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Notice

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Truth is no matter how hard I try , I feel as if no one would notice me. I could dress up and look all nice and proper but there would always be another girl in the room that makes no effort and is just naturally stunning, inside and out. And she has no issues she has no past trauma shes probably not shy about giving blow jobs or hand jobs for that matter and she probably takes everything in her stride.

Obviously if I said that out loud people would think that I was being sh-rude.

Every thing is drama everyone is always up in everyone’s face in this city, it doesn’t matter if you are a Charity worker, or work in a vets you have to be the best and the only. Your vets would be the best one in town no one else, everyone is competitive, liars and fake. Even the hairdressers are fake, do you really think that she cares about your life stories? She forgot your newborns name in 5 seconds.

Worst of all people judge in this town, what you do , where you go , who you talk to. Its depressing, its stressful and its lonely. Being noticed is hard getting published is near enough impossible. I am desperate now, I have so many stories and ideas in my head it makes me proud to be an almost well known famous author….OK im not but maybe one day.

He said out of town shows pay off more people respect you more and want to see you they also want to pay for you to do an act. Why I dont think that he is that known I dont know, or maybe it doesn’t bother me, at least I know it is still safe here writing to you and I can keep telling you about all the secrets and the gossip.

I wont be noticed ever, I wont be noticed for my love of confessional writing or diary style writing, my secret love for drama and movies and made up stories. I will only ever be notices for mistakes, no one remembers my name and no one cares.

Nothing else really mattered

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I did the part I put on a show and I didn’t really feel like it made too much of a difference. I spent 3 months building up to it, I missed important deadlines, I missed opportunities with people and it just felt as though it didn’t pay off.

the darkest day went, and we managed to somehow get over it, but there is something about an angry face that really does stay engraved into my memory, it hurts me it haunts me and it makes me feel like I have done something terrible, when I really dont think I have.

I hide from peoples anger because I have been abused I know what people can get like I know the furthest they could go if they wanted to. I have never been around a guy who can control his anger or his emotions, and turns out even though he should know so much better that he really doesnt. It was ok in the end he apologised and I didnt really know what else to say.

People arent always holding up so well they show that they are but a lot of the time they are cracking up, I have noticed the longer you live on your own the harder it can be you are always functioning and talking and thinking. When there is no one else there to talk to then it just feels like you are isolated and alone. There is nothing worse some days going to bed and laying alone with no one to share it with. I like sharing things I like being around people most the time.

Does this pandemic further make us more apart as humans, will technology drive us further and further away?

I have always wanted someone in my life that can be strong influence on me, someone who can get me and I wouldn’t need to or have to explain why. A guide not a judge someone who cares enough to make sure that you get home safe not shout at you because you wanted to go home.

For people in the end I think it always boils down to safety, if you’re insecure anyway it is even harder to allow yourself to feel safe when you are letting your guard down. I have my guard up all the time and it is the worst, but I have been hurt so many times now, I can not risk another trauma.

I love this man and it pains me that there are so many things so many things I cant do just now and wont do just now im not prepared to.

I dont even know what im saying anymore, I am so tired, so fed up. I have my couselling session tomorrow so lets see how that goes.

For now, thanks for coming back and reading, do you really think that everyone has their purpose in life?

I do.

ch 4 (draft story ) come to a place

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So, I have come to a place where I feel in the middle, I am nor happy or sad today however having been able to purge my thoughts out to you in the last few days I feel like I am starting to feel a little warmer.

In fact the whole idea of dating or being with someone again really does put me off. I do think about how all the men in my life have treated me up till now and if men are even really worth the effort.

I wont die without sex for a few years I will managed without having someone to love as I will always have the children to love, it would be nice to meet someone one day that will love and respect me all the same. But seriously I dont think that time will come for a long time, and I am sick of meeting sad desperate people who are really just after sex its horrible feeling. Especially when these people have not got their own shit together and cant be bothered to look after themselves. I am also talking body image, these men cant be bothered to brush their hair or clean their teeth or change their clothes yet they want me to jump all over them and give in.

No one makes the effort anymore people just think that you should do what ever they want if they give you a little something or make a little effort. Next time I dont want that I want effort at all times not just when they feel like it because they might get some sex, or they have managed to get me drunk enough so that I dont give a damn. I have become a boring stubborn woman. But I have to be, I have children now and no man is good enough unless they are able to care for themselves and have a fucking back bone, I cant deal with more people who have mummy issues and are unable to wipe their own arses in their late 20s.

I am pretty sure I will be absolutely OK, it does feel a shame when I see all young women my age in their 20s with gorgeous boyfriends that treat them and take them away and get nice selfies together and family portraits. Its even more annoying that they are starting to buy houses and new cars, I cant even drive yet!

But I am nearly through a law degree which a lot of people I know dont have so I really need to stop looking the other way and focus more on myself. Its the hardest thing to do in life focus on your own goals whilst everyone else seems to be so far in front and put together in their lives. Also some people are only just having their first born, I have done that so long ago now.

So where I am right now is a muddle. I have a slightly older man whos double my age talking to me, he also runs a group I joined a year ago. I also have baby daddy hanging around because he collects our daughter weekly. It has become too much of a muddle that I feel I can no longer involve myself with this older man, he has started to ask for more like he says he wants sex and he wants me to kiss him, I am not ready for a physical relationship and I have things I need to do for myself before I do enter into one.

He does not appreciate this thought and a fair few times he has now lashed out at me, he gets angry about Facebook statuses I write. Look I am a writer I like expressing my feelings on social media, who doesn’t?

He also had ago at me this week and said that I am too obsessed with my exs, I have had 2 relationships in one year that is a lot to deal with especially one that had lasted almost 5 years.

So I come over here on to my secret blog that no one has a clue about and I feel free I can write about what I like and not feel scared about someones reaction, not feel like I am doing something wrong, I am able to be myself and tell you about the things I have been through and learn with you about the way in which relationships start last and end.

You are a voiceless audience you dont have any ill judgement of me you dont know where I live or who I am. You are kind and listeners and that is all I have ever wanted in my life people who listen and care and reach out to one another not have ago or tell me what I should and should not being doing.

I want this to be true and honest writing and feelings and thoughts about things and people that I probably yeah wouldnt always say to the people but I damn well think it, as does anyone we all have people in our lives we cant stand but still love them to death.

And that is the issue this man I have been talking to I mean I know I have feelings for him and I would like to think if he needed to talk he would, I would stay and remain his friend, but the thing is he told me he never wants to be just friends and he will always want more, I mean I have only known him a year and he is very forward he seems to know what he wants. But I suppose I have to be more tough and care more about what I want and right now I do not want a relationship no matter how alone I feel. Because waiting and working and being who I am and working my self out first is what matters.

Not only this we are still in the middle of a public health crisis, there is no greater time then to take care of yourself and your family more, men can wait, relationships can wait right now I need this time for me to heal the mental scars and stress I have gone through over the last 9 years.

Ch 3 10 months (draft story)

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I didn’t get chance to tell you much about the memory huh, I will get into that I swear. Since after all I am really enjoying this even though no ones reads my ramblings it feels very good to be able to get it out there. Vanish into the internet with the millions of things that people have written and never looked back on.

Its been 10 months now since we broke up and I have learnt a lot. I assume that is what you are supposed to do when you break up with someone you learn a lot.

He has played it very well he was able to say goodbye from day one and turn his head and ignore me. He has not messages called turned up. Nothing. I see his posts and comments all over my friends timeline so I know he is had has been purposely ignoring me. This is what makes it hard for me to remain and maintain a friendship with her because I see all his goofy comments on her things. He must know I see that. But it doesn’t matter to him and that really hurts me. I didn’t think he would be another one of them guys who says they love you and then avoids you and acts as if you meant nothing to them.

Regardless of what happend the fact that I also had children really hurt me that he didn’t even want to acknowledge this anymore. The way in which he behaved was heartless and cold. The way in which my friend behaved was also heartless and cold. These people where more interested in getting drunk then seeing a friend through a horrible breakup. I dont blame her I just wish she was there for me.

10 months has gone by and I think after this summer I will know a little more about how I feel about it all. I dont know if I will ever see or hear from him again and I need to find peace with that and be OK with it. I have been here before and I know that things will fall into place eventually.

Its sad that we had such a strong connection and that it slowly just faded or vanished away over night. Although looking back he was very keen.

Ill tell you this.

It had been a couple of weeks and he stood in my garden having a cig and then he came to me and looked at me and he said ‘I didn’t want to say it yet but I am going to because I have been thinking it for a long time really but wasn’t sure how to say it, I love you’

I mean it was nice but it had also been 2 weeks. So I was worried and I shouldn’t have been really I should have enjoyed someone telling me they loved me. This still makes me sad because it feels like a happy memory I should be able to keep.

Then when moving into the 3rd 4th week he was a little bit more forward. He was saying about how I could get things for the house, and saying that he was happy to help take me to the skip he was going to help buy some things to help me out. Which I had never had and I thought that this was really sweet. But then he started to talk about finding a bigger house that maybe it would be better and I had only just moved into this house I hadn’t been here that long not even a month at this stage. He was keen and it was sweet and nice I liked it I just thought it was all a little soon we hadn’t even had sex at this point we hadn’t even had dates.

Maybe he was just really in love with me and I was too blind about how I should have reacted. I should have maybe told him it was soon but I was interested in doing that in the future.

Now there is no future. I think that is also one of the hardest things knowing that that future you spoke about is no longer alive anymore,there is no future with that person to carry forward along with them precious memories at the start of a relationship that you try to cherish and preserve so you can one day talk about them with one another.

its tough.

So one of the main memories that I didn’t get chance to tell you about in the last chapter was about us sitting on the floor in my living room a few days before he walked away. This is going to be the hardest part of the story to tell you because still till this day I dont understand someones willingness and then their total ignorance.

I also later found that my ex purposely sabotaged the relationship I was forming with this guy. He told me in February this year that he purposely harassed me and messaged me because he knew that it would make the new person annoyed and put off by me. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again the more I got away and the more that I kept on learning.

So we was sat on my living room floor and I was writing in my university planner about the courses that I was going to do. He looked and went through them with me too. He noticed some days I had off and he was laughing saying we could use them days and it was really nice that we was planning things to do with one another and seeing a future.

He said that he wouldn’t be like any of my exes be all funny or horrible if I had uni work to do. He wouldn’t distract me. He said that he was perfectly able to occupy himself whilst I was busy studying. He also said he would be happy to read with me and do some work with me which was nice. This is the last happy memory that I have of him and the memory that keeps pulling me to pieces every few months. How can someone be or seem so kind and say all these things and not follow through why say that to me then a week later leave me. I had all these new pressures on me and I needed the support for once I thought that after all this time it was finally coming that I had met my soul mate that wanted to be an equal support me and watch me succeed.

He wanted to talk in the week that we stopped speaking and I didn’t want him to come over to tell me that he didn’t want to see me anymore I could not take the pain and I have made this mess myself if I had let him over maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad as I thought. But then I didn’t think anything would be nice about seeing someone your are in love with tell you they dont want to be with you anymore.

We had a heavy weekend full of alcohol and come the Sunday he was really hungover and grumpy. Very grumpy. This upset me.

He then went home with barely any word, on the Sunday and I was struggling with the kids because I was hungover too this made me upset because I thought I would not be struggling alone anymore. I thought he would brave it through and stay with me on the Sunday, but he was really not himself. I think he wanted to break up with me on the Saturday but that didn’t go to plan because we started talking and got drunk and had sex.

He was complaining about paying for us to eat out and I didn’t really care I would have gone anywhere I just did not want to cook.

He didn’t talk to me for the whole of the Sunday when he went home around 3 pm, this further upset me. Then come the Monday I knew that he wasn’t at work because he doesn’t work Mondays he didn’t talk to me he didn’t message or say anything this sent alarm bells off in my head and I panicked and frighted myself. I unfriended him to see if he would notice and since then he has never accepted me as a friend again, but he did notice that and he did message after that asking why I unfriended him.

Then that was that and he said he couldn’t be with me anymore because he felt he was more autistic than he realised and not over the death of his family members. The more I read and write this phrase down the more I realise how fucking stupid it sounded.

So after ten months I think I have been able to come to the conclusion that, he didnt want to take on another family he didnt want to put effort in with new children, he was unable to be empathetic towards me needs completely and he would say what I needed and wanted to hear and not follow his word. He was able to continue being in the bubble he was in so easily because that was his life and he was comfortable with that. I had just had a new house move and left and abusive partner he wasn’t able to give me the emotional support that I needed in that moment and because I needed emotional support I wasn’t able to be a push over and let him drain me for his own needs. He needed someone to just do and be there available when he was available I needed someone open and able to be there when I was in emotional distress and also just someone to talk to.

He would spend days at work and I wouldn’t hear a thing and then I would later learn that he manged to have a whole convo with his ex about the step children, this made me feel jealous because he would ignore me for long amounts of time when I didn’t see this necessary he could still have messaged me.

He also spoke about his ex a great deal and this made me think that maybe he wasn’t quite over her even though she had already met someone else, he was clearly torn by the fact that he was no longer with her and this is probably why he called me his exes name.

Even though I felt humiliated by a lot of that relationship I also learnt how much people bullshit to get what they want or are able to use you and an emotional drain. After him telling me stories about his family and the death of his family I felt that I then began to grieve for people I hadn’t even met. He was able to get it off his chest and then peruse the next day I was weighed down with his grief and sadness. Which then made me weak and vulnerable to his behaviour and being able to accept that he was never available for me.

I’m sure that not everything was intentional, but it did amaze me that he managed to tell me so much so soon and then leave all the same.

I was able to identify the emotional distress he had gone through as a young adult, he wouldn’t only just bring his family up he would also start talking about one of the first girls that he dated and he would say it as if I reminded him of her. He said that they would have remained together if they hadn’t had moved different places. He was very keen on this ex and had many fond memories of her.

On the evening of the drinking he told me that his mum had committed suicide when he was 19. She had a number of things that had changed in her life and she could no longer cope, I dont think that he knew that was going to happen I mean he was 19. But I could sense the blame that he felt not being able to save his mother. He said that she was found with pills and alcohol and that it had been an overdose. In the same week or shortly his dad then died from heart attack at the age of 40. This made him paranoid about ageing he wasn’t happy about turning 40 that summer. He never said what caused the heart attack to his dad I guess it could have been alcohol.

5 or so years ago he then told me that his brother tragically died. He said that he went somewhere abroad and people thought that he was perfectly fine. Then he was found in his flat dead he drunk himself to death.

So he told me all these tragedies all these events and then he cut me off. I had no one to talk to about anything and it made me very worried about him as I had generated this emotional connection with him that it made me worry about his well being and the history of his family that there could and was probably mental health running in his family it made me worry that he would end up doing the same fate if he didn’t care for himself and I already knew that he was having issues with his back which he got me to massage. He was a man baby and I know he wanted me to care about him.

But on a serious note I felt that it was a lot to tell someone and then just cut them off, all very personal things he said he hadn’t spoke about or thought about for a long time. I felt honoured that he was able to share things with me. But also broken inside for a man who lost so many family members at such a young age. Was I right to feel this way?

Ch 2 .. the memory …(draft story)

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So the issue that I had after last year was not only did he string me along for a ride he used so beautiful language that kept me sweet. I mean I should have seen it all coming but I didn’t. I ask myself these questions a lot, and mainly because I havent spoke to anyone about these things, so they have remained frozen in my mind and memory.

When my talk to my counsellor even she gets fed up with me bringing it up, and that really is telling me something but I wish she could help, give me more clarity what was it? why was it and why do I keep on to the memory?

Everyone hates me bringing it up and most recently the guy I have been talking to he absolutely can not stand me talking about any of my history. Which is a deal breaker for me really because I feel that it is important to be able to talk to someone and be able to share your past and also share your important memories or things you may not have been able to understand in the moment. Not being able to talk to him about the past is making me stuck, and I am unable to move forward at the moment. When I do I will be sure to let you know what it was that helped me get to the other end.

So the main memory that I have was a week before he walked away. We was sat on my living room floor and he was talking to me about my degree that I was resuming… he knew that I was starting back he knew when he met me in July that that was always the plan. It was nearly September and we had been together almost 2 and a half months I suppose not long at all but we spent almost every other day together and he was sleeping over at my house nearly all through the summer holidays.

In fact I probably met him around this time last year, gosh I dont even know what story to tell you now how we first met or the memory that stays in my head.

hummm,

Lets start with when we first met.

I had been busy packing to move to my new home, after staying in a really tiny two bed house with 3 children after leaving my ex ( the one who is the dad to the children). I had to make a plan to leave because the benefits we was getting when we was in a realtionship wasnt enough, it was making us be in debt, and also he was being abusive to me so it was safer and better for me to leave and stay in a small house until I could find a way to move again.

So, I was moving home over the weekend and my friend invited me out to have a drink with her and her new found boyfriend who she had met off the internet, weirdly enough. So we was a bit worried going to some guys house we didn’t know but he was the best friend of her boyfriend so we assumed it would be perfectly fine and she knew that he was single and she knew that I was coming out of a shit relationship. I managed to get the ex to watch the kids so that I could get out, I didn’t tell him what I was doing because I knew he would have prevented me otherwise, thinking back I wish I was able to get another babysitter then I could have stayed out longer with them. Anyway.

So I didn’t really dress up or anything and it turned out fine. The flat was located in the back of town near the industrial estate not far from where I live, it was small and there wasn’t any decorations or anything like that. He didn’t have the internet or an TV channels or glasses just mugs. He had moved into his flat after leaving a very long relationship so he explained further into the night.

We all greeted one another and he looked right at me,it was a strange look to start with almost a why are you here sort of look but also I am glad you came sort of look also.

We all went upstairs and the first thing he said was sorry ladies I dont have any glasses mugs will have to do, I do hope that is OK. Me and my friend just laughed and said yeah we dont mind at all. He poured me a JD and coke, and then the next thing my friend and her boyfriend where on the sofa talking and then we was talking and we spoke a lot.

He was being a step parent so he was very aware and seemed to sound like he knew what to do with kids. He was also a writer so he said and he loved to read books, he was half way through one at the time. He also had a degree in criminology something that I was doing. It seemed very strange that he knew all these things but he didnt work in areas you would think.

He was working in a games figure shop in the middle of town and he was a true game figure hoarder he had a whole room just full of the stuff. I wasn’t too sure what to think of that someone 16 years older than me and quite obsessed with gaming. I mean sure its great as a hobby and I admired that.

So shortly after our first drinks everyone went outside for a cigarette. He looked at me funny because he knew that I was very short and I always get comments about how short I am.

About an hour later we all headed down to the nightclub but I was getting phone calls to go home because my ex had work early in the morning, I didn’t like him but I wouldn’t be horrible to him, and I thought it would be best to go home and not vanish into the night club. Even though I so badly wanted to stay and talk to this curious fella, on the way down to the club he handed my his hoody. He then pulled a tenner out of his pocket and got me into the cab to go home safely.

I had only known him for a few hours and his kindness and gestures where so kind I was thrown by this kindness.

Later that night my friend messaged me to say that he didn’t feel up to staying with her and her boyfriend because he didn’t see the need to go into a nightclub to pull or anything. As he had met a lady that night that he was happy to see again. From the very start I was thrown away by romantic words and phrases before I even got to know the guy well.

From that night he added me on Facebook and we didn’t stop talking then on. It hurts me now to know that things started this way and now I can tell you that I haven’t even heard from him since the end of September. The things I came to learn told that this was a very deep and complex man and I am a very deep and complex woman, and although we both had life stories to tell I couldn’t help but notice that slowly he didn’t really listen to mine or acknowledge . The clash of problems and feelings we had from our pasts didn’t help and probably where the tip of the end of our relationship. As well as other events that he was not prepared to stand by me, this was really difficult because I do look back now thinking if I had done something different maybe it wouldn’t have been so terrible. Please tell me this is a normal reaction.

How can something so nice end so horribly? how can someone so kind become so mean and distant. I have no answers no apologies no nothing.

The last conversations consisted of ‘you are too nice, and the death of my parents and my brother have effected me more than I thought and I think I am a little more autistic then I thought I was, therefore I cannot be in a relationship with you’.

I was OK for a short while and then I just couldn’t stop I couldn’t get over him , I messaged him and he didn’t reply. I messaged my friend and she was mean and rude to me. I was banned from a house party because I was no longer his girlfriend, my whole world was ripped apart and torn to shreds. I was getting help with the kids and getting them to school and then I was waking up with no support or help at all. I had this huge caring hand lifting me and the kids up and then it was snatched away from me in the night. Not only did I lose him I lost friends associated with him, as well as the girl I had initially met him with. I was grieving for friends and a relationship that was unequal in so many ways but also lifting me up out of the dark place I had been in for the year prior.

So all I could do was write and write and write and write. So I wrote poems and I read them out, I got myself on the radio and I appeared on the television. I hoped the further I got the quicker I would heal. But every few months I would just relapse again and remember the memories.

I was a mess.

I am a mess.

I am a working progress.

Even despite all my efforts I still never heard a thing. Not even a reply to any of the messages, the first lot where bad more like how could you leave you said you loved me (so original right) and the doctors thought I had a miscarriage… no lie. I had this awful awful period after he left, it wasn’t a miscarriage though and I do regret sending that and yeah I feel awful, I think because he knew I was struggling I didn’t know what else to say I wanted to get him to talk to me and I was selfish I suppose I even sent sorry after sending messages.

Then the next few where are you OK. Again I regret them he never asked if I was OK.

Then finally the final messages were about moving forward, I tried to address the fact that it was not just the relationship I lost out of my life, it was also my friend and I wanted to tell him that, I just wanted to move forward but as ever he never read the messages and I didn’t get a respond. I managed to keep him blocked on my Facebook and now I am in a situation where I desperately just need to get over things and accept that I will never know or have reasons to all the things that happend. Which is sad but I need to find a way to live with it.

Talking to you really helps I am so glad that you listen to me, I thought that I would never be able to talk about this with anyone.

Chapter 1 … Jelly

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And thats when I wanted to kill myself, yeah. That was the end that was all I could think about and the only thing that took over my life, constant anxiety , why this why that how come. Or as he would call it, self pitying feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe, maybe not.

Look im a 25 year old woman and only recently in the last year I have noticed since I stopped breast feeding that I sweat more than normal, my pubic hair grows back within hours and I now have more UTIS than my Nana. Its depressing my tits sag I live in Primark leggings and now I have gone back to remaining inside the house and not for anxiety reasons, well not solely. I mean its been since March since the lock down began and now we are slowly lifting restrictions, I dont see how wearing a face mask is a normal life but I guess this will be our normal life. And now I am having this thought, that I should just end it right he right now.

Quite frankly I am sick of the world I am sick of my community, I am sick of politics sick of worrying about everything and anything all day all night and now even in my dreams.

Why?

I suppose it all started last year when I fell in love with a man who I have spoken about far too many times now but I just love telling the story. All the little glimmers of hope in that relationship reminded me that not all men are evil and complete tossers. But at the same time I think I realised how much of a pretentious bitch I can be and that really was a shame because I blame myself. A lot.

I did the worst thing possible and that was not writing about things, and mainly because I may have met another man this year and he really doesn’t like reading or seeing what I write. So I have this secret account you are now reading from (feel honoured) and well the guy who is baby daddy he, well he abused me so I have had to get an injunction on him during this lock down business which actually ladies was much more easier as I didn’t have to see him in court or deal with him in court as it was all done through the phone, thanks to Covid.

So last year I fell in love with a man who was almost 16 years older than me, and I really liked it. I liked it more that he was more intellect we could talk about so many things that many young men aren’t interested in. Or maybe I was just talking to the wrong young men.

But thanks to my fucking anxiety and hairy chin hairs that appeared every 3 weeks, I turned into a massive piece of jelly that was unable to process and deal with emotions in the moment. Ultimately lead to the end of the relationship after I surprised visited him on his way to work and then read a poem about him on an open mic stage. To be fair to the guy he did call me his exs name in bed. I did have some right to feel the way I felt.

Turns out he didn’t find it as amusing and he didn’t like that I was upset by him calling me Laura.

Yeah, that stung. A lot. I went straight into the shower put music on my phone and I cried, whilst he was still in the house and they kids needed to get ready for school. What the hell was wrong with me? why couldnt I just act like a fucking adult about things. I forgot in the moment that we are all human and we can forget things and do things by accident.

I think it just fucking confused me the whole relationship.

He was 40 and he wore Star Wars pjs in bed? I mean who does that? The whole novelty of dating a guy is being able to wake up in the middle of the night and feel a poke at the back of your bum from his hunky penis? or the slightest warmest touch from his skin on your skin. That is how you bond ? right?

Fucking hell, I had never met a 40 year old that moaned as much as he did about his age. Even more so I have so many painful regrets like not putting love you in his birthday card despite only dating him for a few weeks and not being able to just talk. Like I say I just became jelly, have you ever had that? where you meet someone and they just make you feel and behave like jelly?

….

It’s been a week but feels like a month

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Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.

It honestly feels like a month.

I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.

As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.

I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.

He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.

He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.

He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.

He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.

So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.

He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.

I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.

It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.

He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.

*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.

I’ve been abused.

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Sometimes im still in denial.

I cant believe that someone who said they loved me would eventually hurt me physically or mentally.

Not once aswel but over and over and over and over and over and over.

The mind is a confusing loophole how I manage to go back or forgive someone is beyond me because I know the majority of people I have met have told me they would never forgive…

You’ve poked me prodded me in the face you’ve hit my belonging shouted stomped slammed doors youve cornered me from the children youve sworn at me called me names, you’ve trashed my home the walls, you’ve called me names blamed me for your hurt. You’ve followed me stalked me harassed me. You’ve shouted at me when I was crying you’ve laughed at me when was crying you’ve left me in agony in the bed on my own, you’ve ignored my medical problems and you left me to enter a hospital alone in an ambulance 4 days after giving birth. Left me abandoned alone suicidal. Controlled me.

I think I’ve been abused.

But sometimes I blame myself.

its not like i intend to be weird

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my mum always used to say when i was growing up that i fall for people way to easily and im afraid to admit that she was right. mums are always right, mostly.

the thing is it breaks my heart that because im young and im a mum that that is an unattractive thing to be. just tonight whilst being with someone i recently met, a male friend, he said that his mum doesnt need to worry because i have 3 children.

so basically that means that im not good enough quality, im used, ive had kids, ive been with men, im not a good person because of these factors.

i hate it

i carry it around with me all the time this feeling that i am not enough because i have kids and the media uses it against me and my family remind me of my failings and my friends dont see how sad i am and alone sometimes.

the thing is this new friend its a strange one, i am not in a situation to fall and i don’t want to fall. this lad yeah he is the same age as me pretty successful but he has about as much confidence as the sole on my shoe.

i need someone who is strong and able to be there for me mentally, or no one at all. it is easier to repair your own mistakes then it is two peoples. i feel like he probably flirts with all women, he tells me that he is rejected often and i have had my fair share of rejection. i am not in a good place so this would not be a good time for anyone new right now.

oh but he makes me smile he makes me laugh again and i wish that i could put these feelings aside and control them, something my councilor said was that you cannot control your feelings, so i keep telling myself its ok to like him a little bit, but realistically nothing would work. but then i find myself thinking but he is this he is that.

like he acts like he cares he acts like he knows me we have only been talking a few weeks, i am wary that when you meet someone it always feels great at the start, and it kills me that there will be a downside to this feeling. the what ifs are powerful and the maybes are interesting. I cant help it if i am a bit weird …

why didn’t you kill yourself ?

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this is another question i asked myself so many times, the first time when the first man would curl up his fist and smack it into the wall right above my head. so hard that the canvas on the wall fell off, i remember telling the domestic abuse charity this event a year later when i was trying to escape. and writing it down for the first time ever 8 years later makes me see how scary that must have been for a 17 year old who had just given birth…

i sometimes refer to myself as another person and another character and this isnt on purpose this is because i cant act like its me because if i do i cant move on.

they didn’t help me get out of danger they put me back into the danger. and this is why i cant really have a word press or a safe space to blog because the people that know me and the media attention that i am currently getting, see its just that it would not be a good time for me to share this with them, and i trust you i can talk to you. A little bit like my counsellor you wont judge me ,you wont look down on me ,you wont get mad at me ,you wont block me, you wont hurt me.

you think that there is freedom of speech that there is safe places to go to talk, there just isn’t anymore, even the buses have recording devices on their buses. your phone has a gps flashes up when you’ve been inside a cafe just to leave a review. no where is safe no where. and when you have children you always have to be aware of what you say or they will send people to you. there is a lot of fear here, mum’s fear things and they don’t speak up about it. no one wants a social worker being nosey. they cant give you money or give you food they can only protect the children, really that’s the hard thing they have to go by the rules of the system. my mum always says that back when i was a child, social workers could take mum’s out the house could do more to help people, even call the benefits people up on their behalf. they aren’t even allowed to do that anymore, the gov takes help and those who used to defend people are taken away.