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The last supper

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It was this time last year and I had been introduced to you, and this point we also had a meal at that friends house that introduced us. I didn’t think this time this year I would be returning alone, and as her boyfriend came in a greeted her from work, it made me think we could have had a similar fate. My jealous stomach was retching every time I saw them kiss.

They had no care that I was the guest and as I sat there listening to their mini discussions and smooching. Insensitive to how I must have felt, and the elephant in the room that being your name not mentioned.

I keep thinking if I hold back long enough maybe one day you may message me, but I think that after almost 9 months that wont happen, I keep hoping that any spark of my memory will make you want to talk to me again, but then I also believe that maybe you never loved me and that it was just fun for you. I still cant forget your genuine reasoning’s for saying that you loved me. And that time we laid in bed and you came over to me and kissed me and moved my hair and looked at my ears and said I cant believe that your ears are perfect to. You would look at me like you was in love so I could never understand the treatment you gave me after you left. Which led to the confusion that I now have.

July 2019

I managed to get a baby sitter for us to go to my friends house, she was asking me what food you liked as you said you didn’t like sweet things, we sat around the table you was sat opposite me and you kept looking up to me.

It was nice, we was all drinking and relaxing having the occasional cig in the yard. Then we went into the living room and you and your friend who was dating my friend and is still with her put music on the TV. Obviously with the 16 year age gap I didn’t know all the songs.

It got late and I was tired, it had been a long week with the kids again. You promised you would walk me home, and I didn’t want you to walk home all alone by yourself. I cant remember if you got a taxi or not and I cant remember the walk home. You seemed nice enough to me though we hadn’t kissed at this point I dont think.

and that was the last supper I suppose that I can remember.

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His kiss was smooth

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On this occasion we had been talking a long time, a very long time. I have so many memories of this person before we ever started to talk, and that is what makes it almost the perfect love story, something I have always wanted to progress my writing into, I have always wanted to write the most raw and intelligent and amazing love story, since my love of Romeo and Juliet at secondary school. It gives me shivers just thinking about it, its one of the best stories I have ever read.

The dramatic sacrifices and the dramatic arguments the disapproval and the tragic ending.

Something people could maybe get at the time in which it was written.

Now I have had many relationships many you will read and hear about and they maybe all in a mumble but I hope to return to this blog one day and use the material I have written and make it into a book. A story not just some shit that I’ve shoved into a pamphlet.

This is my dedicated space where I am free and I can talk to you in confidence I am at no risk of harm or exposure the fan base I have I can leave behind in the other writings I have done. Here I can be free and I can talk and say what I need to say.

So he had the softest kiss, and I wasn’t ready to kiss but I kind of was too. I get this amazing loving feeling when we hug as well which is just so nice, although at the moment we dont tend to hug. He is very much set in some of his ways but surprisingly he is happy to accept change of mind a lot which a lot of people don’t.

I have so many things to write about and share I am excited.

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Notice

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Truth is no matter how hard I try , I feel as if no one would notice me. I could dress up and look all nice and proper but there would always be another girl in the room that makes no effort and is just naturally stunning, inside and out. And she has no issues she has no past trauma shes probably not shy about giving blow jobs or hand jobs for that matter and she probably takes everything in her stride.

Obviously if I said that out loud people would think that I was being sh-rude.

Every thing is drama everyone is always up in everyone’s face in this city, it doesn’t matter if you are a Charity worker, or work in a vets you have to be the best and the only. Your vets would be the best one in town no one else, everyone is competitive, liars and fake. Even the hairdressers are fake, do you really think that she cares about your life stories? She forgot your newborns name in 5 seconds.

Worst of all people judge in this town, what you do , where you go , who you talk to. Its depressing, its stressful and its lonely. Being noticed is hard getting published is near enough impossible. I am desperate now, I have so many stories and ideas in my head it makes me proud to be an almost well known famous author….OK im not but maybe one day.

He said out of town shows pay off more people respect you more and want to see you they also want to pay for you to do an act. Why I dont think that he is that known I dont know, or maybe it doesn’t bother me, at least I know it is still safe here writing to you and I can keep telling you about all the secrets and the gossip.

I wont be noticed ever, I wont be noticed for my love of confessional writing or diary style writing, my secret love for drama and movies and made up stories. I will only ever be notices for mistakes, no one remembers my name and no one cares.

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Nothing else really mattered

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I did the part I put on a show and I didn’t really feel like it made too much of a difference. I spent 3 months building up to it, I missed important deadlines, I missed opportunities with people and it just felt as though it didn’t pay off.

the darkest day went, and we managed to somehow get over it, but there is something about an angry face that really does stay engraved into my memory, it hurts me it haunts me and it makes me feel like I have done something terrible, when I really dont think I have.

I hide from peoples anger because I have been abused I know what people can get like I know the furthest they could go if they wanted to. I have never been around a guy who can control his anger or his emotions, and turns out even though he should know so much better that he really doesnt. It was ok in the end he apologised and I didnt really know what else to say.

People arent always holding up so well they show that they are but a lot of the time they are cracking up, I have noticed the longer you live on your own the harder it can be you are always functioning and talking and thinking. When there is no one else there to talk to then it just feels like you are isolated and alone. There is nothing worse some days going to bed and laying alone with no one to share it with. I like sharing things I like being around people most the time.

Does this pandemic further make us more apart as humans, will technology drive us further and further away?

I have always wanted someone in my life that can be strong influence on me, someone who can get me and I wouldn’t need to or have to explain why. A guide not a judge someone who cares enough to make sure that you get home safe not shout at you because you wanted to go home.

For people in the end I think it always boils down to safety, if you’re insecure anyway it is even harder to allow yourself to feel safe when you are letting your guard down. I have my guard up all the time and it is the worst, but I have been hurt so many times now, I can not risk another trauma.

I love this man and it pains me that there are so many things so many things I cant do just now and wont do just now im not prepared to.

I dont even know what im saying anymore, I am so tired, so fed up. I have my couselling session tomorrow so lets see how that goes.

For now, thanks for coming back and reading, do you really think that everyone has their purpose in life?

I do.

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Darkest day

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This probably has to be one of the darkest days, I have never been out on a night out and been told how cold I am. I’m not one to withhold affection and I really did / do care about him. He knows im not ready for anything physical. He was over the drinking limit and I said to him to just walk home which he said he would do. I think he was hoping to stay at mine but I am not ready to share a bed.

I really feel torn, I followed him home at 1am because I was worried with his drink driving home. I fell asleep on his sofa and left at 5am because I couldnt sleep and this made him really angry.

Why do things like this keep happening?

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Chapter 1 … Jelly

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And thats when I wanted to kill myself, yeah. That was the end that was all I could think about and the only thing that took over my life, constant anxiety , why this why that how come. Or as he would call it, self pitying feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe, maybe not.

Look im a 25 year old woman and only recently in the last year I have noticed since I stopped breast feeding that I sweat more than normal, my pubic hair grows back within hours and I now have more UTIS than my Nana. Its depressing my tits sag I live in Primark leggings and now I have gone back to remaining inside the house and not for anxiety reasons, well not solely. I mean its been since March since the lock down began and now we are slowly lifting restrictions, I dont see how wearing a face mask is a normal life but I guess this will be our normal life. And now I am having this thought, that I should just end it right he right now.

Quite frankly I am sick of the world I am sick of my community, I am sick of politics sick of worrying about everything and anything all day all night and now even in my dreams.

Why?

I suppose it all started last year when I fell in love with a man who I have spoken about far too many times now but I just love telling the story. All the little glimmers of hope in that relationship reminded me that not all men are evil and complete tossers. But at the same time I think I realised how much of a pretentious bitch I can be and that really was a shame because I blame myself. A lot.

I did the worst thing possible and that was not writing about things, and mainly because I may have met another man this year and he really doesn’t like reading or seeing what I write. So I have this secret account you are now reading from (feel honoured) and well the guy who is baby daddy he, well he abused me so I have had to get an injunction on him during this lock down business which actually ladies was much more easier as I didn’t have to see him in court or deal with him in court as it was all done through the phone, thanks to Covid.

So last year I fell in love with a man who was almost 16 years older than me, and I really liked it. I liked it more that he was more intellect we could talk about so many things that many young men aren’t interested in. Or maybe I was just talking to the wrong young men.

But thanks to my fucking anxiety and hairy chin hairs that appeared every 3 weeks, I turned into a massive piece of jelly that was unable to process and deal with emotions in the moment. Ultimately lead to the end of the relationship after I surprised visited him on his way to work and then read a poem about him on an open mic stage. To be fair to the guy he did call me his exs name in bed. I did have some right to feel the way I felt.

Turns out he didn’t find it as amusing and he didn’t like that I was upset by him calling me Laura.

Yeah, that stung. A lot. I went straight into the shower put music on my phone and I cried, whilst he was still in the house and they kids needed to get ready for school. What the hell was wrong with me? why couldnt I just act like a fucking adult about things. I forgot in the moment that we are all human and we can forget things and do things by accident.

I think it just fucking confused me the whole relationship.

He was 40 and he wore Star Wars pjs in bed? I mean who does that? The whole novelty of dating a guy is being able to wake up in the middle of the night and feel a poke at the back of your bum from his hunky penis? or the slightest warmest touch from his skin on your skin. That is how you bond ? right?

Fucking hell, I had never met a 40 year old that moaned as much as he did about his age. Even more so I have so many painful regrets like not putting love you in his birthday card despite only dating him for a few weeks and not being able to just talk. Like I say I just became jelly, have you ever had that? where you meet someone and they just make you feel and behave like jelly?

….

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Stuck

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So I was always taught to follow and trust my heart. But then I end up in situations where my heart has done me no favors.

and I wish I could run with my heart now but I see no realistic situation.

I keep saying I will get this degree, I will get away, I will be with the kids, I will be strong. But then I feel like I’ve fallen 100 steps behind

And noone knows the truth because I cant tell them the ones i told before just vanished and left me behind. So called friends! think it’s simple to just walk away!

And i did … at one point

I fell in love I met someone who treated me like gold for awhile. He was there for me emotionally. Physically maybe not so much so. And he eventually spent less and less time with me. But he understood me we understood each other. We could have had a future and that sometimes throws me off that we was so close to picturing this future together that it felt so right then he took all that away. And left.

And it tumbled from there days and weeks and months I was shouted at about him. I felt punished not only by the man that left but the man who came between and continued to control me I suppose. He was an emotional wreck couldn’t believe I met someone else couldn’t believe that I would do such a thing.

So I asked if he wanted to try again because I needed his support I was broken more broken than before. I thought if he missed me cared so much he would be different.

But then he was shouting all the time bringing him up. I couldn’t get away so again I wrote a blog.

Because I didnt want that memory to become distorted. Filled with his hate and anger.

So im stuck because I have no option right now he helps with school run he helps with paying the fee for the nursery if I walk if I suggest a break again he will take all that away from me. Even the counsellor said I must do what I need to to survive and this doesnt seem that significant.

I mean its not much of a sacrifice. Just I feel alone, I feel isolated, I feel belittled, and theres someones arms at the other side of the road almost wide open. But it cant be him because he has a host of complex issues. But he is offering. I dont want a partner or a man to get me out of this I have to do my time get my degree and leave this city.

This is so hard.

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He’s

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He’s kind of attractive we like similar things yet he has a limited diet fussy dont like much food. Could be because hes autistic but that doesn’t bother me. Although he is 24 and still a virgin that doesnt bother me too. But it bothers me that he thinks I might be the one and I am not the one to take his virginity!

Wow I couldn’t that would be so terrible. I think in the long run we will be friends. We both write we both enjoy events and going out places . It’s nice to finally meet someone who enjoys my things too. Like he reads my stuff he has an interest and I’ve never really ever had that.

But I dont like that other he hates anyone I hang around with so I’m trying to keep him away I wouldnt want him getting hurt. Verbally more so. I’ve become a little bit protective over our friendship. I think he knows I like being with him and he hates that anyone else could make me happy.

It’s like with new guy last year . He did everything to break me and him up and he did I believe he was one of the drives to get him to leave me. That reminds me it’s been almost 5 months now since I have heard from new guy. I can most honestly say he is far off the radar now.

Still I cant believe I end up in these situations. I really missed new guy I cared for him he told me so many things and then he said he was telling me things he didnt tell others. But I feel like it was just his way with words. Despite the significant age gap of 16 years, we seemed to get on well like a duck in a pond.

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It’s been a week but feels like a month

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Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.

It honestly feels like a month.

I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.

As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.

I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.

He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.

He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.

He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.

He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.

So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.

He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.

I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.

It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.

He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.

*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.

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Good understanding

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I’ve always had a good understanding for understanding people. Except I’ve been told that I dont react in situations when I should react at least that what’s he tells me, he also tells me that his grandad is dying of cancer and I should see the urgency in that but I feel like there is nothing I can do and it is out of my control.

He thinks that means I dont care but I do. So it now feels like all his anger and emotion is penting up again and I could end up being his new emotional support cushion. Which isnt the best when I feel like I am still trying to deal with a great deal of things at the moment and he isnt really caring and he says he cant care because of his grandad and I feel like he could do both?

But I dont want to take him away from the situation just I feel like I am always on eggshells. If you feel like you cant be there for someone is that a bad thing?

There never seems to be any calm around here.

I’m annoyed because I had to re write this blog twice because my device decided to reload the screen and delete everything.

And im annoyed that I feel jammed and stuck in a nasty situation like I always am.

My plan has always been to hurry up and pass my degree and then piss off out away from this place. She told me it’s ok and it’s natural to feel this way but she never guided me the direction gave me the correct tools or information or instructions. It’s just something mentally for me that I am not very good at doing right now.

As soon as I was discharged from the mental health service I felt lost and I have been experiencing these bizzare flash backs all in random orders from random ages random events random meanings. And I dont understand what that means and my doctor said they shouldnt have just discharged me.

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Few weeks…

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It’s been a few weeks now since you signed me off your service and I still feel like I have a long way to go.

I told you I wasnt ready to leave I was in a panic. A state, bottling it up. My fears from being a child coming back and back and back.

I cant communicate because I have these things I can’t explain to anyone. Or i explain them and people appear uninterested.

so it’s been a few weeks and in a few more weeks I will be back with a new therapist.

I am not proud.

I’ve been told that 7 months is enough, that I should be ok now. Not to appear at counselling through my local authority unless I have a different reason to need to appear.

I’ve been given no tools. Just told that I’m not over this new guy thing and healing from it. But I never got to any of the parts about my dad, about my mum, about my teenage years.

I’m rejected. Spat out of the mental health system as an unfinished painting. I’m not ready not prepared not able to present myself for the art that I am.

I hope that’s the case.

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i thought about you today

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i thought about you today, which is annoying.I thought that maybe it had been long enough time to start forgetting you. Seems I cant ever really get you off my mind. Maybe its because I hadn’t ever had anyone be so kind to me, please don’t look at me whilst i blush. Or maybe its because people I know are ignoring me on purpose and its starting to get to me.

I may come across as a really paranoid person but I really aren’t see if you got to know me and stuck around then you would see. things have changed around here and i wish i could show you. but i guess i wouldn’t have all this creativity if it wasn’t for you leaving me.

You remind me a little bit of my dad, a coward.

I made a huge mistake this weekend you must have blocked me on facebook because when i first had a look at whether I could message you or not. It said I wasnt allowed to reply to your message.

I made a huge error, I started this year on a note that I would not contact you, got really fucking drunk and then he brought you up and I remembered you all over again. I was so drunk I am so sorry. I sent a message saying have you blocked me? and also I have some cigs if you want them, I don’t want them. and then I freaked out and I blocked you. I didn’t think I could send messages so I was a little bit like for fuck sake what have I done and I carried on digging the hole.

The thing is since about October I have been sending the odd message, I have said sorry for writing a poem about you that apparently subsequently made you leave me. I have explained myself. I have been to you given you your shit , in the start of the end.

You read every single one didn’t you and you ignored them, and whilst you ignored them I had the whole wide world telling me that I am crazy that I should get the hint, then I read the other side of the whole wide world saying that if it is something worth fighting for then fight for it.

but there is nothing to fight for when you are talking to yourself. and now i have made the situation 10 times worse. I promise now that I have you (wordpress) to talk to that I will write in here instead then reach out to a fool that doesn’t give a fuck if I am suffering.

its not like I haven’t noticed that it can come across a little bit selfish of me to try to talk to you, i have no idea what might be happening in your life, and i have thought that maybe you will come to me when you are ready to talk but now i am starting to think that it doesn’t matter anymore because the way that i have been after the break up may have made you be even more weary of me.

…

my friend that i don’t really talk to now, wasn’t very kind or thoughtful about this situation see, she said that i shouldn’t say that i miss someone and then say that they hurt me and used me. and i really don’t agree you can love and hate and the same time, i have no idea to think otherwise, when the person i am in conflict with isn’t going to talk to me ever again. when all i can think that is is my fault that they may never ever talk to me. but i have no idea why. its a lot to carry on top of you, especially when you want to move forward and you want to make new friends.

i am stuck, making new friends should be fun but i am scared. he was such a great friend and he was so kind and normal with me and made me think and believe in the world when all of a sudden that false security went, he created a false sense of security from the get go.

he wanted a house with me after 2 weeks, he said that he knew that he loved me just after a week, he said that he wanted me and my family to fit into his car and he was happy to get a bigger car if he needed to, he wanted to take me abroad to see his family, where he grew up. he wanted me to meet his step kids, he wanted my advice he wanted me to cook and clean his clothes, he wanted me at home when he came back from work so he had someone to talk to, he wanted to watch meaningless TV with me then fuck, he was 16 years older and everyone was telling me how safe I was and how I would never be hurt by him, I was all set I was ready to trust.

I knew a huge deal of what he wanted, but when it boiled down when i sat him down after just 3 weeks, i said i want to know your intentions, is this serious ? would you really stick around for this long period of time that you are saying you will? are you sure you want to be with me? I wanted to hear his fight talk, I wanted to see his passion, I wanted to be put on the right track to a successful relationship. All he gave me was that he thought that I was too anxious that I was too worried. But then another 3/4 weeks later he was gone.

So to be insulted and to be essentially be called stupid killed me, when after all my head sorting, he got up and left.

He called me his exs name after a night of almost arguments, he had been staying for a fair few days in a row. He had been going out almost every weekend, and doing the hobbies he liked. We was in a delicate phrase of the relationship, I needed his support, I needed his comfort, and he could not be there for me when I needed him. But I knew that I could forgive him for that, yet I couldn’t that instantly, because he called me his ex’s name, and then I got into the shower and I just cried my eyes out. I knew that something so terrible was on its way. the night before was strange i felt really unwell and not really up to eating and he wasn’t eating very well too… he was starting to complain but my energy had burnt out I just said get some soup or something, and it was awful, he was then prepared to sleep on the sofa but i didn’t want that, I mean he had a flat 5 mins away he could have just gone home.

I never wanted to fall out with this guy, I wanted to be in his life and I equally wanted him in mine, and I didn’t think that a woman in her mid 20’s could feel such intense heart break, almost as painful as the first.

He didn’t abuse me we didn’t have an argument, so I cant understand where I am. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to fight for me, when he said he loved me….

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its not like i intend to be weird

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my mum always used to say when i was growing up that i fall for people way to easily and im afraid to admit that she was right. mums are always right, mostly.

the thing is it breaks my heart that because im young and im a mum that that is an unattractive thing to be. just tonight whilst being with someone i recently met, a male friend, he said that his mum doesnt need to worry because i have 3 children.

so basically that means that im not good enough quality, im used, ive had kids, ive been with men, im not a good person because of these factors.

i hate it

i carry it around with me all the time this feeling that i am not enough because i have kids and the media uses it against me and my family remind me of my failings and my friends dont see how sad i am and alone sometimes.

the thing is this new friend its a strange one, i am not in a situation to fall and i don’t want to fall. this lad yeah he is the same age as me pretty successful but he has about as much confidence as the sole on my shoe.

i need someone who is strong and able to be there for me mentally, or no one at all. it is easier to repair your own mistakes then it is two peoples. i feel like he probably flirts with all women, he tells me that he is rejected often and i have had my fair share of rejection. i am not in a good place so this would not be a good time for anyone new right now.

oh but he makes me smile he makes me laugh again and i wish that i could put these feelings aside and control them, something my councilor said was that you cannot control your feelings, so i keep telling myself its ok to like him a little bit, but realistically nothing would work. but then i find myself thinking but he is this he is that.

like he acts like he cares he acts like he knows me we have only been talking a few weeks, i am wary that when you meet someone it always feels great at the start, and it kills me that there will be a downside to this feeling. the what ifs are powerful and the maybes are interesting. I cant help it if i am a bit weird …

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Sunday

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there sometimes feel like there is a lot of pressure you know, to be everyone’s friend, when sometimes you don’t want to do anything at all, and sometimes peoples attitudes are hurtful but i can never be strong enough to tell that person that they have been wrong or out of order.

no one could help me out of heartbreak and i think that has been one of life’s greatest lessons, no one night stand no alcohol binge night out no tinder account not even a girls night out, something i have been avoiding for awhile because i don’t want to go out and talk about it. It will only become gossip and hearsay.

she thought that a man would make me happy and i knew that a man would not make me happy, a man made me annoyed and fed up and a man made me feel trapped and all the other men before the man where just terrible terrible experiences.

it was a temporary fix to a huge problem that i was going though i was going through a lot and unfortunate the people that i knew where not understanding not caring too busy wanting drama and gossip than to actually be a good friend, and thats ok sometimes that happends.

there have been times in my life where i never thought that i would ever ever have any friends i thought that it was bad karma for things that had happend at school or maybe even when i met a group of people before college, same time i met the guy outside the church. my irrational thinking has sometimes caused problems but it actually has saved my life a few times. i am 25 and it has taken me this long to learn to trust myself.

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where it all started

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it started almost 7 years ago, I fell in love with a lad who was standing outside of a church near a crossing. the wind was hasty cold, the rain was delicate but you could still see it falling on top of his big blue jacket.

and for the best part he was anon, I didnt know his name, I didnt know where he came from I didnt even know if I would see him again. sometimes I wish that happend.

That would have been many peoples experiences at least before the birth of social media, see when I was growing up, you could be tracked down pretty quickly. All you would have to do is put the first name of someone into facebook and you would more than likely be able to track someone down and add them as a friend.

the thing is i had an unusual name so I have always been easy to find.

that he did. and although I am anon for writing purposes I will call this person Zac.

Zac dated a girl that was at my school but I hadnt been at school for a number of years.

That moment where we met changed so much of my life for the next 7 years. Sex, drugs, manipulations, heartache, back stabbing, deaths, mental torture, relationship breakdowns, lying friends, toxic relationships, and a handful of house moves and two more babies. A journey of which I have sometimes wished I hadnt had to take, but I know that that’s just how fate and life works, shit happens.

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dear reader

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thank you for coming to take a look at my blog please follow and subscribe!

about: So, yesterday it was my last appointment with my therapist that I was seeing for 7 month. It was daunting to leave her and daunting to be let go. She knows I have a dire interest to write and I love blogging I love poetry I love sharing my world and my life with you all. But there was one thing holding me back, the people that I grew to love and trust would be reading my items, chewing them up and spitting them out, calling me names, tracking down my address and posting me hate mail, destroying my life because of what I write. Even though it is nothing new, heart ache isnt new, living in abuse isnt new, living with fears anxieties and worries isnt new, its all been said and written before. I thought I was strong enough to not feel anxious and scared to write, but I am.

and this time this is the story I will be sharing with you, the side that no one else knew or heard. The side that I was unable to voice because of fear of arguments, fear of name calling, fear of conflict, and also fear for my voice being completely shut down.

she asked me what do i get from writing, and I said that I am able to be free, I am able to let go of any worries or concerns I am able to be in my own world without anyone to bother me, I am able to create and live and share the emotions that I am unable to share anymore with people that have walked away from me. I am sure that some of you will agree, poetry was there for me when all of my closest friends where not, and it breaks my heart that I have to do write hidden with no name but for now it is the only way that I feel that I can be safe.

yours,

Miss Anon

Writer

X

He was lying

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Turns out my other ex knows how to play games also, the other week I was just laying it out there saying would he ever get married? and would he meet someone? and asking about his work.

I know that when we was together he would flirt with people from work and then lie about it when he got home, he would always have secret girls on his phone and if I caught it or saw it then I would normally ask. (most people have ago at me at this point asking why I would look or how I would see)

Well when you have children I occasionally would ask to use his camera, I was a huge camera fan at the time and he broke one of my phones to the point where the lenses didn’t work anymore. Also being in a committed relationship I assumed there would be nothing to hide.

He would open up snapchat and talk to the girl out of Hull and talk about secretly meeting her, he would say that he liked her when they first started talking and that they had a good bond. All the usual bullshit,

Thing is this guy seemed smart, he would tell me things I would like to hear and this is the issue when I just threw it out there last week, he was a bit weird about it. Granted was probably weird that I asked but I was just curious as he has always been a great liar and he manipulates me in many ways I can never know what is real or what is false, also I wanted to see what his intentions where. After months and months of him saying he wouldn’t ever be or get with anyone else and that he was desperate to be with me if that was all just a game or he was being genuine.

Why did I end it anyway?

He wasn’t ever affectionate with me, he would lie about things, he was controlling, he wouldn’t stay in my house he would say he hated my home, which was a huge one and it meant I would have to stay at his mums as he lives with his mum. I wasn’t happy about this because every time I went he would be playing games until the AM and would have the TV on. This would be one of the things that hurt me the most because it would have been a great time as a couple to settle down and go to sleep. It was hard to maintain a relationship and be at uni and I feel very bad now that I didn’t do more, like when he would take me to uni he would want to kiss and I never kissed him. But at the same time , I just felt it wasn’t ever enough, he wouldn’t get a job, also I was scared that that people would see me in a relationship and make lies up to the government. I had to claim and live alone because he wouldn’t get a job.

I felt bad because I wanted a unit I didn’t want to live separate lives and him be at his mothers, but he was unwilling to help pay for bills or help maintain the home. I also had fallen into a pocket of writing, so I would write and write and leave notebooks around the house about past things and that guy from last year and he would invade my space and read them and over look into it.

Maybe I was the heartless one, maybe I could have done more. But I was too angry at the abuse he gave me when I was pregnant the refusals to help me when I was in pain and then me having to get emergency surgery because he didn’t want to listen to me. After almost dying I thought that all he would want was to be close to me, to make sure that I am ok, make sure I didn’t get hurt again, care about me, be a partner, I expected to come home after surgery and be held and looked after especially after only just given birth 4 weeks prior.

Thats the worst, going home after horrific week in hospital and basically becoming a housebound child minder whilst he played video games I laid in agony breastfeeding a baby on the bed.

He couldnt look at me he wouldnt lay with me he treated me like I wasnt in the house, he didnt even make the effort to talk to me and make sure that I was ok. He wouldnt get the food shopping even though they told him I was not to lift heavy shopping after having surgery for 6 weeks, he was told to claim benefits and care for me for at least 2 months, and his family would blame me and say that I was doing it on purpose, when the fact was I nearly died.

He didn’t stick up for me, he didn’t talk to me, and he refused to spend time with me, so I wandered away and I met someone else and he left me so I thought I would give us a second try. But that didn’t work too, he became possessive and aggressive, I tried to love him but I couldn’t knowing that all that time ago he didn’t love me at my weakest.

I also think that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been there for him ran him baths made him food cleaned the house, got him back into the world and helped him socialise. He let me rot and let me get worse and deteriorate as his family would call up the phone and bully me.

I had to have a nurse come and see me weekly to make sure that I was ok because all he would do was play video games, and I am talking about a mid 20s man not a teenager.

So why do I feel bad now?

Few weeks ago he was going on about how I was his first love that he will always love me, and I went back to 5 years ago and I remember how he was when I first met him he was kind and quite and shy. Then he became this monster, and I can never know what he is if he is real or fake or a liar. And this is why I have come to the thought that he is a liar and he was lying a few weeks ago because if it was true , I wouldn’t be feeling so sad and unhappy, people who love each other dont try to make you feel sad or unhappy.

Im sure.

Even now that we are not together he manages to control my weeks with childcare, he doesn’t stay consistent and his mum is in control of taking and having the children who is able to go and who isnt. I am sure he spends most his week on games and flirting with women on the internet. I cant wait till the days I no longer give a shit.

ch 4 (draft story ) come to a place

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So, I have come to a place where I feel in the middle, I am nor happy or sad today however having been able to purge my thoughts out to you in the last few days I feel like I am starting to feel a little warmer.

In fact the whole idea of dating or being with someone again really does put me off. I do think about how all the men in my life have treated me up till now and if men are even really worth the effort.

I wont die without sex for a few years I will managed without having someone to love as I will always have the children to love, it would be nice to meet someone one day that will love and respect me all the same. But seriously I dont think that time will come for a long time, and I am sick of meeting sad desperate people who are really just after sex its horrible feeling. Especially when these people have not got their own shit together and cant be bothered to look after themselves. I am also talking body image, these men cant be bothered to brush their hair or clean their teeth or change their clothes yet they want me to jump all over them and give in.

No one makes the effort anymore people just think that you should do what ever they want if they give you a little something or make a little effort. Next time I dont want that I want effort at all times not just when they feel like it because they might get some sex, or they have managed to get me drunk enough so that I dont give a damn. I have become a boring stubborn woman. But I have to be, I have children now and no man is good enough unless they are able to care for themselves and have a fucking back bone, I cant deal with more people who have mummy issues and are unable to wipe their own arses in their late 20s.

I am pretty sure I will be absolutely OK, it does feel a shame when I see all young women my age in their 20s with gorgeous boyfriends that treat them and take them away and get nice selfies together and family portraits. Its even more annoying that they are starting to buy houses and new cars, I cant even drive yet!

But I am nearly through a law degree which a lot of people I know dont have so I really need to stop looking the other way and focus more on myself. Its the hardest thing to do in life focus on your own goals whilst everyone else seems to be so far in front and put together in their lives. Also some people are only just having their first born, I have done that so long ago now.

So where I am right now is a muddle. I have a slightly older man whos double my age talking to me, he also runs a group I joined a year ago. I also have baby daddy hanging around because he collects our daughter weekly. It has become too much of a muddle that I feel I can no longer involve myself with this older man, he has started to ask for more like he says he wants sex and he wants me to kiss him, I am not ready for a physical relationship and I have things I need to do for myself before I do enter into one.

He does not appreciate this thought and a fair few times he has now lashed out at me, he gets angry about Facebook statuses I write. Look I am a writer I like expressing my feelings on social media, who doesn’t?

He also had ago at me this week and said that I am too obsessed with my exs, I have had 2 relationships in one year that is a lot to deal with especially one that had lasted almost 5 years.

So I come over here on to my secret blog that no one has a clue about and I feel free I can write about what I like and not feel scared about someones reaction, not feel like I am doing something wrong, I am able to be myself and tell you about the things I have been through and learn with you about the way in which relationships start last and end.

You are a voiceless audience you dont have any ill judgement of me you dont know where I live or who I am. You are kind and listeners and that is all I have ever wanted in my life people who listen and care and reach out to one another not have ago or tell me what I should and should not being doing.

I want this to be true and honest writing and feelings and thoughts about things and people that I probably yeah wouldnt always say to the people but I damn well think it, as does anyone we all have people in our lives we cant stand but still love them to death.

And that is the issue this man I have been talking to I mean I know I have feelings for him and I would like to think if he needed to talk he would, I would stay and remain his friend, but the thing is he told me he never wants to be just friends and he will always want more, I mean I have only known him a year and he is very forward he seems to know what he wants. But I suppose I have to be more tough and care more about what I want and right now I do not want a relationship no matter how alone I feel. Because waiting and working and being who I am and working my self out first is what matters.

Not only this we are still in the middle of a public health crisis, there is no greater time then to take care of yourself and your family more, men can wait, relationships can wait right now I need this time for me to heal the mental scars and stress I have gone through over the last 9 years.

Ch 3 10 months (draft story)

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I didn’t get chance to tell you much about the memory huh, I will get into that I swear. Since after all I am really enjoying this even though no ones reads my ramblings it feels very good to be able to get it out there. Vanish into the internet with the millions of things that people have written and never looked back on.

Its been 10 months now since we broke up and I have learnt a lot. I assume that is what you are supposed to do when you break up with someone you learn a lot.

He has played it very well he was able to say goodbye from day one and turn his head and ignore me. He has not messages called turned up. Nothing. I see his posts and comments all over my friends timeline so I know he is had has been purposely ignoring me. This is what makes it hard for me to remain and maintain a friendship with her because I see all his goofy comments on her things. He must know I see that. But it doesn’t matter to him and that really hurts me. I didn’t think he would be another one of them guys who says they love you and then avoids you and acts as if you meant nothing to them.

Regardless of what happend the fact that I also had children really hurt me that he didn’t even want to acknowledge this anymore. The way in which he behaved was heartless and cold. The way in which my friend behaved was also heartless and cold. These people where more interested in getting drunk then seeing a friend through a horrible breakup. I dont blame her I just wish she was there for me.

10 months has gone by and I think after this summer I will know a little more about how I feel about it all. I dont know if I will ever see or hear from him again and I need to find peace with that and be OK with it. I have been here before and I know that things will fall into place eventually.

Its sad that we had such a strong connection and that it slowly just faded or vanished away over night. Although looking back he was very keen.

Ill tell you this.

It had been a couple of weeks and he stood in my garden having a cig and then he came to me and looked at me and he said ‘I didn’t want to say it yet but I am going to because I have been thinking it for a long time really but wasn’t sure how to say it, I love you’

I mean it was nice but it had also been 2 weeks. So I was worried and I shouldn’t have been really I should have enjoyed someone telling me they loved me. This still makes me sad because it feels like a happy memory I should be able to keep.

Then when moving into the 3rd 4th week he was a little bit more forward. He was saying about how I could get things for the house, and saying that he was happy to help take me to the skip he was going to help buy some things to help me out. Which I had never had and I thought that this was really sweet. But then he started to talk about finding a bigger house that maybe it would be better and I had only just moved into this house I hadn’t been here that long not even a month at this stage. He was keen and it was sweet and nice I liked it I just thought it was all a little soon we hadn’t even had sex at this point we hadn’t even had dates.

Maybe he was just really in love with me and I was too blind about how I should have reacted. I should have maybe told him it was soon but I was interested in doing that in the future.

Now there is no future. I think that is also one of the hardest things knowing that that future you spoke about is no longer alive anymore,there is no future with that person to carry forward along with them precious memories at the start of a relationship that you try to cherish and preserve so you can one day talk about them with one another.

its tough.

So one of the main memories that I didn’t get chance to tell you about in the last chapter was about us sitting on the floor in my living room a few days before he walked away. This is going to be the hardest part of the story to tell you because still till this day I dont understand someones willingness and then their total ignorance.

I also later found that my ex purposely sabotaged the relationship I was forming with this guy. He told me in February this year that he purposely harassed me and messaged me because he knew that it would make the new person annoyed and put off by me. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again the more I got away and the more that I kept on learning.

So we was sat on my living room floor and I was writing in my university planner about the courses that I was going to do. He looked and went through them with me too. He noticed some days I had off and he was laughing saying we could use them days and it was really nice that we was planning things to do with one another and seeing a future.

He said that he wouldn’t be like any of my exes be all funny or horrible if I had uni work to do. He wouldn’t distract me. He said that he was perfectly able to occupy himself whilst I was busy studying. He also said he would be happy to read with me and do some work with me which was nice. This is the last happy memory that I have of him and the memory that keeps pulling me to pieces every few months. How can someone be or seem so kind and say all these things and not follow through why say that to me then a week later leave me. I had all these new pressures on me and I needed the support for once I thought that after all this time it was finally coming that I had met my soul mate that wanted to be an equal support me and watch me succeed.

He wanted to talk in the week that we stopped speaking and I didn’t want him to come over to tell me that he didn’t want to see me anymore I could not take the pain and I have made this mess myself if I had let him over maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad as I thought. But then I didn’t think anything would be nice about seeing someone your are in love with tell you they dont want to be with you anymore.

We had a heavy weekend full of alcohol and come the Sunday he was really hungover and grumpy. Very grumpy. This upset me.

He then went home with barely any word, on the Sunday and I was struggling with the kids because I was hungover too this made me upset because I thought I would not be struggling alone anymore. I thought he would brave it through and stay with me on the Sunday, but he was really not himself. I think he wanted to break up with me on the Saturday but that didn’t go to plan because we started talking and got drunk and had sex.

He was complaining about paying for us to eat out and I didn’t really care I would have gone anywhere I just did not want to cook.

He didn’t talk to me for the whole of the Sunday when he went home around 3 pm, this further upset me. Then come the Monday I knew that he wasn’t at work because he doesn’t work Mondays he didn’t talk to me he didn’t message or say anything this sent alarm bells off in my head and I panicked and frighted myself. I unfriended him to see if he would notice and since then he has never accepted me as a friend again, but he did notice that and he did message after that asking why I unfriended him.

Then that was that and he said he couldn’t be with me anymore because he felt he was more autistic than he realised and not over the death of his family members. The more I read and write this phrase down the more I realise how fucking stupid it sounded.

So after ten months I think I have been able to come to the conclusion that, he didnt want to take on another family he didnt want to put effort in with new children, he was unable to be empathetic towards me needs completely and he would say what I needed and wanted to hear and not follow his word. He was able to continue being in the bubble he was in so easily because that was his life and he was comfortable with that. I had just had a new house move and left and abusive partner he wasn’t able to give me the emotional support that I needed in that moment and because I needed emotional support I wasn’t able to be a push over and let him drain me for his own needs. He needed someone to just do and be there available when he was available I needed someone open and able to be there when I was in emotional distress and also just someone to talk to.

He would spend days at work and I wouldn’t hear a thing and then I would later learn that he manged to have a whole convo with his ex about the step children, this made me feel jealous because he would ignore me for long amounts of time when I didn’t see this necessary he could still have messaged me.

He also spoke about his ex a great deal and this made me think that maybe he wasn’t quite over her even though she had already met someone else, he was clearly torn by the fact that he was no longer with her and this is probably why he called me his exes name.

Even though I felt humiliated by a lot of that relationship I also learnt how much people bullshit to get what they want or are able to use you and an emotional drain. After him telling me stories about his family and the death of his family I felt that I then began to grieve for people I hadn’t even met. He was able to get it off his chest and then peruse the next day I was weighed down with his grief and sadness. Which then made me weak and vulnerable to his behaviour and being able to accept that he was never available for me.

I’m sure that not everything was intentional, but it did amaze me that he managed to tell me so much so soon and then leave all the same.

I was able to identify the emotional distress he had gone through as a young adult, he wouldn’t only just bring his family up he would also start talking about one of the first girls that he dated and he would say it as if I reminded him of her. He said that they would have remained together if they hadn’t had moved different places. He was very keen on this ex and had many fond memories of her.

On the evening of the drinking he told me that his mum had committed suicide when he was 19. She had a number of things that had changed in her life and she could no longer cope, I dont think that he knew that was going to happen I mean he was 19. But I could sense the blame that he felt not being able to save his mother. He said that she was found with pills and alcohol and that it had been an overdose. In the same week or shortly his dad then died from heart attack at the age of 40. This made him paranoid about ageing he wasn’t happy about turning 40 that summer. He never said what caused the heart attack to his dad I guess it could have been alcohol.

5 or so years ago he then told me that his brother tragically died. He said that he went somewhere abroad and people thought that he was perfectly fine. Then he was found in his flat dead he drunk himself to death.

So he told me all these tragedies all these events and then he cut me off. I had no one to talk to about anything and it made me very worried about him as I had generated this emotional connection with him that it made me worry about his well being and the history of his family that there could and was probably mental health running in his family it made me worry that he would end up doing the same fate if he didn’t care for himself and I already knew that he was having issues with his back which he got me to massage. He was a man baby and I know he wanted me to care about him.

But on a serious note I felt that it was a lot to tell someone and then just cut them off, all very personal things he said he hadn’t spoke about or thought about for a long time. I felt honoured that he was able to share things with me. But also broken inside for a man who lost so many family members at such a young age. Was I right to feel this way?

Ch 2 .. the memory …(draft story)

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So the issue that I had after last year was not only did he string me along for a ride he used so beautiful language that kept me sweet. I mean I should have seen it all coming but I didn’t. I ask myself these questions a lot, and mainly because I havent spoke to anyone about these things, so they have remained frozen in my mind and memory.

When my talk to my counsellor even she gets fed up with me bringing it up, and that really is telling me something but I wish she could help, give me more clarity what was it? why was it and why do I keep on to the memory?

Everyone hates me bringing it up and most recently the guy I have been talking to he absolutely can not stand me talking about any of my history. Which is a deal breaker for me really because I feel that it is important to be able to talk to someone and be able to share your past and also share your important memories or things you may not have been able to understand in the moment. Not being able to talk to him about the past is making me stuck, and I am unable to move forward at the moment. When I do I will be sure to let you know what it was that helped me get to the other end.

So the main memory that I have was a week before he walked away. We was sat on my living room floor and he was talking to me about my degree that I was resuming… he knew that I was starting back he knew when he met me in July that that was always the plan. It was nearly September and we had been together almost 2 and a half months I suppose not long at all but we spent almost every other day together and he was sleeping over at my house nearly all through the summer holidays.

In fact I probably met him around this time last year, gosh I dont even know what story to tell you now how we first met or the memory that stays in my head.

hummm,

Lets start with when we first met.

I had been busy packing to move to my new home, after staying in a really tiny two bed house with 3 children after leaving my ex ( the one who is the dad to the children). I had to make a plan to leave because the benefits we was getting when we was in a realtionship wasnt enough, it was making us be in debt, and also he was being abusive to me so it was safer and better for me to leave and stay in a small house until I could find a way to move again.

So, I was moving home over the weekend and my friend invited me out to have a drink with her and her new found boyfriend who she had met off the internet, weirdly enough. So we was a bit worried going to some guys house we didn’t know but he was the best friend of her boyfriend so we assumed it would be perfectly fine and she knew that he was single and she knew that I was coming out of a shit relationship. I managed to get the ex to watch the kids so that I could get out, I didn’t tell him what I was doing because I knew he would have prevented me otherwise, thinking back I wish I was able to get another babysitter then I could have stayed out longer with them. Anyway.

So I didn’t really dress up or anything and it turned out fine. The flat was located in the back of town near the industrial estate not far from where I live, it was small and there wasn’t any decorations or anything like that. He didn’t have the internet or an TV channels or glasses just mugs. He had moved into his flat after leaving a very long relationship so he explained further into the night.

We all greeted one another and he looked right at me,it was a strange look to start with almost a why are you here sort of look but also I am glad you came sort of look also.

We all went upstairs and the first thing he said was sorry ladies I dont have any glasses mugs will have to do, I do hope that is OK. Me and my friend just laughed and said yeah we dont mind at all. He poured me a JD and coke, and then the next thing my friend and her boyfriend where on the sofa talking and then we was talking and we spoke a lot.

He was being a step parent so he was very aware and seemed to sound like he knew what to do with kids. He was also a writer so he said and he loved to read books, he was half way through one at the time. He also had a degree in criminology something that I was doing. It seemed very strange that he knew all these things but he didnt work in areas you would think.

He was working in a games figure shop in the middle of town and he was a true game figure hoarder he had a whole room just full of the stuff. I wasn’t too sure what to think of that someone 16 years older than me and quite obsessed with gaming. I mean sure its great as a hobby and I admired that.

So shortly after our first drinks everyone went outside for a cigarette. He looked at me funny because he knew that I was very short and I always get comments about how short I am.

About an hour later we all headed down to the nightclub but I was getting phone calls to go home because my ex had work early in the morning, I didn’t like him but I wouldn’t be horrible to him, and I thought it would be best to go home and not vanish into the night club. Even though I so badly wanted to stay and talk to this curious fella, on the way down to the club he handed my his hoody. He then pulled a tenner out of his pocket and got me into the cab to go home safely.

I had only known him for a few hours and his kindness and gestures where so kind I was thrown by this kindness.

Later that night my friend messaged me to say that he didn’t feel up to staying with her and her boyfriend because he didn’t see the need to go into a nightclub to pull or anything. As he had met a lady that night that he was happy to see again. From the very start I was thrown away by romantic words and phrases before I even got to know the guy well.

From that night he added me on Facebook and we didn’t stop talking then on. It hurts me now to know that things started this way and now I can tell you that I haven’t even heard from him since the end of September. The things I came to learn told that this was a very deep and complex man and I am a very deep and complex woman, and although we both had life stories to tell I couldn’t help but notice that slowly he didn’t really listen to mine or acknowledge . The clash of problems and feelings we had from our pasts didn’t help and probably where the tip of the end of our relationship. As well as other events that he was not prepared to stand by me, this was really difficult because I do look back now thinking if I had done something different maybe it wouldn’t have been so terrible. Please tell me this is a normal reaction.

How can something so nice end so horribly? how can someone so kind become so mean and distant. I have no answers no apologies no nothing.

The last conversations consisted of ‘you are too nice, and the death of my parents and my brother have effected me more than I thought and I think I am a little more autistic then I thought I was, therefore I cannot be in a relationship with you’.

I was OK for a short while and then I just couldn’t stop I couldn’t get over him , I messaged him and he didn’t reply. I messaged my friend and she was mean and rude to me. I was banned from a house party because I was no longer his girlfriend, my whole world was ripped apart and torn to shreds. I was getting help with the kids and getting them to school and then I was waking up with no support or help at all. I had this huge caring hand lifting me and the kids up and then it was snatched away from me in the night. Not only did I lose him I lost friends associated with him, as well as the girl I had initially met him with. I was grieving for friends and a relationship that was unequal in so many ways but also lifting me up out of the dark place I had been in for the year prior.

So all I could do was write and write and write and write. So I wrote poems and I read them out, I got myself on the radio and I appeared on the television. I hoped the further I got the quicker I would heal. But every few months I would just relapse again and remember the memories.

I was a mess.

I am a mess.

I am a working progress.

Even despite all my efforts I still never heard a thing. Not even a reply to any of the messages, the first lot where bad more like how could you leave you said you loved me (so original right) and the doctors thought I had a miscarriage… no lie. I had this awful awful period after he left, it wasn’t a miscarriage though and I do regret sending that and yeah I feel awful, I think because he knew I was struggling I didn’t know what else to say I wanted to get him to talk to me and I was selfish I suppose I even sent sorry after sending messages.

Then the next few where are you OK. Again I regret them he never asked if I was OK.

Then finally the final messages were about moving forward, I tried to address the fact that it was not just the relationship I lost out of my life, it was also my friend and I wanted to tell him that, I just wanted to move forward but as ever he never read the messages and I didn’t get a respond. I managed to keep him blocked on my Facebook and now I am in a situation where I desperately just need to get over things and accept that I will never know or have reasons to all the things that happend. Which is sad but I need to find a way to live with it.

Talking to you really helps I am so glad that you listen to me, I thought that I would never be able to talk about this with anyone.