I did the part I put on a show and I didn’t really feel like it made too much of a difference. I spent 3 months building up to it, I missed important deadlines, I missed opportunities with people and it just felt as though it didn’t pay off.

the darkest day went, and we managed to somehow get over it, but there is something about an angry face that really does stay engraved into my memory, it hurts me it haunts me and it makes me feel like I have done something terrible, when I really dont think I have.

I hide from peoples anger because I have been abused I know what people can get like I know the furthest they could go if they wanted to. I have never been around a guy who can control his anger or his emotions, and turns out even though he should know so much better that he really doesnt. It was ok in the end he apologised and I didnt really know what else to say.

People arent always holding up so well they show that they are but a lot of the time they are cracking up, I have noticed the longer you live on your own the harder it can be you are always functioning and talking and thinking. When there is no one else there to talk to then it just feels like you are isolated and alone. There is nothing worse some days going to bed and laying alone with no one to share it with. I like sharing things I like being around people most the time.

Does this pandemic further make us more apart as humans, will technology drive us further and further away?

I have always wanted someone in my life that can be strong influence on me, someone who can get me and I wouldn’t need to or have to explain why. A guide not a judge someone who cares enough to make sure that you get home safe not shout at you because you wanted to go home.

For people in the end I think it always boils down to safety, if you’re insecure anyway it is even harder to allow yourself to feel safe when you are letting your guard down. I have my guard up all the time and it is the worst, but I have been hurt so many times now, I can not risk another trauma.

I love this man and it pains me that there are so many things so many things I cant do just now and wont do just now im not prepared to.

I dont even know what im saying anymore, I am so tired, so fed up. I have my couselling session tomorrow so lets see how that goes.

For now, thanks for coming back and reading, do you really think that everyone has their purpose in life?

I do.