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It’s been a week but feels like a month

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Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.

It honestly feels like a month.

I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.

As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.

I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.

He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.

He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.

He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.

He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.

So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.

He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.

I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.

It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.

He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.

*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.

why didn’t you kill yourself ?

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this is another question i asked myself so many times, the first time when the first man would curl up his fist and smack it into the wall right above my head. so hard that the canvas on the wall fell off, i remember telling the domestic abuse charity this event a year later when i was trying to escape. and writing it down for the first time ever 8 years later makes me see how scary that must have been for a 17 year old who had just given birth…

i sometimes refer to myself as another person and another character and this isnt on purpose this is because i cant act like its me because if i do i cant move on.

they didn’t help me get out of danger they put me back into the danger. and this is why i cant really have a word press or a safe space to blog because the people that know me and the media attention that i am currently getting, see its just that it would not be a good time for me to share this with them, and i trust you i can talk to you. A little bit like my counsellor you wont judge me ,you wont look down on me ,you wont get mad at me ,you wont block me, you wont hurt me.

you think that there is freedom of speech that there is safe places to go to talk, there just isn’t anymore, even the buses have recording devices on their buses. your phone has a gps flashes up when you’ve been inside a cafe just to leave a review. no where is safe no where. and when you have children you always have to be aware of what you say or they will send people to you. there is a lot of fear here, mum’s fear things and they don’t speak up about it. no one wants a social worker being nosey. they cant give you money or give you food they can only protect the children, really that’s the hard thing they have to go by the rules of the system. my mum always says that back when i was a child, social workers could take mum’s out the house could do more to help people, even call the benefits people up on their behalf. they aren’t even allowed to do that anymore, the gov takes help and those who used to defend people are taken away.