So the issue that I had after last year was not only did he string me along for a ride he used so beautiful language that kept me sweet. I mean I should have seen it all coming but I didn’t. I ask myself these questions a lot, and mainly because I havent spoke to anyone about these things, so they have remained frozen in my mind and memory.

When my talk to my counsellor even she gets fed up with me bringing it up, and that really is telling me something but I wish she could help, give me more clarity what was it? why was it and why do I keep on to the memory?

Everyone hates me bringing it up and most recently the guy I have been talking to he absolutely can not stand me talking about any of my history. Which is a deal breaker for me really because I feel that it is important to be able to talk to someone and be able to share your past and also share your important memories or things you may not have been able to understand in the moment. Not being able to talk to him about the past is making me stuck, and I am unable to move forward at the moment. When I do I will be sure to let you know what it was that helped me get to the other end.

So the main memory that I have was a week before he walked away. We was sat on my living room floor and he was talking to me about my degree that I was resuming… he knew that I was starting back he knew when he met me in July that that was always the plan. It was nearly September and we had been together almost 2 and a half months I suppose not long at all but we spent almost every other day together and he was sleeping over at my house nearly all through the summer holidays.

In fact I probably met him around this time last year, gosh I dont even know what story to tell you now how we first met or the memory that stays in my head.

hummm,

Lets start with when we first met.

I had been busy packing to move to my new home, after staying in a really tiny two bed house with 3 children after leaving my ex ( the one who is the dad to the children). I had to make a plan to leave because the benefits we was getting when we was in a realtionship wasnt enough, it was making us be in debt, and also he was being abusive to me so it was safer and better for me to leave and stay in a small house until I could find a way to move again.

So, I was moving home over the weekend and my friend invited me out to have a drink with her and her new found boyfriend who she had met off the internet, weirdly enough. So we was a bit worried going to some guys house we didn’t know but he was the best friend of her boyfriend so we assumed it would be perfectly fine and she knew that he was single and she knew that I was coming out of a shit relationship. I managed to get the ex to watch the kids so that I could get out, I didn’t tell him what I was doing because I knew he would have prevented me otherwise, thinking back I wish I was able to get another babysitter then I could have stayed out longer with them. Anyway.

So I didn’t really dress up or anything and it turned out fine. The flat was located in the back of town near the industrial estate not far from where I live, it was small and there wasn’t any decorations or anything like that. He didn’t have the internet or an TV channels or glasses just mugs. He had moved into his flat after leaving a very long relationship so he explained further into the night.

We all greeted one another and he looked right at me,it was a strange look to start with almost a why are you here sort of look but also I am glad you came sort of look also.

We all went upstairs and the first thing he said was sorry ladies I dont have any glasses mugs will have to do, I do hope that is OK. Me and my friend just laughed and said yeah we dont mind at all. He poured me a JD and coke, and then the next thing my friend and her boyfriend where on the sofa talking and then we was talking and we spoke a lot.

He was being a step parent so he was very aware and seemed to sound like he knew what to do with kids. He was also a writer so he said and he loved to read books, he was half way through one at the time. He also had a degree in criminology something that I was doing. It seemed very strange that he knew all these things but he didnt work in areas you would think.

He was working in a games figure shop in the middle of town and he was a true game figure hoarder he had a whole room just full of the stuff. I wasn’t too sure what to think of that someone 16 years older than me and quite obsessed with gaming. I mean sure its great as a hobby and I admired that.

So shortly after our first drinks everyone went outside for a cigarette. He looked at me funny because he knew that I was very short and I always get comments about how short I am.

About an hour later we all headed down to the nightclub but I was getting phone calls to go home because my ex had work early in the morning, I didn’t like him but I wouldn’t be horrible to him, and I thought it would be best to go home and not vanish into the night club. Even though I so badly wanted to stay and talk to this curious fella, on the way down to the club he handed my his hoody. He then pulled a tenner out of his pocket and got me into the cab to go home safely.

I had only known him for a few hours and his kindness and gestures where so kind I was thrown by this kindness.

Later that night my friend messaged me to say that he didn’t feel up to staying with her and her boyfriend because he didn’t see the need to go into a nightclub to pull or anything. As he had met a lady that night that he was happy to see again. From the very start I was thrown away by romantic words and phrases before I even got to know the guy well.

From that night he added me on Facebook and we didn’t stop talking then on. It hurts me now to know that things started this way and now I can tell you that I haven’t even heard from him since the end of September. The things I came to learn told that this was a very deep and complex man and I am a very deep and complex woman, and although we both had life stories to tell I couldn’t help but notice that slowly he didn’t really listen to mine or acknowledge . The clash of problems and feelings we had from our pasts didn’t help and probably where the tip of the end of our relationship. As well as other events that he was not prepared to stand by me, this was really difficult because I do look back now thinking if I had done something different maybe it wouldn’t have been so terrible. Please tell me this is a normal reaction.

How can something so nice end so horribly? how can someone so kind become so mean and distant. I have no answers no apologies no nothing.

The last conversations consisted of ‘you are too nice, and the death of my parents and my brother have effected me more than I thought and I think I am a little more autistic then I thought I was, therefore I cannot be in a relationship with you’.

I was OK for a short while and then I just couldn’t stop I couldn’t get over him , I messaged him and he didn’t reply. I messaged my friend and she was mean and rude to me. I was banned from a house party because I was no longer his girlfriend, my whole world was ripped apart and torn to shreds. I was getting help with the kids and getting them to school and then I was waking up with no support or help at all. I had this huge caring hand lifting me and the kids up and then it was snatched away from me in the night. Not only did I lose him I lost friends associated with him, as well as the girl I had initially met him with. I was grieving for friends and a relationship that was unequal in so many ways but also lifting me up out of the dark place I had been in for the year prior.

So all I could do was write and write and write and write. So I wrote poems and I read them out, I got myself on the radio and I appeared on the television. I hoped the further I got the quicker I would heal. But every few months I would just relapse again and remember the memories.

I was a mess.

I am a mess.

I am a working progress.

Even despite all my efforts I still never heard a thing. Not even a reply to any of the messages, the first lot where bad more like how could you leave you said you loved me (so original right) and the doctors thought I had a miscarriage… no lie. I had this awful awful period after he left, it wasn’t a miscarriage though and I do regret sending that and yeah I feel awful, I think because he knew I was struggling I didn’t know what else to say I wanted to get him to talk to me and I was selfish I suppose I even sent sorry after sending messages.

Then the next few where are you OK. Again I regret them he never asked if I was OK.

Then finally the final messages were about moving forward, I tried to address the fact that it was not just the relationship I lost out of my life, it was also my friend and I wanted to tell him that, I just wanted to move forward but as ever he never read the messages and I didn’t get a respond. I managed to keep him blocked on my Facebook and now I am in a situation where I desperately just need to get over things and accept that I will never know or have reasons to all the things that happend. Which is sad but I need to find a way to live with it.

Talking to you really helps I am so glad that you listen to me, I thought that I would never be able to talk about this with anyone.