Tag Archives: breakup

ch 4 (draft story ) come to a place

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So, I have come to a place where I feel in the middle, I am nor happy or sad today however having been able to purge my thoughts out to you in the last few days I feel like I am starting to feel a little warmer.

In fact the whole idea of dating or being with someone again really does put me off. I do think about how all the men in my life have treated me up till now and if men are even really worth the effort.

I wont die without sex for a few years I will managed without having someone to love as I will always have the children to love, it would be nice to meet someone one day that will love and respect me all the same. But seriously I dont think that time will come for a long time, and I am sick of meeting sad desperate people who are really just after sex its horrible feeling. Especially when these people have not got their own shit together and cant be bothered to look after themselves. I am also talking body image, these men cant be bothered to brush their hair or clean their teeth or change their clothes yet they want me to jump all over them and give in.

No one makes the effort anymore people just think that you should do what ever they want if they give you a little something or make a little effort. Next time I dont want that I want effort at all times not just when they feel like it because they might get some sex, or they have managed to get me drunk enough so that I dont give a damn. I have become a boring stubborn woman. But I have to be, I have children now and no man is good enough unless they are able to care for themselves and have a fucking back bone, I cant deal with more people who have mummy issues and are unable to wipe their own arses in their late 20s.

I am pretty sure I will be absolutely OK, it does feel a shame when I see all young women my age in their 20s with gorgeous boyfriends that treat them and take them away and get nice selfies together and family portraits. Its even more annoying that they are starting to buy houses and new cars, I cant even drive yet!

But I am nearly through a law degree which a lot of people I know dont have so I really need to stop looking the other way and focus more on myself. Its the hardest thing to do in life focus on your own goals whilst everyone else seems to be so far in front and put together in their lives. Also some people are only just having their first born, I have done that so long ago now.

So where I am right now is a muddle. I have a slightly older man whos double my age talking to me, he also runs a group I joined a year ago. I also have baby daddy hanging around because he collects our daughter weekly. It has become too much of a muddle that I feel I can no longer involve myself with this older man, he has started to ask for more like he says he wants sex and he wants me to kiss him, I am not ready for a physical relationship and I have things I need to do for myself before I do enter into one.

He does not appreciate this thought and a fair few times he has now lashed out at me, he gets angry about Facebook statuses I write. Look I am a writer I like expressing my feelings on social media, who doesn’t?

He also had ago at me this week and said that I am too obsessed with my exs, I have had 2 relationships in one year that is a lot to deal with especially one that had lasted almost 5 years.

So I come over here on to my secret blog that no one has a clue about and I feel free I can write about what I like and not feel scared about someones reaction, not feel like I am doing something wrong, I am able to be myself and tell you about the things I have been through and learn with you about the way in which relationships start last and end.

You are a voiceless audience you dont have any ill judgement of me you dont know where I live or who I am. You are kind and listeners and that is all I have ever wanted in my life people who listen and care and reach out to one another not have ago or tell me what I should and should not being doing.

I want this to be true and honest writing and feelings and thoughts about things and people that I probably yeah wouldnt always say to the people but I damn well think it, as does anyone we all have people in our lives we cant stand but still love them to death.

And that is the issue this man I have been talking to I mean I know I have feelings for him and I would like to think if he needed to talk he would, I would stay and remain his friend, but the thing is he told me he never wants to be just friends and he will always want more, I mean I have only known him a year and he is very forward he seems to know what he wants. But I suppose I have to be more tough and care more about what I want and right now I do not want a relationship no matter how alone I feel. Because waiting and working and being who I am and working my self out first is what matters.

Not only this we are still in the middle of a public health crisis, there is no greater time then to take care of yourself and your family more, men can wait, relationships can wait right now I need this time for me to heal the mental scars and stress I have gone through over the last 9 years.

Ch 3 10 months (draft story)

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I didn’t get chance to tell you much about the memory huh, I will get into that I swear. Since after all I am really enjoying this even though no ones reads my ramblings it feels very good to be able to get it out there. Vanish into the internet with the millions of things that people have written and never looked back on.

Its been 10 months now since we broke up and I have learnt a lot. I assume that is what you are supposed to do when you break up with someone you learn a lot.

He has played it very well he was able to say goodbye from day one and turn his head and ignore me. He has not messages called turned up. Nothing. I see his posts and comments all over my friends timeline so I know he is had has been purposely ignoring me. This is what makes it hard for me to remain and maintain a friendship with her because I see all his goofy comments on her things. He must know I see that. But it doesn’t matter to him and that really hurts me. I didn’t think he would be another one of them guys who says they love you and then avoids you and acts as if you meant nothing to them.

Regardless of what happend the fact that I also had children really hurt me that he didn’t even want to acknowledge this anymore. The way in which he behaved was heartless and cold. The way in which my friend behaved was also heartless and cold. These people where more interested in getting drunk then seeing a friend through a horrible breakup. I dont blame her I just wish she was there for me.

10 months has gone by and I think after this summer I will know a little more about how I feel about it all. I dont know if I will ever see or hear from him again and I need to find peace with that and be OK with it. I have been here before and I know that things will fall into place eventually.

Its sad that we had such a strong connection and that it slowly just faded or vanished away over night. Although looking back he was very keen.

Ill tell you this.

It had been a couple of weeks and he stood in my garden having a cig and then he came to me and looked at me and he said ‘I didn’t want to say it yet but I am going to because I have been thinking it for a long time really but wasn’t sure how to say it, I love you’

I mean it was nice but it had also been 2 weeks. So I was worried and I shouldn’t have been really I should have enjoyed someone telling me they loved me. This still makes me sad because it feels like a happy memory I should be able to keep.

Then when moving into the 3rd 4th week he was a little bit more forward. He was saying about how I could get things for the house, and saying that he was happy to help take me to the skip he was going to help buy some things to help me out. Which I had never had and I thought that this was really sweet. But then he started to talk about finding a bigger house that maybe it would be better and I had only just moved into this house I hadn’t been here that long not even a month at this stage. He was keen and it was sweet and nice I liked it I just thought it was all a little soon we hadn’t even had sex at this point we hadn’t even had dates.

Maybe he was just really in love with me and I was too blind about how I should have reacted. I should have maybe told him it was soon but I was interested in doing that in the future.

Now there is no future. I think that is also one of the hardest things knowing that that future you spoke about is no longer alive anymore,there is no future with that person to carry forward along with them precious memories at the start of a relationship that you try to cherish and preserve so you can one day talk about them with one another.

its tough.

So one of the main memories that I didn’t get chance to tell you about in the last chapter was about us sitting on the floor in my living room a few days before he walked away. This is going to be the hardest part of the story to tell you because still till this day I dont understand someones willingness and then their total ignorance.

I also later found that my ex purposely sabotaged the relationship I was forming with this guy. He told me in February this year that he purposely harassed me and messaged me because he knew that it would make the new person annoyed and put off by me. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again the more I got away and the more that I kept on learning.

So we was sat on my living room floor and I was writing in my university planner about the courses that I was going to do. He looked and went through them with me too. He noticed some days I had off and he was laughing saying we could use them days and it was really nice that we was planning things to do with one another and seeing a future.

He said that he wouldn’t be like any of my exes be all funny or horrible if I had uni work to do. He wouldn’t distract me. He said that he was perfectly able to occupy himself whilst I was busy studying. He also said he would be happy to read with me and do some work with me which was nice. This is the last happy memory that I have of him and the memory that keeps pulling me to pieces every few months. How can someone be or seem so kind and say all these things and not follow through why say that to me then a week later leave me. I had all these new pressures on me and I needed the support for once I thought that after all this time it was finally coming that I had met my soul mate that wanted to be an equal support me and watch me succeed.

He wanted to talk in the week that we stopped speaking and I didn’t want him to come over to tell me that he didn’t want to see me anymore I could not take the pain and I have made this mess myself if I had let him over maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad as I thought. But then I didn’t think anything would be nice about seeing someone your are in love with tell you they dont want to be with you anymore.

We had a heavy weekend full of alcohol and come the Sunday he was really hungover and grumpy. Very grumpy. This upset me.

He then went home with barely any word, on the Sunday and I was struggling with the kids because I was hungover too this made me upset because I thought I would not be struggling alone anymore. I thought he would brave it through and stay with me on the Sunday, but he was really not himself. I think he wanted to break up with me on the Saturday but that didn’t go to plan because we started talking and got drunk and had sex.

He was complaining about paying for us to eat out and I didn’t really care I would have gone anywhere I just did not want to cook.

He didn’t talk to me for the whole of the Sunday when he went home around 3 pm, this further upset me. Then come the Monday I knew that he wasn’t at work because he doesn’t work Mondays he didn’t talk to me he didn’t message or say anything this sent alarm bells off in my head and I panicked and frighted myself. I unfriended him to see if he would notice and since then he has never accepted me as a friend again, but he did notice that and he did message after that asking why I unfriended him.

Then that was that and he said he couldn’t be with me anymore because he felt he was more autistic than he realised and not over the death of his family members. The more I read and write this phrase down the more I realise how fucking stupid it sounded.

So after ten months I think I have been able to come to the conclusion that, he didnt want to take on another family he didnt want to put effort in with new children, he was unable to be empathetic towards me needs completely and he would say what I needed and wanted to hear and not follow his word. He was able to continue being in the bubble he was in so easily because that was his life and he was comfortable with that. I had just had a new house move and left and abusive partner he wasn’t able to give me the emotional support that I needed in that moment and because I needed emotional support I wasn’t able to be a push over and let him drain me for his own needs. He needed someone to just do and be there available when he was available I needed someone open and able to be there when I was in emotional distress and also just someone to talk to.

He would spend days at work and I wouldn’t hear a thing and then I would later learn that he manged to have a whole convo with his ex about the step children, this made me feel jealous because he would ignore me for long amounts of time when I didn’t see this necessary he could still have messaged me.

He also spoke about his ex a great deal and this made me think that maybe he wasn’t quite over her even though she had already met someone else, he was clearly torn by the fact that he was no longer with her and this is probably why he called me his exes name.

Even though I felt humiliated by a lot of that relationship I also learnt how much people bullshit to get what they want or are able to use you and an emotional drain. After him telling me stories about his family and the death of his family I felt that I then began to grieve for people I hadn’t even met. He was able to get it off his chest and then peruse the next day I was weighed down with his grief and sadness. Which then made me weak and vulnerable to his behaviour and being able to accept that he was never available for me.

I’m sure that not everything was intentional, but it did amaze me that he managed to tell me so much so soon and then leave all the same.

I was able to identify the emotional distress he had gone through as a young adult, he wouldn’t only just bring his family up he would also start talking about one of the first girls that he dated and he would say it as if I reminded him of her. He said that they would have remained together if they hadn’t had moved different places. He was very keen on this ex and had many fond memories of her.

On the evening of the drinking he told me that his mum had committed suicide when he was 19. She had a number of things that had changed in her life and she could no longer cope, I dont think that he knew that was going to happen I mean he was 19. But I could sense the blame that he felt not being able to save his mother. He said that she was found with pills and alcohol and that it had been an overdose. In the same week or shortly his dad then died from heart attack at the age of 40. This made him paranoid about ageing he wasn’t happy about turning 40 that summer. He never said what caused the heart attack to his dad I guess it could have been alcohol.

5 or so years ago he then told me that his brother tragically died. He said that he went somewhere abroad and people thought that he was perfectly fine. Then he was found in his flat dead he drunk himself to death.

So he told me all these tragedies all these events and then he cut me off. I had no one to talk to about anything and it made me very worried about him as I had generated this emotional connection with him that it made me worry about his well being and the history of his family that there could and was probably mental health running in his family it made me worry that he would end up doing the same fate if he didn’t care for himself and I already knew that he was having issues with his back which he got me to massage. He was a man baby and I know he wanted me to care about him.

But on a serious note I felt that it was a lot to tell someone and then just cut them off, all very personal things he said he hadn’t spoke about or thought about for a long time. I felt honoured that he was able to share things with me. But also broken inside for a man who lost so many family members at such a young age. Was I right to feel this way?