Tag Archives: yorkshire

The last supper

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It was this time last year and I had been introduced to you, and this point we also had a meal at that friends house that introduced us. I didn’t think this time this year I would be returning alone, and as her boyfriend came in a greeted her from work, it made me think we could have had a similar fate. My jealous stomach was retching every time I saw them kiss.

They had no care that I was the guest and as I sat there listening to their mini discussions and smooching. Insensitive to how I must have felt, and the elephant in the room that being your name not mentioned.

I keep thinking if I hold back long enough maybe one day you may message me, but I think that after almost 9 months that wont happen, I keep hoping that any spark of my memory will make you want to talk to me again, but then I also believe that maybe you never loved me and that it was just fun for you. I still cant forget your genuine reasoning’s for saying that you loved me. And that time we laid in bed and you came over to me and kissed me and moved my hair and looked at my ears and said I cant believe that your ears are perfect to. You would look at me like you was in love so I could never understand the treatment you gave me after you left. Which led to the confusion that I now have.

July 2019

I managed to get a baby sitter for us to go to my friends house, she was asking me what food you liked as you said you didn’t like sweet things, we sat around the table you was sat opposite me and you kept looking up to me.

It was nice, we was all drinking and relaxing having the occasional cig in the yard. Then we went into the living room and you and your friend who was dating my friend and is still with her put music on the TV. Obviously with the 16 year age gap I didn’t know all the songs.

It got late and I was tired, it had been a long week with the kids again. You promised you would walk me home, and I didn’t want you to walk home all alone by yourself. I cant remember if you got a taxi or not and I cant remember the walk home. You seemed nice enough to me though we hadn’t kissed at this point I dont think.

and that was the last supper I suppose that I can remember.

Nothing else really mattered

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I did the part I put on a show and I didn’t really feel like it made too much of a difference. I spent 3 months building up to it, I missed important deadlines, I missed opportunities with people and it just felt as though it didn’t pay off.

the darkest day went, and we managed to somehow get over it, but there is something about an angry face that really does stay engraved into my memory, it hurts me it haunts me and it makes me feel like I have done something terrible, when I really dont think I have.

I hide from peoples anger because I have been abused I know what people can get like I know the furthest they could go if they wanted to. I have never been around a guy who can control his anger or his emotions, and turns out even though he should know so much better that he really doesnt. It was ok in the end he apologised and I didnt really know what else to say.

People arent always holding up so well they show that they are but a lot of the time they are cracking up, I have noticed the longer you live on your own the harder it can be you are always functioning and talking and thinking. When there is no one else there to talk to then it just feels like you are isolated and alone. There is nothing worse some days going to bed and laying alone with no one to share it with. I like sharing things I like being around people most the time.

Does this pandemic further make us more apart as humans, will technology drive us further and further away?

I have always wanted someone in my life that can be strong influence on me, someone who can get me and I wouldn’t need to or have to explain why. A guide not a judge someone who cares enough to make sure that you get home safe not shout at you because you wanted to go home.

For people in the end I think it always boils down to safety, if you’re insecure anyway it is even harder to allow yourself to feel safe when you are letting your guard down. I have my guard up all the time and it is the worst, but I have been hurt so many times now, I can not risk another trauma.

I love this man and it pains me that there are so many things so many things I cant do just now and wont do just now im not prepared to.

I dont even know what im saying anymore, I am so tired, so fed up. I have my couselling session tomorrow so lets see how that goes.

For now, thanks for coming back and reading, do you really think that everyone has their purpose in life?

I do.

Stuck

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So I was always taught to follow and trust my heart. But then I end up in situations where my heart has done me no favors.

and I wish I could run with my heart now but I see no realistic situation.

I keep saying I will get this degree, I will get away, I will be with the kids, I will be strong. But then I feel like I’ve fallen 100 steps behind

And noone knows the truth because I cant tell them the ones i told before just vanished and left me behind. So called friends! think it’s simple to just walk away!

And i did … at one point

I fell in love I met someone who treated me like gold for awhile. He was there for me emotionally. Physically maybe not so much so. And he eventually spent less and less time with me. But he understood me we understood each other. We could have had a future and that sometimes throws me off that we was so close to picturing this future together that it felt so right then he took all that away. And left.

And it tumbled from there days and weeks and months I was shouted at about him. I felt punished not only by the man that left but the man who came between and continued to control me I suppose. He was an emotional wreck couldn’t believe I met someone else couldn’t believe that I would do such a thing.

So I asked if he wanted to try again because I needed his support I was broken more broken than before. I thought if he missed me cared so much he would be different.

But then he was shouting all the time bringing him up. I couldn’t get away so again I wrote a blog.

Because I didnt want that memory to become distorted. Filled with his hate and anger.

So im stuck because I have no option right now he helps with school run he helps with paying the fee for the nursery if I walk if I suggest a break again he will take all that away from me. Even the counsellor said I must do what I need to to survive and this doesnt seem that significant.

I mean its not much of a sacrifice. Just I feel alone, I feel isolated, I feel belittled, and theres someones arms at the other side of the road almost wide open. But it cant be him because he has a host of complex issues. But he is offering. I dont want a partner or a man to get me out of this I have to do my time get my degree and leave this city.

This is so hard.

He’s

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He’s kind of attractive we like similar things yet he has a limited diet fussy dont like much food. Could be because hes autistic but that doesn’t bother me. Although he is 24 and still a virgin that doesnt bother me too. But it bothers me that he thinks I might be the one and I am not the one to take his virginity!

Wow I couldn’t that would be so terrible. I think in the long run we will be friends. We both write we both enjoy events and going out places . It’s nice to finally meet someone who enjoys my things too. Like he reads my stuff he has an interest and I’ve never really ever had that.

But I dont like that other he hates anyone I hang around with so I’m trying to keep him away I wouldnt want him getting hurt. Verbally more so. I’ve become a little bit protective over our friendship. I think he knows I like being with him and he hates that anyone else could make me happy.

It’s like with new guy last year . He did everything to break me and him up and he did I believe he was one of the drives to get him to leave me. That reminds me it’s been almost 5 months now since I have heard from new guy. I can most honestly say he is far off the radar now.

Still I cant believe I end up in these situations. I really missed new guy I cared for him he told me so many things and then he said he was telling me things he didnt tell others. But I feel like it was just his way with words. Despite the significant age gap of 16 years, we seemed to get on well like a duck in a pond.

It’s been a week but feels like a month

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Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.

It honestly feels like a month.

I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.

As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.

I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.

He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.

He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.

He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.

He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.

So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.

He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.

I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.

It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.

He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.

*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.

why didn’t you kill yourself ?

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this is another question i asked myself so many times, the first time when the first man would curl up his fist and smack it into the wall right above my head. so hard that the canvas on the wall fell off, i remember telling the domestic abuse charity this event a year later when i was trying to escape. and writing it down for the first time ever 8 years later makes me see how scary that must have been for a 17 year old who had just given birth…

i sometimes refer to myself as another person and another character and this isnt on purpose this is because i cant act like its me because if i do i cant move on.

they didn’t help me get out of danger they put me back into the danger. and this is why i cant really have a word press or a safe space to blog because the people that know me and the media attention that i am currently getting, see its just that it would not be a good time for me to share this with them, and i trust you i can talk to you. A little bit like my counsellor you wont judge me ,you wont look down on me ,you wont get mad at me ,you wont block me, you wont hurt me.

you think that there is freedom of speech that there is safe places to go to talk, there just isn’t anymore, even the buses have recording devices on their buses. your phone has a gps flashes up when you’ve been inside a cafe just to leave a review. no where is safe no where. and when you have children you always have to be aware of what you say or they will send people to you. there is a lot of fear here, mum’s fear things and they don’t speak up about it. no one wants a social worker being nosey. they cant give you money or give you food they can only protect the children, really that’s the hard thing they have to go by the rules of the system. my mum always says that back when i was a child, social workers could take mum’s out the house could do more to help people, even call the benefits people up on their behalf. they aren’t even allowed to do that anymore, the gov takes help and those who used to defend people are taken away.