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He was lying

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Turns out my other ex knows how to play games also, the other week I was just laying it out there saying would he ever get married? and would he meet someone? and asking about his work.

I know that when we was together he would flirt with people from work and then lie about it when he got home, he would always have secret girls on his phone and if I caught it or saw it then I would normally ask. (most people have ago at me at this point asking why I would look or how I would see)

Well when you have children I occasionally would ask to use his camera, I was a huge camera fan at the time and he broke one of my phones to the point where the lenses didn’t work anymore. Also being in a committed relationship I assumed there would be nothing to hide.

He would open up snapchat and talk to the girl out of Hull and talk about secretly meeting her, he would say that he liked her when they first started talking and that they had a good bond. All the usual bullshit,

Thing is this guy seemed smart, he would tell me things I would like to hear and this is the issue when I just threw it out there last week, he was a bit weird about it. Granted was probably weird that I asked but I was just curious as he has always been a great liar and he manipulates me in many ways I can never know what is real or what is false, also I wanted to see what his intentions where. After months and months of him saying he wouldn’t ever be or get with anyone else and that he was desperate to be with me if that was all just a game or he was being genuine.

Why did I end it anyway?

He wasn’t ever affectionate with me, he would lie about things, he was controlling, he wouldn’t stay in my house he would say he hated my home, which was a huge one and it meant I would have to stay at his mums as he lives with his mum. I wasn’t happy about this because every time I went he would be playing games until the AM and would have the TV on. This would be one of the things that hurt me the most because it would have been a great time as a couple to settle down and go to sleep. It was hard to maintain a relationship and be at uni and I feel very bad now that I didn’t do more, like when he would take me to uni he would want to kiss and I never kissed him. But at the same time , I just felt it wasn’t ever enough, he wouldn’t get a job, also I was scared that that people would see me in a relationship and make lies up to the government. I had to claim and live alone because he wouldn’t get a job.

I felt bad because I wanted a unit I didn’t want to live separate lives and him be at his mothers, but he was unwilling to help pay for bills or help maintain the home. I also had fallen into a pocket of writing, so I would write and write and leave notebooks around the house about past things and that guy from last year and he would invade my space and read them and over look into it.

Maybe I was the heartless one, maybe I could have done more. But I was too angry at the abuse he gave me when I was pregnant the refusals to help me when I was in pain and then me having to get emergency surgery because he didn’t want to listen to me. After almost dying I thought that all he would want was to be close to me, to make sure that I am ok, make sure I didn’t get hurt again, care about me, be a partner, I expected to come home after surgery and be held and looked after especially after only just given birth 4 weeks prior.

Thats the worst, going home after horrific week in hospital and basically becoming a housebound child minder whilst he played video games I laid in agony breastfeeding a baby on the bed.

He couldnt look at me he wouldnt lay with me he treated me like I wasnt in the house, he didnt even make the effort to talk to me and make sure that I was ok. He wouldnt get the food shopping even though they told him I was not to lift heavy shopping after having surgery for 6 weeks, he was told to claim benefits and care for me for at least 2 months, and his family would blame me and say that I was doing it on purpose, when the fact was I nearly died.

He didn’t stick up for me, he didn’t talk to me, and he refused to spend time with me, so I wandered away and I met someone else and he left me so I thought I would give us a second try. But that didn’t work too, he became possessive and aggressive, I tried to love him but I couldn’t knowing that all that time ago he didn’t love me at my weakest.

I also think that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been there for him ran him baths made him food cleaned the house, got him back into the world and helped him socialise. He let me rot and let me get worse and deteriorate as his family would call up the phone and bully me.

I had to have a nurse come and see me weekly to make sure that I was ok because all he would do was play video games, and I am talking about a mid 20s man not a teenager.

So why do I feel bad now?

Few weeks ago he was going on about how I was his first love that he will always love me, and I went back to 5 years ago and I remember how he was when I first met him he was kind and quite and shy. Then he became this monster, and I can never know what he is if he is real or fake or a liar. And this is why I have come to the thought that he is a liar and he was lying a few weeks ago because if it was true , I wouldn’t be feeling so sad and unhappy, people who love each other dont try to make you feel sad or unhappy.

Im sure.

Even now that we are not together he manages to control my weeks with childcare, he doesn’t stay consistent and his mum is in control of taking and having the children who is able to go and who isnt. I am sure he spends most his week on games and flirting with women on the internet. I cant wait till the days I no longer give a shit.

The last supper

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It was this time last year and I had been introduced to you, and this point we also had a meal at that friends house that introduced us. I didn’t think this time this year I would be returning alone, and as her boyfriend came in a greeted her from work, it made me think we could have had a similar fate. My jealous stomach was retching every time I saw them kiss.

They had no care that I was the guest and as I sat there listening to their mini discussions and smooching. Insensitive to how I must have felt, and the elephant in the room that being your name not mentioned.

I keep thinking if I hold back long enough maybe one day you may message me, but I think that after almost 9 months that wont happen, I keep hoping that any spark of my memory will make you want to talk to me again, but then I also believe that maybe you never loved me and that it was just fun for you. I still cant forget your genuine reasoning’s for saying that you loved me. And that time we laid in bed and you came over to me and kissed me and moved my hair and looked at my ears and said I cant believe that your ears are perfect to. You would look at me like you was in love so I could never understand the treatment you gave me after you left. Which led to the confusion that I now have.

July 2019

I managed to get a baby sitter for us to go to my friends house, she was asking me what food you liked as you said you didn’t like sweet things, we sat around the table you was sat opposite me and you kept looking up to me.

It was nice, we was all drinking and relaxing having the occasional cig in the yard. Then we went into the living room and you and your friend who was dating my friend and is still with her put music on the TV. Obviously with the 16 year age gap I didn’t know all the songs.

It got late and I was tired, it had been a long week with the kids again. You promised you would walk me home, and I didn’t want you to walk home all alone by yourself. I cant remember if you got a taxi or not and I cant remember the walk home. You seemed nice enough to me though we hadn’t kissed at this point I dont think.

and that was the last supper I suppose that I can remember.

ch 4 (draft story ) come to a place

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So, I have come to a place where I feel in the middle, I am nor happy or sad today however having been able to purge my thoughts out to you in the last few days I feel like I am starting to feel a little warmer.

In fact the whole idea of dating or being with someone again really does put me off. I do think about how all the men in my life have treated me up till now and if men are even really worth the effort.

I wont die without sex for a few years I will managed without having someone to love as I will always have the children to love, it would be nice to meet someone one day that will love and respect me all the same. But seriously I dont think that time will come for a long time, and I am sick of meeting sad desperate people who are really just after sex its horrible feeling. Especially when these people have not got their own shit together and cant be bothered to look after themselves. I am also talking body image, these men cant be bothered to brush their hair or clean their teeth or change their clothes yet they want me to jump all over them and give in.

No one makes the effort anymore people just think that you should do what ever they want if they give you a little something or make a little effort. Next time I dont want that I want effort at all times not just when they feel like it because they might get some sex, or they have managed to get me drunk enough so that I dont give a damn. I have become a boring stubborn woman. But I have to be, I have children now and no man is good enough unless they are able to care for themselves and have a fucking back bone, I cant deal with more people who have mummy issues and are unable to wipe their own arses in their late 20s.

I am pretty sure I will be absolutely OK, it does feel a shame when I see all young women my age in their 20s with gorgeous boyfriends that treat them and take them away and get nice selfies together and family portraits. Its even more annoying that they are starting to buy houses and new cars, I cant even drive yet!

But I am nearly through a law degree which a lot of people I know dont have so I really need to stop looking the other way and focus more on myself. Its the hardest thing to do in life focus on your own goals whilst everyone else seems to be so far in front and put together in their lives. Also some people are only just having their first born, I have done that so long ago now.

So where I am right now is a muddle. I have a slightly older man whos double my age talking to me, he also runs a group I joined a year ago. I also have baby daddy hanging around because he collects our daughter weekly. It has become too much of a muddle that I feel I can no longer involve myself with this older man, he has started to ask for more like he says he wants sex and he wants me to kiss him, I am not ready for a physical relationship and I have things I need to do for myself before I do enter into one.

He does not appreciate this thought and a fair few times he has now lashed out at me, he gets angry about Facebook statuses I write. Look I am a writer I like expressing my feelings on social media, who doesn’t?

He also had ago at me this week and said that I am too obsessed with my exs, I have had 2 relationships in one year that is a lot to deal with especially one that had lasted almost 5 years.

So I come over here on to my secret blog that no one has a clue about and I feel free I can write about what I like and not feel scared about someones reaction, not feel like I am doing something wrong, I am able to be myself and tell you about the things I have been through and learn with you about the way in which relationships start last and end.

You are a voiceless audience you dont have any ill judgement of me you dont know where I live or who I am. You are kind and listeners and that is all I have ever wanted in my life people who listen and care and reach out to one another not have ago or tell me what I should and should not being doing.

I want this to be true and honest writing and feelings and thoughts about things and people that I probably yeah wouldnt always say to the people but I damn well think it, as does anyone we all have people in our lives we cant stand but still love them to death.

And that is the issue this man I have been talking to I mean I know I have feelings for him and I would like to think if he needed to talk he would, I would stay and remain his friend, but the thing is he told me he never wants to be just friends and he will always want more, I mean I have only known him a year and he is very forward he seems to know what he wants. But I suppose I have to be more tough and care more about what I want and right now I do not want a relationship no matter how alone I feel. Because waiting and working and being who I am and working my self out first is what matters.

Not only this we are still in the middle of a public health crisis, there is no greater time then to take care of yourself and your family more, men can wait, relationships can wait right now I need this time for me to heal the mental scars and stress I have gone through over the last 9 years.

It’s been a week but feels like a month

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Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.

It honestly feels like a month.

I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.

As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.

I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.

He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.

He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.

He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.

He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.

So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.

He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.

I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.

It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.

He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.

*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.

I’ve been abused.

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Sometimes im still in denial.

I cant believe that someone who said they loved me would eventually hurt me physically or mentally.

Not once aswel but over and over and over and over and over and over.

The mind is a confusing loophole how I manage to go back or forgive someone is beyond me because I know the majority of people I have met have told me they would never forgive…

You’ve poked me prodded me in the face you’ve hit my belonging shouted stomped slammed doors youve cornered me from the children youve sworn at me called me names, you’ve trashed my home the walls, you’ve called me names blamed me for your hurt. You’ve followed me stalked me harassed me. You’ve shouted at me when I was crying you’ve laughed at me when was crying you’ve left me in agony in the bed on my own, you’ve ignored my medical problems and you left me to enter a hospital alone in an ambulance 4 days after giving birth. Left me abandoned alone suicidal. Controlled me.

I think I’ve been abused.

But sometimes I blame myself.

Good understanding

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I’ve always had a good understanding for understanding people. Except I’ve been told that I dont react in situations when I should react at least that what’s he tells me, he also tells me that his grandad is dying of cancer and I should see the urgency in that but I feel like there is nothing I can do and it is out of my control.

He thinks that means I dont care but I do. So it now feels like all his anger and emotion is penting up again and I could end up being his new emotional support cushion. Which isnt the best when I feel like I am still trying to deal with a great deal of things at the moment and he isnt really caring and he says he cant care because of his grandad and I feel like he could do both?

But I dont want to take him away from the situation just I feel like I am always on eggshells. If you feel like you cant be there for someone is that a bad thing?

There never seems to be any calm around here.

I’m annoyed because I had to re write this blog twice because my device decided to reload the screen and delete everything.

And im annoyed that I feel jammed and stuck in a nasty situation like I always am.

My plan has always been to hurry up and pass my degree and then piss off out away from this place. She told me it’s ok and it’s natural to feel this way but she never guided me the direction gave me the correct tools or information or instructions. It’s just something mentally for me that I am not very good at doing right now.

As soon as I was discharged from the mental health service I felt lost and I have been experiencing these bizzare flash backs all in random orders from random ages random events random meanings. And I dont understand what that means and my doctor said they shouldnt have just discharged me.

Few weeks…

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It’s been a few weeks now since you signed me off your service and I still feel like I have a long way to go.

I told you I wasnt ready to leave I was in a panic. A state, bottling it up. My fears from being a child coming back and back and back.

I cant communicate because I have these things I can’t explain to anyone. Or i explain them and people appear uninterested.

so it’s been a few weeks and in a few more weeks I will be back with a new therapist.

I am not proud.

I’ve been told that 7 months is enough, that I should be ok now. Not to appear at counselling through my local authority unless I have a different reason to need to appear.

I’ve been given no tools. Just told that I’m not over this new guy thing and healing from it. But I never got to any of the parts about my dad, about my mum, about my teenage years.

I’m rejected. Spat out of the mental health system as an unfinished painting. I’m not ready not prepared not able to present myself for the art that I am.

I hope that’s the case.

i thought about you today

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i thought about you today, which is annoying.I thought that maybe it had been long enough time to start forgetting you. Seems I cant ever really get you off my mind. Maybe its because I hadn’t ever had anyone be so kind to me, please don’t look at me whilst i blush. Or maybe its because people I know are ignoring me on purpose and its starting to get to me.

I may come across as a really paranoid person but I really aren’t see if you got to know me and stuck around then you would see. things have changed around here and i wish i could show you. but i guess i wouldn’t have all this creativity if it wasn’t for you leaving me.

You remind me a little bit of my dad, a coward.

I made a huge mistake this weekend you must have blocked me on facebook because when i first had a look at whether I could message you or not. It said I wasnt allowed to reply to your message.

I made a huge error, I started this year on a note that I would not contact you, got really fucking drunk and then he brought you up and I remembered you all over again. I was so drunk I am so sorry. I sent a message saying have you blocked me? and also I have some cigs if you want them, I don’t want them. and then I freaked out and I blocked you. I didn’t think I could send messages so I was a little bit like for fuck sake what have I done and I carried on digging the hole.

The thing is since about October I have been sending the odd message, I have said sorry for writing a poem about you that apparently subsequently made you leave me. I have explained myself. I have been to you given you your shit , in the start of the end.

You read every single one didn’t you and you ignored them, and whilst you ignored them I had the whole wide world telling me that I am crazy that I should get the hint, then I read the other side of the whole wide world saying that if it is something worth fighting for then fight for it.

but there is nothing to fight for when you are talking to yourself. and now i have made the situation 10 times worse. I promise now that I have you (wordpress) to talk to that I will write in here instead then reach out to a fool that doesn’t give a fuck if I am suffering.

its not like I haven’t noticed that it can come across a little bit selfish of me to try to talk to you, i have no idea what might be happening in your life, and i have thought that maybe you will come to me when you are ready to talk but now i am starting to think that it doesn’t matter anymore because the way that i have been after the break up may have made you be even more weary of me.

…

my friend that i don’t really talk to now, wasn’t very kind or thoughtful about this situation see, she said that i shouldn’t say that i miss someone and then say that they hurt me and used me. and i really don’t agree you can love and hate and the same time, i have no idea to think otherwise, when the person i am in conflict with isn’t going to talk to me ever again. when all i can think that is is my fault that they may never ever talk to me. but i have no idea why. its a lot to carry on top of you, especially when you want to move forward and you want to make new friends.

i am stuck, making new friends should be fun but i am scared. he was such a great friend and he was so kind and normal with me and made me think and believe in the world when all of a sudden that false security went, he created a false sense of security from the get go.

he wanted a house with me after 2 weeks, he said that he knew that he loved me just after a week, he said that he wanted me and my family to fit into his car and he was happy to get a bigger car if he needed to, he wanted to take me abroad to see his family, where he grew up. he wanted me to meet his step kids, he wanted my advice he wanted me to cook and clean his clothes, he wanted me at home when he came back from work so he had someone to talk to, he wanted to watch meaningless TV with me then fuck, he was 16 years older and everyone was telling me how safe I was and how I would never be hurt by him, I was all set I was ready to trust.

I knew a huge deal of what he wanted, but when it boiled down when i sat him down after just 3 weeks, i said i want to know your intentions, is this serious ? would you really stick around for this long period of time that you are saying you will? are you sure you want to be with me? I wanted to hear his fight talk, I wanted to see his passion, I wanted to be put on the right track to a successful relationship. All he gave me was that he thought that I was too anxious that I was too worried. But then another 3/4 weeks later he was gone.

So to be insulted and to be essentially be called stupid killed me, when after all my head sorting, he got up and left.

He called me his exs name after a night of almost arguments, he had been staying for a fair few days in a row. He had been going out almost every weekend, and doing the hobbies he liked. We was in a delicate phrase of the relationship, I needed his support, I needed his comfort, and he could not be there for me when I needed him. But I knew that I could forgive him for that, yet I couldn’t that instantly, because he called me his ex’s name, and then I got into the shower and I just cried my eyes out. I knew that something so terrible was on its way. the night before was strange i felt really unwell and not really up to eating and he wasn’t eating very well too… he was starting to complain but my energy had burnt out I just said get some soup or something, and it was awful, he was then prepared to sleep on the sofa but i didn’t want that, I mean he had a flat 5 mins away he could have just gone home.

I never wanted to fall out with this guy, I wanted to be in his life and I equally wanted him in mine, and I didn’t think that a woman in her mid 20’s could feel such intense heart break, almost as painful as the first.

He didn’t abuse me we didn’t have an argument, so I cant understand where I am. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to fight for me, when he said he loved me….

its not like i intend to be weird

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my mum always used to say when i was growing up that i fall for people way to easily and im afraid to admit that she was right. mums are always right, mostly.

the thing is it breaks my heart that because im young and im a mum that that is an unattractive thing to be. just tonight whilst being with someone i recently met, a male friend, he said that his mum doesnt need to worry because i have 3 children.

so basically that means that im not good enough quality, im used, ive had kids, ive been with men, im not a good person because of these factors.

i hate it

i carry it around with me all the time this feeling that i am not enough because i have kids and the media uses it against me and my family remind me of my failings and my friends dont see how sad i am and alone sometimes.

the thing is this new friend its a strange one, i am not in a situation to fall and i don’t want to fall. this lad yeah he is the same age as me pretty successful but he has about as much confidence as the sole on my shoe.

i need someone who is strong and able to be there for me mentally, or no one at all. it is easier to repair your own mistakes then it is two peoples. i feel like he probably flirts with all women, he tells me that he is rejected often and i have had my fair share of rejection. i am not in a good place so this would not be a good time for anyone new right now.

oh but he makes me smile he makes me laugh again and i wish that i could put these feelings aside and control them, something my councilor said was that you cannot control your feelings, so i keep telling myself its ok to like him a little bit, but realistically nothing would work. but then i find myself thinking but he is this he is that.

like he acts like he cares he acts like he knows me we have only been talking a few weeks, i am wary that when you meet someone it always feels great at the start, and it kills me that there will be a downside to this feeling. the what ifs are powerful and the maybes are interesting. I cant help it if i am a bit weird …