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He was lying

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Turns out my other ex knows how to play games also, the other week I was just laying it out there saying would he ever get married? and would he meet someone? and asking about his work.

I know that when we was together he would flirt with people from work and then lie about it when he got home, he would always have secret girls on his phone and if I caught it or saw it then I would normally ask. (most people have ago at me at this point asking why I would look or how I would see)

Well when you have children I occasionally would ask to use his camera, I was a huge camera fan at the time and he broke one of my phones to the point where the lenses didn’t work anymore. Also being in a committed relationship I assumed there would be nothing to hide.

He would open up snapchat and talk to the girl out of Hull and talk about secretly meeting her, he would say that he liked her when they first started talking and that they had a good bond. All the usual bullshit,

Thing is this guy seemed smart, he would tell me things I would like to hear and this is the issue when I just threw it out there last week, he was a bit weird about it. Granted was probably weird that I asked but I was just curious as he has always been a great liar and he manipulates me in many ways I can never know what is real or what is false, also I wanted to see what his intentions where. After months and months of him saying he wouldn’t ever be or get with anyone else and that he was desperate to be with me if that was all just a game or he was being genuine.

Why did I end it anyway?

He wasn’t ever affectionate with me, he would lie about things, he was controlling, he wouldn’t stay in my house he would say he hated my home, which was a huge one and it meant I would have to stay at his mums as he lives with his mum. I wasn’t happy about this because every time I went he would be playing games until the AM and would have the TV on. This would be one of the things that hurt me the most because it would have been a great time as a couple to settle down and go to sleep. It was hard to maintain a relationship and be at uni and I feel very bad now that I didn’t do more, like when he would take me to uni he would want to kiss and I never kissed him. But at the same time , I just felt it wasn’t ever enough, he wouldn’t get a job, also I was scared that that people would see me in a relationship and make lies up to the government. I had to claim and live alone because he wouldn’t get a job.

I felt bad because I wanted a unit I didn’t want to live separate lives and him be at his mothers, but he was unwilling to help pay for bills or help maintain the home. I also had fallen into a pocket of writing, so I would write and write and leave notebooks around the house about past things and that guy from last year and he would invade my space and read them and over look into it.

Maybe I was the heartless one, maybe I could have done more. But I was too angry at the abuse he gave me when I was pregnant the refusals to help me when I was in pain and then me having to get emergency surgery because he didn’t want to listen to me. After almost dying I thought that all he would want was to be close to me, to make sure that I am ok, make sure I didn’t get hurt again, care about me, be a partner, I expected to come home after surgery and be held and looked after especially after only just given birth 4 weeks prior.

Thats the worst, going home after horrific week in hospital and basically becoming a housebound child minder whilst he played video games I laid in agony breastfeeding a baby on the bed.

He couldnt look at me he wouldnt lay with me he treated me like I wasnt in the house, he didnt even make the effort to talk to me and make sure that I was ok. He wouldnt get the food shopping even though they told him I was not to lift heavy shopping after having surgery for 6 weeks, he was told to claim benefits and care for me for at least 2 months, and his family would blame me and say that I was doing it on purpose, when the fact was I nearly died.

He didn’t stick up for me, he didn’t talk to me, and he refused to spend time with me, so I wandered away and I met someone else and he left me so I thought I would give us a second try. But that didn’t work too, he became possessive and aggressive, I tried to love him but I couldn’t knowing that all that time ago he didn’t love me at my weakest.

I also think that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been there for him ran him baths made him food cleaned the house, got him back into the world and helped him socialise. He let me rot and let me get worse and deteriorate as his family would call up the phone and bully me.

I had to have a nurse come and see me weekly to make sure that I was ok because all he would do was play video games, and I am talking about a mid 20s man not a teenager.

So why do I feel bad now?

Few weeks ago he was going on about how I was his first love that he will always love me, and I went back to 5 years ago and I remember how he was when I first met him he was kind and quite and shy. Then he became this monster, and I can never know what he is if he is real or fake or a liar. And this is why I have come to the thought that he is a liar and he was lying a few weeks ago because if it was true , I wouldn’t be feeling so sad and unhappy, people who love each other dont try to make you feel sad or unhappy.

Im sure.

Even now that we are not together he manages to control my weeks with childcare, he doesn’t stay consistent and his mum is in control of taking and having the children who is able to go and who isnt. I am sure he spends most his week on games and flirting with women on the internet. I cant wait till the days I no longer give a shit.

The last supper

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It was this time last year and I had been introduced to you, and this point we also had a meal at that friends house that introduced us. I didn’t think this time this year I would be returning alone, and as her boyfriend came in a greeted her from work, it made me think we could have had a similar fate. My jealous stomach was retching every time I saw them kiss.

They had no care that I was the guest and as I sat there listening to their mini discussions and smooching. Insensitive to how I must have felt, and the elephant in the room that being your name not mentioned.

I keep thinking if I hold back long enough maybe one day you may message me, but I think that after almost 9 months that wont happen, I keep hoping that any spark of my memory will make you want to talk to me again, but then I also believe that maybe you never loved me and that it was just fun for you. I still cant forget your genuine reasoning’s for saying that you loved me. And that time we laid in bed and you came over to me and kissed me and moved my hair and looked at my ears and said I cant believe that your ears are perfect to. You would look at me like you was in love so I could never understand the treatment you gave me after you left. Which led to the confusion that I now have.

July 2019

I managed to get a baby sitter for us to go to my friends house, she was asking me what food you liked as you said you didn’t like sweet things, we sat around the table you was sat opposite me and you kept looking up to me.

It was nice, we was all drinking and relaxing having the occasional cig in the yard. Then we went into the living room and you and your friend who was dating my friend and is still with her put music on the TV. Obviously with the 16 year age gap I didn’t know all the songs.

It got late and I was tired, it had been a long week with the kids again. You promised you would walk me home, and I didn’t want you to walk home all alone by yourself. I cant remember if you got a taxi or not and I cant remember the walk home. You seemed nice enough to me though we hadn’t kissed at this point I dont think.

and that was the last supper I suppose that I can remember.

Notice

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Truth is no matter how hard I try , I feel as if no one would notice me. I could dress up and look all nice and proper but there would always be another girl in the room that makes no effort and is just naturally stunning, inside and out. And she has no issues she has no past trauma shes probably not shy about giving blow jobs or hand jobs for that matter and she probably takes everything in her stride.

Obviously if I said that out loud people would think that I was being sh-rude.

Every thing is drama everyone is always up in everyone’s face in this city, it doesn’t matter if you are a Charity worker, or work in a vets you have to be the best and the only. Your vets would be the best one in town no one else, everyone is competitive, liars and fake. Even the hairdressers are fake, do you really think that she cares about your life stories? She forgot your newborns name in 5 seconds.

Worst of all people judge in this town, what you do , where you go , who you talk to. Its depressing, its stressful and its lonely. Being noticed is hard getting published is near enough impossible. I am desperate now, I have so many stories and ideas in my head it makes me proud to be an almost well known famous author….OK im not but maybe one day.

He said out of town shows pay off more people respect you more and want to see you they also want to pay for you to do an act. Why I dont think that he is that known I dont know, or maybe it doesn’t bother me, at least I know it is still safe here writing to you and I can keep telling you about all the secrets and the gossip.

I wont be noticed ever, I wont be noticed for my love of confessional writing or diary style writing, my secret love for drama and movies and made up stories. I will only ever be notices for mistakes, no one remembers my name and no one cares.

Nothing else really mattered

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I did the part I put on a show and I didn’t really feel like it made too much of a difference. I spent 3 months building up to it, I missed important deadlines, I missed opportunities with people and it just felt as though it didn’t pay off.

the darkest day went, and we managed to somehow get over it, but there is something about an angry face that really does stay engraved into my memory, it hurts me it haunts me and it makes me feel like I have done something terrible, when I really dont think I have.

I hide from peoples anger because I have been abused I know what people can get like I know the furthest they could go if they wanted to. I have never been around a guy who can control his anger or his emotions, and turns out even though he should know so much better that he really doesnt. It was ok in the end he apologised and I didnt really know what else to say.

People arent always holding up so well they show that they are but a lot of the time they are cracking up, I have noticed the longer you live on your own the harder it can be you are always functioning and talking and thinking. When there is no one else there to talk to then it just feels like you are isolated and alone. There is nothing worse some days going to bed and laying alone with no one to share it with. I like sharing things I like being around people most the time.

Does this pandemic further make us more apart as humans, will technology drive us further and further away?

I have always wanted someone in my life that can be strong influence on me, someone who can get me and I wouldn’t need to or have to explain why. A guide not a judge someone who cares enough to make sure that you get home safe not shout at you because you wanted to go home.

For people in the end I think it always boils down to safety, if you’re insecure anyway it is even harder to allow yourself to feel safe when you are letting your guard down. I have my guard up all the time and it is the worst, but I have been hurt so many times now, I can not risk another trauma.

I love this man and it pains me that there are so many things so many things I cant do just now and wont do just now im not prepared to.

I dont even know what im saying anymore, I am so tired, so fed up. I have my couselling session tomorrow so lets see how that goes.

For now, thanks for coming back and reading, do you really think that everyone has their purpose in life?

I do.

ch 4 (draft story ) come to a place

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So, I have come to a place where I feel in the middle, I am nor happy or sad today however having been able to purge my thoughts out to you in the last few days I feel like I am starting to feel a little warmer.

In fact the whole idea of dating or being with someone again really does put me off. I do think about how all the men in my life have treated me up till now and if men are even really worth the effort.

I wont die without sex for a few years I will managed without having someone to love as I will always have the children to love, it would be nice to meet someone one day that will love and respect me all the same. But seriously I dont think that time will come for a long time, and I am sick of meeting sad desperate people who are really just after sex its horrible feeling. Especially when these people have not got their own shit together and cant be bothered to look after themselves. I am also talking body image, these men cant be bothered to brush their hair or clean their teeth or change their clothes yet they want me to jump all over them and give in.

No one makes the effort anymore people just think that you should do what ever they want if they give you a little something or make a little effort. Next time I dont want that I want effort at all times not just when they feel like it because they might get some sex, or they have managed to get me drunk enough so that I dont give a damn. I have become a boring stubborn woman. But I have to be, I have children now and no man is good enough unless they are able to care for themselves and have a fucking back bone, I cant deal with more people who have mummy issues and are unable to wipe their own arses in their late 20s.

I am pretty sure I will be absolutely OK, it does feel a shame when I see all young women my age in their 20s with gorgeous boyfriends that treat them and take them away and get nice selfies together and family portraits. Its even more annoying that they are starting to buy houses and new cars, I cant even drive yet!

But I am nearly through a law degree which a lot of people I know dont have so I really need to stop looking the other way and focus more on myself. Its the hardest thing to do in life focus on your own goals whilst everyone else seems to be so far in front and put together in their lives. Also some people are only just having their first born, I have done that so long ago now.

So where I am right now is a muddle. I have a slightly older man whos double my age talking to me, he also runs a group I joined a year ago. I also have baby daddy hanging around because he collects our daughter weekly. It has become too much of a muddle that I feel I can no longer involve myself with this older man, he has started to ask for more like he says he wants sex and he wants me to kiss him, I am not ready for a physical relationship and I have things I need to do for myself before I do enter into one.

He does not appreciate this thought and a fair few times he has now lashed out at me, he gets angry about Facebook statuses I write. Look I am a writer I like expressing my feelings on social media, who doesn’t?

He also had ago at me this week and said that I am too obsessed with my exs, I have had 2 relationships in one year that is a lot to deal with especially one that had lasted almost 5 years.

So I come over here on to my secret blog that no one has a clue about and I feel free I can write about what I like and not feel scared about someones reaction, not feel like I am doing something wrong, I am able to be myself and tell you about the things I have been through and learn with you about the way in which relationships start last and end.

You are a voiceless audience you dont have any ill judgement of me you dont know where I live or who I am. You are kind and listeners and that is all I have ever wanted in my life people who listen and care and reach out to one another not have ago or tell me what I should and should not being doing.

I want this to be true and honest writing and feelings and thoughts about things and people that I probably yeah wouldnt always say to the people but I damn well think it, as does anyone we all have people in our lives we cant stand but still love them to death.

And that is the issue this man I have been talking to I mean I know I have feelings for him and I would like to think if he needed to talk he would, I would stay and remain his friend, but the thing is he told me he never wants to be just friends and he will always want more, I mean I have only known him a year and he is very forward he seems to know what he wants. But I suppose I have to be more tough and care more about what I want and right now I do not want a relationship no matter how alone I feel. Because waiting and working and being who I am and working my self out first is what matters.

Not only this we are still in the middle of a public health crisis, there is no greater time then to take care of yourself and your family more, men can wait, relationships can wait right now I need this time for me to heal the mental scars and stress I have gone through over the last 9 years.

Ch 3 10 months (draft story)

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I didn’t get chance to tell you much about the memory huh, I will get into that I swear. Since after all I am really enjoying this even though no ones reads my ramblings it feels very good to be able to get it out there. Vanish into the internet with the millions of things that people have written and never looked back on.

Its been 10 months now since we broke up and I have learnt a lot. I assume that is what you are supposed to do when you break up with someone you learn a lot.

He has played it very well he was able to say goodbye from day one and turn his head and ignore me. He has not messages called turned up. Nothing. I see his posts and comments all over my friends timeline so I know he is had has been purposely ignoring me. This is what makes it hard for me to remain and maintain a friendship with her because I see all his goofy comments on her things. He must know I see that. But it doesn’t matter to him and that really hurts me. I didn’t think he would be another one of them guys who says they love you and then avoids you and acts as if you meant nothing to them.

Regardless of what happend the fact that I also had children really hurt me that he didn’t even want to acknowledge this anymore. The way in which he behaved was heartless and cold. The way in which my friend behaved was also heartless and cold. These people where more interested in getting drunk then seeing a friend through a horrible breakup. I dont blame her I just wish she was there for me.

10 months has gone by and I think after this summer I will know a little more about how I feel about it all. I dont know if I will ever see or hear from him again and I need to find peace with that and be OK with it. I have been here before and I know that things will fall into place eventually.

Its sad that we had such a strong connection and that it slowly just faded or vanished away over night. Although looking back he was very keen.

Ill tell you this.

It had been a couple of weeks and he stood in my garden having a cig and then he came to me and looked at me and he said ‘I didn’t want to say it yet but I am going to because I have been thinking it for a long time really but wasn’t sure how to say it, I love you’

I mean it was nice but it had also been 2 weeks. So I was worried and I shouldn’t have been really I should have enjoyed someone telling me they loved me. This still makes me sad because it feels like a happy memory I should be able to keep.

Then when moving into the 3rd 4th week he was a little bit more forward. He was saying about how I could get things for the house, and saying that he was happy to help take me to the skip he was going to help buy some things to help me out. Which I had never had and I thought that this was really sweet. But then he started to talk about finding a bigger house that maybe it would be better and I had only just moved into this house I hadn’t been here that long not even a month at this stage. He was keen and it was sweet and nice I liked it I just thought it was all a little soon we hadn’t even had sex at this point we hadn’t even had dates.

Maybe he was just really in love with me and I was too blind about how I should have reacted. I should have maybe told him it was soon but I was interested in doing that in the future.

Now there is no future. I think that is also one of the hardest things knowing that that future you spoke about is no longer alive anymore,there is no future with that person to carry forward along with them precious memories at the start of a relationship that you try to cherish and preserve so you can one day talk about them with one another.

its tough.

So one of the main memories that I didn’t get chance to tell you about in the last chapter was about us sitting on the floor in my living room a few days before he walked away. This is going to be the hardest part of the story to tell you because still till this day I dont understand someones willingness and then their total ignorance.

I also later found that my ex purposely sabotaged the relationship I was forming with this guy. He told me in February this year that he purposely harassed me and messaged me because he knew that it would make the new person annoyed and put off by me. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again the more I got away and the more that I kept on learning.

So we was sat on my living room floor and I was writing in my university planner about the courses that I was going to do. He looked and went through them with me too. He noticed some days I had off and he was laughing saying we could use them days and it was really nice that we was planning things to do with one another and seeing a future.

He said that he wouldn’t be like any of my exes be all funny or horrible if I had uni work to do. He wouldn’t distract me. He said that he was perfectly able to occupy himself whilst I was busy studying. He also said he would be happy to read with me and do some work with me which was nice. This is the last happy memory that I have of him and the memory that keeps pulling me to pieces every few months. How can someone be or seem so kind and say all these things and not follow through why say that to me then a week later leave me. I had all these new pressures on me and I needed the support for once I thought that after all this time it was finally coming that I had met my soul mate that wanted to be an equal support me and watch me succeed.

He wanted to talk in the week that we stopped speaking and I didn’t want him to come over to tell me that he didn’t want to see me anymore I could not take the pain and I have made this mess myself if I had let him over maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad as I thought. But then I didn’t think anything would be nice about seeing someone your are in love with tell you they dont want to be with you anymore.

We had a heavy weekend full of alcohol and come the Sunday he was really hungover and grumpy. Very grumpy. This upset me.

He then went home with barely any word, on the Sunday and I was struggling with the kids because I was hungover too this made me upset because I thought I would not be struggling alone anymore. I thought he would brave it through and stay with me on the Sunday, but he was really not himself. I think he wanted to break up with me on the Saturday but that didn’t go to plan because we started talking and got drunk and had sex.

He was complaining about paying for us to eat out and I didn’t really care I would have gone anywhere I just did not want to cook.

He didn’t talk to me for the whole of the Sunday when he went home around 3 pm, this further upset me. Then come the Monday I knew that he wasn’t at work because he doesn’t work Mondays he didn’t talk to me he didn’t message or say anything this sent alarm bells off in my head and I panicked and frighted myself. I unfriended him to see if he would notice and since then he has never accepted me as a friend again, but he did notice that and he did message after that asking why I unfriended him.

Then that was that and he said he couldn’t be with me anymore because he felt he was more autistic than he realised and not over the death of his family members. The more I read and write this phrase down the more I realise how fucking stupid it sounded.

So after ten months I think I have been able to come to the conclusion that, he didnt want to take on another family he didnt want to put effort in with new children, he was unable to be empathetic towards me needs completely and he would say what I needed and wanted to hear and not follow his word. He was able to continue being in the bubble he was in so easily because that was his life and he was comfortable with that. I had just had a new house move and left and abusive partner he wasn’t able to give me the emotional support that I needed in that moment and because I needed emotional support I wasn’t able to be a push over and let him drain me for his own needs. He needed someone to just do and be there available when he was available I needed someone open and able to be there when I was in emotional distress and also just someone to talk to.

He would spend days at work and I wouldn’t hear a thing and then I would later learn that he manged to have a whole convo with his ex about the step children, this made me feel jealous because he would ignore me for long amounts of time when I didn’t see this necessary he could still have messaged me.

He also spoke about his ex a great deal and this made me think that maybe he wasn’t quite over her even though she had already met someone else, he was clearly torn by the fact that he was no longer with her and this is probably why he called me his exes name.

Even though I felt humiliated by a lot of that relationship I also learnt how much people bullshit to get what they want or are able to use you and an emotional drain. After him telling me stories about his family and the death of his family I felt that I then began to grieve for people I hadn’t even met. He was able to get it off his chest and then peruse the next day I was weighed down with his grief and sadness. Which then made me weak and vulnerable to his behaviour and being able to accept that he was never available for me.

I’m sure that not everything was intentional, but it did amaze me that he managed to tell me so much so soon and then leave all the same.

I was able to identify the emotional distress he had gone through as a young adult, he wouldn’t only just bring his family up he would also start talking about one of the first girls that he dated and he would say it as if I reminded him of her. He said that they would have remained together if they hadn’t had moved different places. He was very keen on this ex and had many fond memories of her.

On the evening of the drinking he told me that his mum had committed suicide when he was 19. She had a number of things that had changed in her life and she could no longer cope, I dont think that he knew that was going to happen I mean he was 19. But I could sense the blame that he felt not being able to save his mother. He said that she was found with pills and alcohol and that it had been an overdose. In the same week or shortly his dad then died from heart attack at the age of 40. This made him paranoid about ageing he wasn’t happy about turning 40 that summer. He never said what caused the heart attack to his dad I guess it could have been alcohol.

5 or so years ago he then told me that his brother tragically died. He said that he went somewhere abroad and people thought that he was perfectly fine. Then he was found in his flat dead he drunk himself to death.

So he told me all these tragedies all these events and then he cut me off. I had no one to talk to about anything and it made me very worried about him as I had generated this emotional connection with him that it made me worry about his well being and the history of his family that there could and was probably mental health running in his family it made me worry that he would end up doing the same fate if he didn’t care for himself and I already knew that he was having issues with his back which he got me to massage. He was a man baby and I know he wanted me to care about him.

But on a serious note I felt that it was a lot to tell someone and then just cut them off, all very personal things he said he hadn’t spoke about or thought about for a long time. I felt honoured that he was able to share things with me. But also broken inside for a man who lost so many family members at such a young age. Was I right to feel this way?

Chapter 1 … Jelly

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And thats when I wanted to kill myself, yeah. That was the end that was all I could think about and the only thing that took over my life, constant anxiety , why this why that how come. Or as he would call it, self pitying feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe, maybe not.

Look im a 25 year old woman and only recently in the last year I have noticed since I stopped breast feeding that I sweat more than normal, my pubic hair grows back within hours and I now have more UTIS than my Nana. Its depressing my tits sag I live in Primark leggings and now I have gone back to remaining inside the house and not for anxiety reasons, well not solely. I mean its been since March since the lock down began and now we are slowly lifting restrictions, I dont see how wearing a face mask is a normal life but I guess this will be our normal life. And now I am having this thought, that I should just end it right he right now.

Quite frankly I am sick of the world I am sick of my community, I am sick of politics sick of worrying about everything and anything all day all night and now even in my dreams.

Why?

I suppose it all started last year when I fell in love with a man who I have spoken about far too many times now but I just love telling the story. All the little glimmers of hope in that relationship reminded me that not all men are evil and complete tossers. But at the same time I think I realised how much of a pretentious bitch I can be and that really was a shame because I blame myself. A lot.

I did the worst thing possible and that was not writing about things, and mainly because I may have met another man this year and he really doesn’t like reading or seeing what I write. So I have this secret account you are now reading from (feel honoured) and well the guy who is baby daddy he, well he abused me so I have had to get an injunction on him during this lock down business which actually ladies was much more easier as I didn’t have to see him in court or deal with him in court as it was all done through the phone, thanks to Covid.

So last year I fell in love with a man who was almost 16 years older than me, and I really liked it. I liked it more that he was more intellect we could talk about so many things that many young men aren’t interested in. Or maybe I was just talking to the wrong young men.

But thanks to my fucking anxiety and hairy chin hairs that appeared every 3 weeks, I turned into a massive piece of jelly that was unable to process and deal with emotions in the moment. Ultimately lead to the end of the relationship after I surprised visited him on his way to work and then read a poem about him on an open mic stage. To be fair to the guy he did call me his exs name in bed. I did have some right to feel the way I felt.

Turns out he didn’t find it as amusing and he didn’t like that I was upset by him calling me Laura.

Yeah, that stung. A lot. I went straight into the shower put music on my phone and I cried, whilst he was still in the house and they kids needed to get ready for school. What the hell was wrong with me? why couldnt I just act like a fucking adult about things. I forgot in the moment that we are all human and we can forget things and do things by accident.

I think it just fucking confused me the whole relationship.

He was 40 and he wore Star Wars pjs in bed? I mean who does that? The whole novelty of dating a guy is being able to wake up in the middle of the night and feel a poke at the back of your bum from his hunky penis? or the slightest warmest touch from his skin on your skin. That is how you bond ? right?

Fucking hell, I had never met a 40 year old that moaned as much as he did about his age. Even more so I have so many painful regrets like not putting love you in his birthday card despite only dating him for a few weeks and not being able to just talk. Like I say I just became jelly, have you ever had that? where you meet someone and they just make you feel and behave like jelly?

….