And thats when I wanted to kill myself, yeah. That was the end that was all I could think about and the only thing that took over my life, constant anxiety , why this why that how come. Or as he would call it, self pitying feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe, maybe not.

Look im a 25 year old woman and only recently in the last year I have noticed since I stopped breast feeding that I sweat more than normal, my pubic hair grows back within hours and I now have more UTIS than my Nana. Its depressing my tits sag I live in Primark leggings and now I have gone back to remaining inside the house and not for anxiety reasons, well not solely. I mean its been since March since the lock down began and now we are slowly lifting restrictions, I dont see how wearing a face mask is a normal life but I guess this will be our normal life. And now I am having this thought, that I should just end it right he right now.

Quite frankly I am sick of the world I am sick of my community, I am sick of politics sick of worrying about everything and anything all day all night and now even in my dreams.

Why?

I suppose it all started last year when I fell in love with a man who I have spoken about far too many times now but I just love telling the story. All the little glimmers of hope in that relationship reminded me that not all men are evil and complete tossers. But at the same time I think I realised how much of a pretentious bitch I can be and that really was a shame because I blame myself. A lot.

I did the worst thing possible and that was not writing about things, and mainly because I may have met another man this year and he really doesn’t like reading or seeing what I write. So I have this secret account you are now reading from (feel honoured) and well the guy who is baby daddy he, well he abused me so I have had to get an injunction on him during this lock down business which actually ladies was much more easier as I didn’t have to see him in court or deal with him in court as it was all done through the phone, thanks to Covid.

So last year I fell in love with a man who was almost 16 years older than me, and I really liked it. I liked it more that he was more intellect we could talk about so many things that many young men aren’t interested in. Or maybe I was just talking to the wrong young men.

But thanks to my fucking anxiety and hairy chin hairs that appeared every 3 weeks, I turned into a massive piece of jelly that was unable to process and deal with emotions in the moment. Ultimately lead to the end of the relationship after I surprised visited him on his way to work and then read a poem about him on an open mic stage. To be fair to the guy he did call me his exs name in bed. I did have some right to feel the way I felt.

Turns out he didn’t find it as amusing and he didn’t like that I was upset by him calling me Laura.

Yeah, that stung. A lot. I went straight into the shower put music on my phone and I cried, whilst he was still in the house and they kids needed to get ready for school. What the hell was wrong with me? why couldnt I just act like a fucking adult about things. I forgot in the moment that we are all human and we can forget things and do things by accident.

I think it just fucking confused me the whole relationship.

He was 40 and he wore Star Wars pjs in bed? I mean who does that? The whole novelty of dating a guy is being able to wake up in the middle of the night and feel a poke at the back of your bum from his hunky penis? or the slightest warmest touch from his skin on your skin. That is how you bond ? right?

Fucking hell, I had never met a 40 year old that moaned as much as he did about his age. Even more so I have so many painful regrets like not putting love you in his birthday card despite only dating him for a few weeks and not being able to just talk. Like I say I just became jelly, have you ever had that? where you meet someone and they just make you feel and behave like jelly?

….