Tag Archives: relationships

It’s been a week but feels like a month

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Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.

It honestly feels like a month.

I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.

As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.

I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.

He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.

He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.

He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.

He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.

So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.

He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.

I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.

It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.

He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.

*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.

Sunday

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there sometimes feel like there is a lot of pressure you know, to be everyone’s friend, when sometimes you don’t want to do anything at all, and sometimes peoples attitudes are hurtful but i can never be strong enough to tell that person that they have been wrong or out of order.

no one could help me out of heartbreak and i think that has been one of life’s greatest lessons, no one night stand no alcohol binge night out no tinder account not even a girls night out, something i have been avoiding for awhile because i don’t want to go out and talk about it. It will only become gossip and hearsay.

she thought that a man would make me happy and i knew that a man would not make me happy, a man made me annoyed and fed up and a man made me feel trapped and all the other men before the man where just terrible terrible experiences.

it was a temporary fix to a huge problem that i was going though i was going through a lot and unfortunate the people that i knew where not understanding not caring too busy wanting drama and gossip than to actually be a good friend, and thats ok sometimes that happends.

there have been times in my life where i never thought that i would ever ever have any friends i thought that it was bad karma for things that had happend at school or maybe even when i met a group of people before college, same time i met the guy outside the church. my irrational thinking has sometimes caused problems but it actually has saved my life a few times. i am 25 and it has taken me this long to learn to trust myself.