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It’s been a week but feels like a month

Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.

It honestly feels like a month.

I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.

As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.

I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.

He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.

He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.

He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.

He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.

So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.

He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.

I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.

It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.

He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.

*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.

Good understanding

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I’ve always had a good understanding for understanding people. Except I’ve been told that I dont react in situations when I should react at least that what’s he tells me, he also tells me that his grandad is dying of cancer and I should see the urgency in that but I feel like there is nothing I can do and it is out of my control.

He thinks that means I dont care but I do. So it now feels like all his anger and emotion is penting up again and I could end up being his new emotional support cushion. Which isnt the best when I feel like I am still trying to deal with a great deal of things at the moment and he isnt really caring and he says he cant care because of his grandad and I feel like he could do both?

But I dont want to take him away from the situation just I feel like I am always on eggshells. If you feel like you cant be there for someone is that a bad thing?

There never seems to be any calm around here.

I’m annoyed because I had to re write this blog twice because my device decided to reload the screen and delete everything.

And im annoyed that I feel jammed and stuck in a nasty situation like I always am.

My plan has always been to hurry up and pass my degree and then piss off out away from this place. She told me it’s ok and it’s natural to feel this way but she never guided me the direction gave me the correct tools or information or instructions. It’s just something mentally for me that I am not very good at doing right now.

As soon as I was discharged from the mental health service I felt lost and I have been experiencing these bizzare flash backs all in random orders from random ages random events random meanings. And I dont understand what that means and my doctor said they shouldnt have just discharged me.

dear reader

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thank you for coming to take a look at my blog please follow and subscribe!

about: So, yesterday it was my last appointment with my therapist that I was seeing for 7 month. It was daunting to leave her and daunting to be let go. She knows I have a dire interest to write and I love blogging I love poetry I love sharing my world and my life with you all. But there was one thing holding me back, the people that I grew to love and trust would be reading my items, chewing them up and spitting them out, calling me names, tracking down my address and posting me hate mail, destroying my life because of what I write. Even though it is nothing new, heart ache isnt new, living in abuse isnt new, living with fears anxieties and worries isnt new, its all been said and written before. I thought I was strong enough to not feel anxious and scared to write, but I am.

and this time this is the story I will be sharing with you, the side that no one else knew or heard. The side that I was unable to voice because of fear of arguments, fear of name calling, fear of conflict, and also fear for my voice being completely shut down.

she asked me what do i get from writing, and I said that I am able to be free, I am able to let go of any worries or concerns I am able to be in my own world without anyone to bother me, I am able to create and live and share the emotions that I am unable to share anymore with people that have walked away from me. I am sure that some of you will agree, poetry was there for me when all of my closest friends where not, and it breaks my heart that I have to do write hidden with no name but for now it is the only way that I feel that I can be safe.

yours,

Miss Anon

Writer