Tag Archives: blogging

He was lying

Leave a reply

Turns out my other ex knows how to play games also, the other week I was just laying it out there saying would he ever get married? and would he meet someone? and asking about his work.

I know that when we was together he would flirt with people from work and then lie about it when he got home, he would always have secret girls on his phone and if I caught it or saw it then I would normally ask. (most people have ago at me at this point asking why I would look or how I would see)

Well when you have children I occasionally would ask to use his camera, I was a huge camera fan at the time and he broke one of my phones to the point where the lenses didn’t work anymore. Also being in a committed relationship I assumed there would be nothing to hide.

He would open up snapchat and talk to the girl out of Hull and talk about secretly meeting her, he would say that he liked her when they first started talking and that they had a good bond. All the usual bullshit,

Thing is this guy seemed smart, he would tell me things I would like to hear and this is the issue when I just threw it out there last week, he was a bit weird about it. Granted was probably weird that I asked but I was just curious as he has always been a great liar and he manipulates me in many ways I can never know what is real or what is false, also I wanted to see what his intentions where. After months and months of him saying he wouldn’t ever be or get with anyone else and that he was desperate to be with me if that was all just a game or he was being genuine.

Why did I end it anyway?

He wasn’t ever affectionate with me, he would lie about things, he was controlling, he wouldn’t stay in my house he would say he hated my home, which was a huge one and it meant I would have to stay at his mums as he lives with his mum. I wasn’t happy about this because every time I went he would be playing games until the AM and would have the TV on. This would be one of the things that hurt me the most because it would have been a great time as a couple to settle down and go to sleep. It was hard to maintain a relationship and be at uni and I feel very bad now that I didn’t do more, like when he would take me to uni he would want to kiss and I never kissed him. But at the same time , I just felt it wasn’t ever enough, he wouldn’t get a job, also I was scared that that people would see me in a relationship and make lies up to the government. I had to claim and live alone because he wouldn’t get a job.

I felt bad because I wanted a unit I didn’t want to live separate lives and him be at his mothers, but he was unwilling to help pay for bills or help maintain the home. I also had fallen into a pocket of writing, so I would write and write and leave notebooks around the house about past things and that guy from last year and he would invade my space and read them and over look into it.

Maybe I was the heartless one, maybe I could have done more. But I was too angry at the abuse he gave me when I was pregnant the refusals to help me when I was in pain and then me having to get emergency surgery because he didn’t want to listen to me. After almost dying I thought that all he would want was to be close to me, to make sure that I am ok, make sure I didn’t get hurt again, care about me, be a partner, I expected to come home after surgery and be held and looked after especially after only just given birth 4 weeks prior.

Thats the worst, going home after horrific week in hospital and basically becoming a housebound child minder whilst he played video games I laid in agony breastfeeding a baby on the bed.

He couldnt look at me he wouldnt lay with me he treated me like I wasnt in the house, he didnt even make the effort to talk to me and make sure that I was ok. He wouldnt get the food shopping even though they told him I was not to lift heavy shopping after having surgery for 6 weeks, he was told to claim benefits and care for me for at least 2 months, and his family would blame me and say that I was doing it on purpose, when the fact was I nearly died.

He didn’t stick up for me, he didn’t talk to me, and he refused to spend time with me, so I wandered away and I met someone else and he left me so I thought I would give us a second try. But that didn’t work too, he became possessive and aggressive, I tried to love him but I couldn’t knowing that all that time ago he didn’t love me at my weakest.

I also think that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been there for him ran him baths made him food cleaned the house, got him back into the world and helped him socialise. He let me rot and let me get worse and deteriorate as his family would call up the phone and bully me.

I had to have a nurse come and see me weekly to make sure that I was ok because all he would do was play video games, and I am talking about a mid 20s man not a teenager.

So why do I feel bad now?

Few weeks ago he was going on about how I was his first love that he will always love me, and I went back to 5 years ago and I remember how he was when I first met him he was kind and quite and shy. Then he became this monster, and I can never know what he is if he is real or fake or a liar. And this is why I have come to the thought that he is a liar and he was lying a few weeks ago because if it was true , I wouldn’t be feeling so sad and unhappy, people who love each other dont try to make you feel sad or unhappy.

Im sure.

Even now that we are not together he manages to control my weeks with childcare, he doesn’t stay consistent and his mum is in control of taking and having the children who is able to go and who isnt. I am sure he spends most his week on games and flirting with women on the internet. I cant wait till the days I no longer give a shit.

Notice

Leave a reply

Truth is no matter how hard I try , I feel as if no one would notice me. I could dress up and look all nice and proper but there would always be another girl in the room that makes no effort and is just naturally stunning, inside and out. And she has no issues she has no past trauma shes probably not shy about giving blow jobs or hand jobs for that matter and she probably takes everything in her stride.

Obviously if I said that out loud people would think that I was being sh-rude.

Every thing is drama everyone is always up in everyone’s face in this city, it doesn’t matter if you are a Charity worker, or work in a vets you have to be the best and the only. Your vets would be the best one in town no one else, everyone is competitive, liars and fake. Even the hairdressers are fake, do you really think that she cares about your life stories? She forgot your newborns name in 5 seconds.

Worst of all people judge in this town, what you do , where you go , who you talk to. Its depressing, its stressful and its lonely. Being noticed is hard getting published is near enough impossible. I am desperate now, I have so many stories and ideas in my head it makes me proud to be an almost well known famous author….OK im not but maybe one day.

He said out of town shows pay off more people respect you more and want to see you they also want to pay for you to do an act. Why I dont think that he is that known I dont know, or maybe it doesn’t bother me, at least I know it is still safe here writing to you and I can keep telling you about all the secrets and the gossip.

I wont be noticed ever, I wont be noticed for my love of confessional writing or diary style writing, my secret love for drama and movies and made up stories. I will only ever be notices for mistakes, no one remembers my name and no one cares.

Chapter 1 … Jelly

Leave a reply

And thats when I wanted to kill myself, yeah. That was the end that was all I could think about and the only thing that took over my life, constant anxiety , why this why that how come. Or as he would call it, self pitying feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe, maybe not.

Look im a 25 year old woman and only recently in the last year I have noticed since I stopped breast feeding that I sweat more than normal, my pubic hair grows back within hours and I now have more UTIS than my Nana. Its depressing my tits sag I live in Primark leggings and now I have gone back to remaining inside the house and not for anxiety reasons, well not solely. I mean its been since March since the lock down began and now we are slowly lifting restrictions, I dont see how wearing a face mask is a normal life but I guess this will be our normal life. And now I am having this thought, that I should just end it right he right now.

Quite frankly I am sick of the world I am sick of my community, I am sick of politics sick of worrying about everything and anything all day all night and now even in my dreams.

Why?

I suppose it all started last year when I fell in love with a man who I have spoken about far too many times now but I just love telling the story. All the little glimmers of hope in that relationship reminded me that not all men are evil and complete tossers. But at the same time I think I realised how much of a pretentious bitch I can be and that really was a shame because I blame myself. A lot.

I did the worst thing possible and that was not writing about things, and mainly because I may have met another man this year and he really doesn’t like reading or seeing what I write. So I have this secret account you are now reading from (feel honoured) and well the guy who is baby daddy he, well he abused me so I have had to get an injunction on him during this lock down business which actually ladies was much more easier as I didn’t have to see him in court or deal with him in court as it was all done through the phone, thanks to Covid.

So last year I fell in love with a man who was almost 16 years older than me, and I really liked it. I liked it more that he was more intellect we could talk about so many things that many young men aren’t interested in. Or maybe I was just talking to the wrong young men.

But thanks to my fucking anxiety and hairy chin hairs that appeared every 3 weeks, I turned into a massive piece of jelly that was unable to process and deal with emotions in the moment. Ultimately lead to the end of the relationship after I surprised visited him on his way to work and then read a poem about him on an open mic stage. To be fair to the guy he did call me his exs name in bed. I did have some right to feel the way I felt.

Turns out he didn’t find it as amusing and he didn’t like that I was upset by him calling me Laura.

Yeah, that stung. A lot. I went straight into the shower put music on my phone and I cried, whilst he was still in the house and they kids needed to get ready for school. What the hell was wrong with me? why couldnt I just act like a fucking adult about things. I forgot in the moment that we are all human and we can forget things and do things by accident.

I think it just fucking confused me the whole relationship.

He was 40 and he wore Star Wars pjs in bed? I mean who does that? The whole novelty of dating a guy is being able to wake up in the middle of the night and feel a poke at the back of your bum from his hunky penis? or the slightest warmest touch from his skin on your skin. That is how you bond ? right?

Fucking hell, I had never met a 40 year old that moaned as much as he did about his age. Even more so I have so many painful regrets like not putting love you in his birthday card despite only dating him for a few weeks and not being able to just talk. Like I say I just became jelly, have you ever had that? where you meet someone and they just make you feel and behave like jelly?

….

Stuck

Leave a reply

So I was always taught to follow and trust my heart. But then I end up in situations where my heart has done me no favors.

and I wish I could run with my heart now but I see no realistic situation.

I keep saying I will get this degree, I will get away, I will be with the kids, I will be strong. But then I feel like I’ve fallen 100 steps behind

And noone knows the truth because I cant tell them the ones i told before just vanished and left me behind. So called friends! think it’s simple to just walk away!

And i did … at one point

I fell in love I met someone who treated me like gold for awhile. He was there for me emotionally. Physically maybe not so much so. And he eventually spent less and less time with me. But he understood me we understood each other. We could have had a future and that sometimes throws me off that we was so close to picturing this future together that it felt so right then he took all that away. And left.

And it tumbled from there days and weeks and months I was shouted at about him. I felt punished not only by the man that left but the man who came between and continued to control me I suppose. He was an emotional wreck couldn’t believe I met someone else couldn’t believe that I would do such a thing.

So I asked if he wanted to try again because I needed his support I was broken more broken than before. I thought if he missed me cared so much he would be different.

But then he was shouting all the time bringing him up. I couldn’t get away so again I wrote a blog.

Because I didnt want that memory to become distorted. Filled with his hate and anger.

So im stuck because I have no option right now he helps with school run he helps with paying the fee for the nursery if I walk if I suggest a break again he will take all that away from me. Even the counsellor said I must do what I need to to survive and this doesnt seem that significant.

I mean its not much of a sacrifice. Just I feel alone, I feel isolated, I feel belittled, and theres someones arms at the other side of the road almost wide open. But it cant be him because he has a host of complex issues. But he is offering. I dont want a partner or a man to get me out of this I have to do my time get my degree and leave this city.

This is so hard.

He’s

Leave a reply

He’s kind of attractive we like similar things yet he has a limited diet fussy dont like much food. Could be because hes autistic but that doesn’t bother me. Although he is 24 and still a virgin that doesnt bother me too. But it bothers me that he thinks I might be the one and I am not the one to take his virginity!

Wow I couldn’t that would be so terrible. I think in the long run we will be friends. We both write we both enjoy events and going out places . It’s nice to finally meet someone who enjoys my things too. Like he reads my stuff he has an interest and I’ve never really ever had that.

But I dont like that other he hates anyone I hang around with so I’m trying to keep him away I wouldnt want him getting hurt. Verbally more so. I’ve become a little bit protective over our friendship. I think he knows I like being with him and he hates that anyone else could make me happy.

It’s like with new guy last year . He did everything to break me and him up and he did I believe he was one of the drives to get him to leave me. That reminds me it’s been almost 5 months now since I have heard from new guy. I can most honestly say he is far off the radar now.

Still I cant believe I end up in these situations. I really missed new guy I cared for him he told me so many things and then he said he was telling me things he didnt tell others. But I feel like it was just his way with words. Despite the significant age gap of 16 years, we seemed to get on well like a duck in a pond.

It’s been a week but feels like a month

Leave a reply

Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.

It honestly feels like a month.

I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.

As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.

I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.

He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.

He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.

He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.

He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.

So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.

He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.

I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.

It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.

He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.

*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.

Good understanding

Leave a reply

I’ve always had a good understanding for understanding people. Except I’ve been told that I dont react in situations when I should react at least that what’s he tells me, he also tells me that his grandad is dying of cancer and I should see the urgency in that but I feel like there is nothing I can do and it is out of my control.

He thinks that means I dont care but I do. So it now feels like all his anger and emotion is penting up again and I could end up being his new emotional support cushion. Which isnt the best when I feel like I am still trying to deal with a great deal of things at the moment and he isnt really caring and he says he cant care because of his grandad and I feel like he could do both?

But I dont want to take him away from the situation just I feel like I am always on eggshells. If you feel like you cant be there for someone is that a bad thing?

There never seems to be any calm around here.

I’m annoyed because I had to re write this blog twice because my device decided to reload the screen and delete everything.

And im annoyed that I feel jammed and stuck in a nasty situation like I always am.

My plan has always been to hurry up and pass my degree and then piss off out away from this place. She told me it’s ok and it’s natural to feel this way but she never guided me the direction gave me the correct tools or information or instructions. It’s just something mentally for me that I am not very good at doing right now.

As soon as I was discharged from the mental health service I felt lost and I have been experiencing these bizzare flash backs all in random orders from random ages random events random meanings. And I dont understand what that means and my doctor said they shouldnt have just discharged me.