I was just minding my own, and then out of nowhere I was thrown into the deep end, yet again, sorry you haven’t heard from me. You must have been worried, and I am sorry for that, but I promise I am back now and I dont plan on leaving any time soon.
So I was always taught to follow and trust my heart. But then I end up in situations where my heart has done me no favors.
and I wish I could run with my heart now but I see no realistic situation.
I keep saying I will get this degree, I will get away, I will be with the kids, I will be strong. But then I feel like I’ve fallen 100 steps behind
And noone knows the truth because I cant tell them the ones i told before just vanished and left me behind. So called friends! think it’s simple to just walk away!
And i did … at one point
I fell in love I met someone who treated me like gold for awhile. He was there for me emotionally. Physically maybe not so much so. And he eventually spent less and less time with me. But he understood me we understood each other. We could have had a future and that sometimes throws me off that we was so close to picturing this future together that it felt so right then he took all that away. And left.
And it tumbled from there days and weeks and months I was shouted at about him. I felt punished not only by the man that left but the man who came between and continued to control me I suppose. He was an emotional wreck couldn’t believe I met someone else couldn’t believe that I would do such a thing.
So I asked if he wanted to try again because I needed his support I was broken more broken than before. I thought if he missed me cared so much he would be different.
But then he was shouting all the time bringing him up. I couldn’t get away so again I wrote a blog.
Because I didnt want that memory to become distorted. Filled with his hate and anger.
So im stuck because I have no option right now he helps with school run he helps with paying the fee for the nursery if I walk if I suggest a break again he will take all that away from me. Even the counsellor said I must do what I need to to survive and this doesnt seem that significant.
I mean its not much of a sacrifice. Just I feel alone, I feel isolated, I feel belittled, and theres someones arms at the other side of the road almost wide open. But it cant be him because he has a host of complex issues. But he is offering. I dont want a partner or a man to get me out of this I have to do my time get my degree and leave this city.
This is so hard.
He’s kind of attractive we like similar things yet he has a limited diet fussy dont like much food. Could be because hes autistic but that doesn’t bother me. Although he is 24 and still a virgin that doesnt bother me too. But it bothers me that he thinks I might be the one and I am not the one to take his virginity!
Wow I couldn’t that would be so terrible. I think in the long run we will be friends. We both write we both enjoy events and going out places . It’s nice to finally meet someone who enjoys my things too. Like he reads my stuff he has an interest and I’ve never really ever had that.
But I dont like that other he hates anyone I hang around with so I’m trying to keep him away I wouldnt want him getting hurt. Verbally more so. I’ve become a little bit protective over our friendship. I think he knows I like being with him and he hates that anyone else could make me happy.
It’s like with new guy last year . He did everything to break me and him up and he did I believe he was one of the drives to get him to leave me. That reminds me it’s been almost 5 months now since I have heard from new guy. I can most honestly say he is far off the radar now.
Still I cant believe I end up in these situations. I really missed new guy I cared for him he told me so many things and then he said he was telling me things he didnt tell others. But I feel like it was just his way with words. Despite the significant age gap of 16 years, we seemed to get on well like a duck in a pond.
Its been just over a week since I last spoke to you.
It honestly feels like a month.
I was worried he would get suspicious and find this so I stayed away for awhile.
As you know it was valentines day on friday and most people embrace and enjoy the day.
I dont, it’s just not my thing and I’ve been with partners that have just been so shit with me I’ve learnt to ignore it. Not only that a family member was murdered just after it so it feels wrong to be celebrating.
He got me a card with a picture of a comedian on it. It was also a *troll accounts profile picture but he said he forgot.
He made dinner I went out to buy clothes to make myself feel good but I still didnt.
He got a balloon but I was convinced it was for the children and Rose’s and a mug. I felt terrible that he bought me gifts when he has been so horrible to me in the past. And now his grandad is sick and potentially dying of cancer I feel scared to do anything incase he flips.
He wanted sex.because it was valentine’s but I fell asleep I had been at university all day so it just wasnt an option although I wanted to make effort I still felt like rubbish.
So I also went out that morning, to counselling. A new counsellor. My friend that said he thought I’d be undesirable because I have children said it would help me. And hes not made a comment like that since I think he was being sarcastic at the time but it didnt feel funny.
He travelled all his way to town to wait for me and then spent an hour after counselling with me. I may have accidentally made a remark in waterstones about them leading me on with my writing and I got a terrible look from the staff.
I told him that I felt being told to be kind to myself and also that hindsight is a beautiful thing was just phrases I didnt want to hear anymore it just makes me really angry and pissed off. She didnt give me a next appointment date. So I dont even know if I will have anymore sessions.
It really is such a terrible place to be for mental health around here. The services are so caught up in tick box scenarios that they never focus on the individuals needs.
He is nice to me but he had a mind like a 17 year old when hes a 24 year old man. Which is frustrating. I think about him a lot lately.
*troll account = someone was harassing me on the internet with a fake image.
Sometimes im still in denial.
I cant believe that someone who said they loved me would eventually hurt me physically or mentally.
Not once aswel but over and over and over and over and over and over.
The mind is a confusing loophole how I manage to go back or forgive someone is beyond me because I know the majority of people I have met have told me they would never forgive…
You’ve poked me prodded me in the face you’ve hit my belonging shouted stomped slammed doors youve cornered me from the children youve sworn at me called me names, you’ve trashed my home the walls, you’ve called me names blamed me for your hurt. You’ve followed me stalked me harassed me. You’ve shouted at me when I was crying you’ve laughed at me when was crying you’ve left me in agony in the bed on my own, you’ve ignored my medical problems and you left me to enter a hospital alone in an ambulance 4 days after giving birth. Left me abandoned alone suicidal. Controlled me.
I think I’ve been abused.
But sometimes I blame myself.
I’ve always had a good understanding for understanding people. Except I’ve been told that I dont react in situations when I should react at least that what’s he tells me, he also tells me that his grandad is dying of cancer and I should see the urgency in that but I feel like there is nothing I can do and it is out of my control.
He thinks that means I dont care but I do. So it now feels like all his anger and emotion is penting up again and I could end up being his new emotional support cushion. Which isnt the best when I feel like I am still trying to deal with a great deal of things at the moment and he isnt really caring and he says he cant care because of his grandad and I feel like he could do both?
But I dont want to take him away from the situation just I feel like I am always on eggshells. If you feel like you cant be there for someone is that a bad thing?
There never seems to be any calm around here.
I’m annoyed because I had to re write this blog twice because my device decided to reload the screen and delete everything.
And im annoyed that I feel jammed and stuck in a nasty situation like I always am.
My plan has always been to hurry up and pass my degree and then piss off out away from this place. She told me it’s ok and it’s natural to feel this way but she never guided me the direction gave me the correct tools or information or instructions. It’s just something mentally for me that I am not very good at doing right now.
As soon as I was discharged from the mental health service I felt lost and I have been experiencing these bizzare flash backs all in random orders from random ages random events random meanings. And I dont understand what that means and my doctor said they shouldnt have just discharged me.
It’s been a few weeks now since you signed me off your service and I still feel like I have a long way to go.
I told you I wasnt ready to leave I was in a panic. A state, bottling it up. My fears from being a child coming back and back and back.
I cant communicate because I have these things I can’t explain to anyone. Or i explain them and people appear uninterested.
so it’s been a few weeks and in a few more weeks I will be back with a new therapist.
I am not proud.
I’ve been told that 7 months is enough, that I should be ok now. Not to appear at counselling through my local authority unless I have a different reason to need to appear.
I’ve been given no tools. Just told that I’m not over this new guy thing and healing from it. But I never got to any of the parts about my dad, about my mum, about my teenage years.
I’m rejected. Spat out of the mental health system as an unfinished painting. I’m not ready not prepared not able to present myself for the art that I am.
I hope that’s the case.
i thought about you today, which is annoying.I thought that maybe it had been long enough time to start forgetting you. Seems I cant ever really get you off my mind. Maybe its because I hadn’t ever had anyone be so kind to me, please don’t look at me whilst i blush. Or maybe its because people I know are ignoring me on purpose and its starting to get to me.
I may come across as a really paranoid person but I really aren’t see if you got to know me and stuck around then you would see. things have changed around here and i wish i could show you. but i guess i wouldn’t have all this creativity if it wasn’t for you leaving me.
You remind me a little bit of my dad, a coward.
I made a huge mistake this weekend you must have blocked me on facebook because when i first had a look at whether I could message you or not. It said I wasnt allowed to reply to your message.
I made a huge error, I started this year on a note that I would not contact you, got really fucking drunk and then he brought you up and I remembered you all over again. I was so drunk I am so sorry. I sent a message saying have you blocked me? and also I have some cigs if you want them, I don’t want them. and then I freaked out and I blocked you. I didn’t think I could send messages so I was a little bit like for fuck sake what have I done and I carried on digging the hole.
The thing is since about October I have been sending the odd message, I have said sorry for writing a poem about you that apparently subsequently made you leave me. I have explained myself. I have been to you given you your shit , in the start of the end.
You read every single one didn’t you and you ignored them, and whilst you ignored them I had the whole wide world telling me that I am crazy that I should get the hint, then I read the other side of the whole wide world saying that if it is something worth fighting for then fight for it.
but there is nothing to fight for when you are talking to yourself. and now i have made the situation 10 times worse. I promise now that I have you (wordpress) to talk to that I will write in here instead then reach out to a fool that doesn’t give a fuck if I am suffering.
its not like I haven’t noticed that it can come across a little bit selfish of me to try to talk to you, i have no idea what might be happening in your life, and i have thought that maybe you will come to me when you are ready to talk but now i am starting to think that it doesn’t matter anymore because the way that i have been after the break up may have made you be even more weary of me.
…
my friend that i don’t really talk to now, wasn’t very kind or thoughtful about this situation see, she said that i shouldn’t say that i miss someone and then say that they hurt me and used me. and i really don’t agree you can love and hate and the same time, i have no idea to think otherwise, when the person i am in conflict with isn’t going to talk to me ever again. when all i can think that is is my fault that they may never ever talk to me. but i have no idea why. its a lot to carry on top of you, especially when you want to move forward and you want to make new friends.
i am stuck, making new friends should be fun but i am scared. he was such a great friend and he was so kind and normal with me and made me think and believe in the world when all of a sudden that false security went, he created a false sense of security from the get go.
he wanted a house with me after 2 weeks, he said that he knew that he loved me just after a week, he said that he wanted me and my family to fit into his car and he was happy to get a bigger car if he needed to, he wanted to take me abroad to see his family, where he grew up. he wanted me to meet his step kids, he wanted my advice he wanted me to cook and clean his clothes, he wanted me at home when he came back from work so he had someone to talk to, he wanted to watch meaningless TV with me then fuck, he was 16 years older and everyone was telling me how safe I was and how I would never be hurt by him, I was all set I was ready to trust.
I knew a huge deal of what he wanted, but when it boiled down when i sat him down after just 3 weeks, i said i want to know your intentions, is this serious ? would you really stick around for this long period of time that you are saying you will? are you sure you want to be with me? I wanted to hear his fight talk, I wanted to see his passion, I wanted to be put on the right track to a successful relationship. All he gave me was that he thought that I was too anxious that I was too worried. But then another 3/4 weeks later he was gone.
So to be insulted and to be essentially be called stupid killed me, when after all my head sorting, he got up and left.
He called me his exs name after a night of almost arguments, he had been staying for a fair few days in a row. He had been going out almost every weekend, and doing the hobbies he liked. We was in a delicate phrase of the relationship, I needed his support, I needed his comfort, and he could not be there for me when I needed him. But I knew that I could forgive him for that, yet I couldn’t that instantly, because he called me his ex’s name, and then I got into the shower and I just cried my eyes out. I knew that something so terrible was on its way. the night before was strange i felt really unwell and not really up to eating and he wasn’t eating very well too… he was starting to complain but my energy had burnt out I just said get some soup or something, and it was awful, he was then prepared to sleep on the sofa but i didn’t want that, I mean he had a flat 5 mins away he could have just gone home.
I never wanted to fall out with this guy, I wanted to be in his life and I equally wanted him in mine, and I didn’t think that a woman in her mid 20’s could feel such intense heart break, almost as painful as the first.
He didn’t abuse me we didn’t have an argument, so I cant understand where I am. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to fight for me, when he said he loved me….
my mum always used to say when i was growing up that i fall for people way to easily and im afraid to admit that she was right. mums are always right, mostly.
the thing is it breaks my heart that because im young and im a mum that that is an unattractive thing to be. just tonight whilst being with someone i recently met, a male friend, he said that his mum doesnt need to worry because i have 3 children.
so basically that means that im not good enough quality, im used, ive had kids, ive been with men, im not a good person because of these factors.
i hate it
i carry it around with me all the time this feeling that i am not enough because i have kids and the media uses it against me and my family remind me of my failings and my friends dont see how sad i am and alone sometimes.
the thing is this new friend its a strange one, i am not in a situation to fall and i don’t want to fall. this lad yeah he is the same age as me pretty successful but he has about as much confidence as the sole on my shoe.
i need someone who is strong and able to be there for me mentally, or no one at all. it is easier to repair your own mistakes then it is two peoples. i feel like he probably flirts with all women, he tells me that he is rejected often and i have had my fair share of rejection. i am not in a good place so this would not be a good time for anyone new right now.
oh but he makes me smile he makes me laugh again and i wish that i could put these feelings aside and control them, something my councilor said was that you cannot control your feelings, so i keep telling myself its ok to like him a little bit, but realistically nothing would work. but then i find myself thinking but he is this he is that.
like he acts like he cares he acts like he knows me we have only been talking a few weeks, i am wary that when you meet someone it always feels great at the start, and it kills me that there will be a downside to this feeling. the what ifs are powerful and the maybes are interesting. I cant help it if i am a bit weird …
this is another question i asked myself so many times, the first time when the first man would curl up his fist and smack it into the wall right above my head. so hard that the canvas on the wall fell off, i remember telling the domestic abuse charity this event a year later when i was trying to escape. and writing it down for the first time ever 8 years later makes me see how scary that must have been for a 17 year old who had just given birth…
i sometimes refer to myself as another person and another character and this isnt on purpose this is because i cant act like its me because if i do i cant move on.
they didn’t help me get out of danger they put me back into the danger. and this is why i cant really have a word press or a safe space to blog because the people that know me and the media attention that i am currently getting, see its just that it would not be a good time for me to share this with them, and i trust you i can talk to you. A little bit like my counsellor you wont judge me ,you wont look down on me ,you wont get mad at me ,you wont block me, you wont hurt me.
you think that there is freedom of speech that there is safe places to go to talk, there just isn’t anymore, even the buses have recording devices on their buses. your phone has a gps flashes up when you’ve been inside a cafe just to leave a review. no where is safe no where. and when you have children you always have to be aware of what you say or they will send people to you. there is a lot of fear here, mum’s fear things and they don’t speak up about it. no one wants a social worker being nosey. they cant give you money or give you food they can only protect the children, really that’s the hard thing they have to go by the rules of the system. my mum always says that back when i was a child, social workers could take mum’s out the house could do more to help people, even call the benefits people up on their behalf. they aren’t even allowed to do that anymore, the gov takes help and those who used to defend people are taken away.
Miss Anon Writer 