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The last supper

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It was this time last year and I had been introduced to you, and this point we also had a meal at that friends house that introduced us. I didn’t think this time this year I would be returning alone, and as her boyfriend came in a greeted her from work, it made me think we could have had a similar fate. My jealous stomach was retching every time I saw them kiss.

They had no care that I was the guest and as I sat there listening to their mini discussions and smooching. Insensitive to how I must have felt, and the elephant in the room that being your name not mentioned.

I keep thinking if I hold back long enough maybe one day you may message me, but I think that after almost 9 months that wont happen, I keep hoping that any spark of my memory will make you want to talk to me again, but then I also believe that maybe you never loved me and that it was just fun for you. I still cant forget your genuine reasoning’s for saying that you loved me. And that time we laid in bed and you came over to me and kissed me and moved my hair and looked at my ears and said I cant believe that your ears are perfect to. You would look at me like you was in love so I could never understand the treatment you gave me after you left. Which led to the confusion that I now have.

July 2019

I managed to get a baby sitter for us to go to my friends house, she was asking me what food you liked as you said you didn’t like sweet things, we sat around the table you was sat opposite me and you kept looking up to me.

It was nice, we was all drinking and relaxing having the occasional cig in the yard. Then we went into the living room and you and your friend who was dating my friend and is still with her put music on the TV. Obviously with the 16 year age gap I didn’t know all the songs.

It got late and I was tired, it had been a long week with the kids again. You promised you would walk me home, and I didn’t want you to walk home all alone by yourself. I cant remember if you got a taxi or not and I cant remember the walk home. You seemed nice enough to me though we hadn’t kissed at this point I dont think.

and that was the last supper I suppose that I can remember.

Nothing else really mattered

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I did the part I put on a show and I didn’t really feel like it made too much of a difference. I spent 3 months building up to it, I missed important deadlines, I missed opportunities with people and it just felt as though it didn’t pay off.

the darkest day went, and we managed to somehow get over it, but there is something about an angry face that really does stay engraved into my memory, it hurts me it haunts me and it makes me feel like I have done something terrible, when I really dont think I have.

I hide from peoples anger because I have been abused I know what people can get like I know the furthest they could go if they wanted to. I have never been around a guy who can control his anger or his emotions, and turns out even though he should know so much better that he really doesnt. It was ok in the end he apologised and I didnt really know what else to say.

People arent always holding up so well they show that they are but a lot of the time they are cracking up, I have noticed the longer you live on your own the harder it can be you are always functioning and talking and thinking. When there is no one else there to talk to then it just feels like you are isolated and alone. There is nothing worse some days going to bed and laying alone with no one to share it with. I like sharing things I like being around people most the time.

Does this pandemic further make us more apart as humans, will technology drive us further and further away?

I have always wanted someone in my life that can be strong influence on me, someone who can get me and I wouldn’t need to or have to explain why. A guide not a judge someone who cares enough to make sure that you get home safe not shout at you because you wanted to go home.

For people in the end I think it always boils down to safety, if you’re insecure anyway it is even harder to allow yourself to feel safe when you are letting your guard down. I have my guard up all the time and it is the worst, but I have been hurt so many times now, I can not risk another trauma.

I love this man and it pains me that there are so many things so many things I cant do just now and wont do just now im not prepared to.

I dont even know what im saying anymore, I am so tired, so fed up. I have my couselling session tomorrow so lets see how that goes.

For now, thanks for coming back and reading, do you really think that everyone has their purpose in life?

I do.

Few weeks…

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It’s been a few weeks now since you signed me off your service and I still feel like I have a long way to go.

I told you I wasnt ready to leave I was in a panic. A state, bottling it up. My fears from being a child coming back and back and back.

I cant communicate because I have these things I can’t explain to anyone. Or i explain them and people appear uninterested.

so it’s been a few weeks and in a few more weeks I will be back with a new therapist.

I am not proud.

I’ve been told that 7 months is enough, that I should be ok now. Not to appear at counselling through my local authority unless I have a different reason to need to appear.

I’ve been given no tools. Just told that I’m not over this new guy thing and healing from it. But I never got to any of the parts about my dad, about my mum, about my teenage years.

I’m rejected. Spat out of the mental health system as an unfinished painting. I’m not ready not prepared not able to present myself for the art that I am.

I hope that’s the case.

i thought about you today

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i thought about you today, which is annoying.I thought that maybe it had been long enough time to start forgetting you. Seems I cant ever really get you off my mind. Maybe its because I hadn’t ever had anyone be so kind to me, please don’t look at me whilst i blush. Or maybe its because people I know are ignoring me on purpose and its starting to get to me.

I may come across as a really paranoid person but I really aren’t see if you got to know me and stuck around then you would see. things have changed around here and i wish i could show you. but i guess i wouldn’t have all this creativity if it wasn’t for you leaving me.

You remind me a little bit of my dad, a coward.

I made a huge mistake this weekend you must have blocked me on facebook because when i first had a look at whether I could message you or not. It said I wasnt allowed to reply to your message.

I made a huge error, I started this year on a note that I would not contact you, got really fucking drunk and then he brought you up and I remembered you all over again. I was so drunk I am so sorry. I sent a message saying have you blocked me? and also I have some cigs if you want them, I don’t want them. and then I freaked out and I blocked you. I didn’t think I could send messages so I was a little bit like for fuck sake what have I done and I carried on digging the hole.

The thing is since about October I have been sending the odd message, I have said sorry for writing a poem about you that apparently subsequently made you leave me. I have explained myself. I have been to you given you your shit , in the start of the end.

You read every single one didn’t you and you ignored them, and whilst you ignored them I had the whole wide world telling me that I am crazy that I should get the hint, then I read the other side of the whole wide world saying that if it is something worth fighting for then fight for it.

but there is nothing to fight for when you are talking to yourself. and now i have made the situation 10 times worse. I promise now that I have you (wordpress) to talk to that I will write in here instead then reach out to a fool that doesn’t give a fuck if I am suffering.

its not like I haven’t noticed that it can come across a little bit selfish of me to try to talk to you, i have no idea what might be happening in your life, and i have thought that maybe you will come to me when you are ready to talk but now i am starting to think that it doesn’t matter anymore because the way that i have been after the break up may have made you be even more weary of me.

…

my friend that i don’t really talk to now, wasn’t very kind or thoughtful about this situation see, she said that i shouldn’t say that i miss someone and then say that they hurt me and used me. and i really don’t agree you can love and hate and the same time, i have no idea to think otherwise, when the person i am in conflict with isn’t going to talk to me ever again. when all i can think that is is my fault that they may never ever talk to me. but i have no idea why. its a lot to carry on top of you, especially when you want to move forward and you want to make new friends.

i am stuck, making new friends should be fun but i am scared. he was such a great friend and he was so kind and normal with me and made me think and believe in the world when all of a sudden that false security went, he created a false sense of security from the get go.

he wanted a house with me after 2 weeks, he said that he knew that he loved me just after a week, he said that he wanted me and my family to fit into his car and he was happy to get a bigger car if he needed to, he wanted to take me abroad to see his family, where he grew up. he wanted me to meet his step kids, he wanted my advice he wanted me to cook and clean his clothes, he wanted me at home when he came back from work so he had someone to talk to, he wanted to watch meaningless TV with me then fuck, he was 16 years older and everyone was telling me how safe I was and how I would never be hurt by him, I was all set I was ready to trust.

I knew a huge deal of what he wanted, but when it boiled down when i sat him down after just 3 weeks, i said i want to know your intentions, is this serious ? would you really stick around for this long period of time that you are saying you will? are you sure you want to be with me? I wanted to hear his fight talk, I wanted to see his passion, I wanted to be put on the right track to a successful relationship. All he gave me was that he thought that I was too anxious that I was too worried. But then another 3/4 weeks later he was gone.

So to be insulted and to be essentially be called stupid killed me, when after all my head sorting, he got up and left.

He called me his exs name after a night of almost arguments, he had been staying for a fair few days in a row. He had been going out almost every weekend, and doing the hobbies he liked. We was in a delicate phrase of the relationship, I needed his support, I needed his comfort, and he could not be there for me when I needed him. But I knew that I could forgive him for that, yet I couldn’t that instantly, because he called me his ex’s name, and then I got into the shower and I just cried my eyes out. I knew that something so terrible was on its way. the night before was strange i felt really unwell and not really up to eating and he wasn’t eating very well too… he was starting to complain but my energy had burnt out I just said get some soup or something, and it was awful, he was then prepared to sleep on the sofa but i didn’t want that, I mean he had a flat 5 mins away he could have just gone home.

I never wanted to fall out with this guy, I wanted to be in his life and I equally wanted him in mine, and I didn’t think that a woman in her mid 20’s could feel such intense heart break, almost as painful as the first.

He didn’t abuse me we didn’t have an argument, so I cant understand where I am. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to fight for me, when he said he loved me….

its not like i intend to be weird

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my mum always used to say when i was growing up that i fall for people way to easily and im afraid to admit that she was right. mums are always right, mostly.

the thing is it breaks my heart that because im young and im a mum that that is an unattractive thing to be. just tonight whilst being with someone i recently met, a male friend, he said that his mum doesnt need to worry because i have 3 children.

so basically that means that im not good enough quality, im used, ive had kids, ive been with men, im not a good person because of these factors.

i hate it

i carry it around with me all the time this feeling that i am not enough because i have kids and the media uses it against me and my family remind me of my failings and my friends dont see how sad i am and alone sometimes.

the thing is this new friend its a strange one, i am not in a situation to fall and i don’t want to fall. this lad yeah he is the same age as me pretty successful but he has about as much confidence as the sole on my shoe.

i need someone who is strong and able to be there for me mentally, or no one at all. it is easier to repair your own mistakes then it is two peoples. i feel like he probably flirts with all women, he tells me that he is rejected often and i have had my fair share of rejection. i am not in a good place so this would not be a good time for anyone new right now.

oh but he makes me smile he makes me laugh again and i wish that i could put these feelings aside and control them, something my councilor said was that you cannot control your feelings, so i keep telling myself its ok to like him a little bit, but realistically nothing would work. but then i find myself thinking but he is this he is that.

like he acts like he cares he acts like he knows me we have only been talking a few weeks, i am wary that when you meet someone it always feels great at the start, and it kills me that there will be a downside to this feeling. the what ifs are powerful and the maybes are interesting. I cant help it if i am a bit weird …

Sunday

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there sometimes feel like there is a lot of pressure you know, to be everyone’s friend, when sometimes you don’t want to do anything at all, and sometimes peoples attitudes are hurtful but i can never be strong enough to tell that person that they have been wrong or out of order.

no one could help me out of heartbreak and i think that has been one of life’s greatest lessons, no one night stand no alcohol binge night out no tinder account not even a girls night out, something i have been avoiding for awhile because i don’t want to go out and talk about it. It will only become gossip and hearsay.

she thought that a man would make me happy and i knew that a man would not make me happy, a man made me annoyed and fed up and a man made me feel trapped and all the other men before the man where just terrible terrible experiences.

it was a temporary fix to a huge problem that i was going though i was going through a lot and unfortunate the people that i knew where not understanding not caring too busy wanting drama and gossip than to actually be a good friend, and thats ok sometimes that happends.

there have been times in my life where i never thought that i would ever ever have any friends i thought that it was bad karma for things that had happend at school or maybe even when i met a group of people before college, same time i met the guy outside the church. my irrational thinking has sometimes caused problems but it actually has saved my life a few times. i am 25 and it has taken me this long to learn to trust myself.