Category Archives: dear diary

He was lying

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Turns out my other ex knows how to play games also, the other week I was just laying it out there saying would he ever get married? and would he meet someone? and asking about his work.

I know that when we was together he would flirt with people from work and then lie about it when he got home, he would always have secret girls on his phone and if I caught it or saw it then I would normally ask. (most people have ago at me at this point asking why I would look or how I would see)

Well when you have children I occasionally would ask to use his camera, I was a huge camera fan at the time and he broke one of my phones to the point where the lenses didn’t work anymore. Also being in a committed relationship I assumed there would be nothing to hide.

He would open up snapchat and talk to the girl out of Hull and talk about secretly meeting her, he would say that he liked her when they first started talking and that they had a good bond. All the usual bullshit,

Thing is this guy seemed smart, he would tell me things I would like to hear and this is the issue when I just threw it out there last week, he was a bit weird about it. Granted was probably weird that I asked but I was just curious as he has always been a great liar and he manipulates me in many ways I can never know what is real or what is false, also I wanted to see what his intentions where. After months and months of him saying he wouldn’t ever be or get with anyone else and that he was desperate to be with me if that was all just a game or he was being genuine.

Why did I end it anyway?

He wasn’t ever affectionate with me, he would lie about things, he was controlling, he wouldn’t stay in my house he would say he hated my home, which was a huge one and it meant I would have to stay at his mums as he lives with his mum. I wasn’t happy about this because every time I went he would be playing games until the AM and would have the TV on. This would be one of the things that hurt me the most because it would have been a great time as a couple to settle down and go to sleep. It was hard to maintain a relationship and be at uni and I feel very bad now that I didn’t do more, like when he would take me to uni he would want to kiss and I never kissed him. But at the same time , I just felt it wasn’t ever enough, he wouldn’t get a job, also I was scared that that people would see me in a relationship and make lies up to the government. I had to claim and live alone because he wouldn’t get a job.

I felt bad because I wanted a unit I didn’t want to live separate lives and him be at his mothers, but he was unwilling to help pay for bills or help maintain the home. I also had fallen into a pocket of writing, so I would write and write and leave notebooks around the house about past things and that guy from last year and he would invade my space and read them and over look into it.

Maybe I was the heartless one, maybe I could have done more. But I was too angry at the abuse he gave me when I was pregnant the refusals to help me when I was in pain and then me having to get emergency surgery because he didn’t want to listen to me. After almost dying I thought that all he would want was to be close to me, to make sure that I am ok, make sure I didn’t get hurt again, care about me, be a partner, I expected to come home after surgery and be held and looked after especially after only just given birth 4 weeks prior.

Thats the worst, going home after horrific week in hospital and basically becoming a housebound child minder whilst he played video games I laid in agony breastfeeding a baby on the bed.

He couldnt look at me he wouldnt lay with me he treated me like I wasnt in the house, he didnt even make the effort to talk to me and make sure that I was ok. He wouldnt get the food shopping even though they told him I was not to lift heavy shopping after having surgery for 6 weeks, he was told to claim benefits and care for me for at least 2 months, and his family would blame me and say that I was doing it on purpose, when the fact was I nearly died.

He didn’t stick up for me, he didn’t talk to me, and he refused to spend time with me, so I wandered away and I met someone else and he left me so I thought I would give us a second try. But that didn’t work too, he became possessive and aggressive, I tried to love him but I couldn’t knowing that all that time ago he didn’t love me at my weakest.

I also think that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been there for him ran him baths made him food cleaned the house, got him back into the world and helped him socialise. He let me rot and let me get worse and deteriorate as his family would call up the phone and bully me.

I had to have a nurse come and see me weekly to make sure that I was ok because all he would do was play video games, and I am talking about a mid 20s man not a teenager.

So why do I feel bad now?

Few weeks ago he was going on about how I was his first love that he will always love me, and I went back to 5 years ago and I remember how he was when I first met him he was kind and quite and shy. Then he became this monster, and I can never know what he is if he is real or fake or a liar. And this is why I have come to the thought that he is a liar and he was lying a few weeks ago because if it was true , I wouldn’t be feeling so sad and unhappy, people who love each other dont try to make you feel sad or unhappy.

Im sure.

Even now that we are not together he manages to control my weeks with childcare, he doesn’t stay consistent and his mum is in control of taking and having the children who is able to go and who isnt. I am sure he spends most his week on games and flirting with women on the internet. I cant wait till the days I no longer give a shit.

The last supper

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It was this time last year and I had been introduced to you, and this point we also had a meal at that friends house that introduced us. I didn’t think this time this year I would be returning alone, and as her boyfriend came in a greeted her from work, it made me think we could have had a similar fate. My jealous stomach was retching every time I saw them kiss.

They had no care that I was the guest and as I sat there listening to their mini discussions and smooching. Insensitive to how I must have felt, and the elephant in the room that being your name not mentioned.

I keep thinking if I hold back long enough maybe one day you may message me, but I think that after almost 9 months that wont happen, I keep hoping that any spark of my memory will make you want to talk to me again, but then I also believe that maybe you never loved me and that it was just fun for you. I still cant forget your genuine reasoning’s for saying that you loved me. And that time we laid in bed and you came over to me and kissed me and moved my hair and looked at my ears and said I cant believe that your ears are perfect to. You would look at me like you was in love so I could never understand the treatment you gave me after you left. Which led to the confusion that I now have.

July 2019

I managed to get a baby sitter for us to go to my friends house, she was asking me what food you liked as you said you didn’t like sweet things, we sat around the table you was sat opposite me and you kept looking up to me.

It was nice, we was all drinking and relaxing having the occasional cig in the yard. Then we went into the living room and you and your friend who was dating my friend and is still with her put music on the TV. Obviously with the 16 year age gap I didn’t know all the songs.

It got late and I was tired, it had been a long week with the kids again. You promised you would walk me home, and I didn’t want you to walk home all alone by yourself. I cant remember if you got a taxi or not and I cant remember the walk home. You seemed nice enough to me though we hadn’t kissed at this point I dont think.

and that was the last supper I suppose that I can remember.

His kiss was smooth

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On this occasion we had been talking a long time, a very long time. I have so many memories of this person before we ever started to talk, and that is what makes it almost the perfect love story, something I have always wanted to progress my writing into, I have always wanted to write the most raw and intelligent and amazing love story, since my love of Romeo and Juliet at secondary school. It gives me shivers just thinking about it, its one of the best stories I have ever read.

The dramatic sacrifices and the dramatic arguments the disapproval and the tragic ending.

Something people could maybe get at the time in which it was written.

Now I have had many relationships many you will read and hear about and they maybe all in a mumble but I hope to return to this blog one day and use the material I have written and make it into a book. A story not just some shit that I’ve shoved into a pamphlet.

This is my dedicated space where I am free and I can talk to you in confidence I am at no risk of harm or exposure the fan base I have I can leave behind in the other writings I have done. Here I can be free and I can talk and say what I need to say.

So he had the softest kiss, and I wasn’t ready to kiss but I kind of was too. I get this amazing loving feeling when we hug as well which is just so nice, although at the moment we dont tend to hug. He is very much set in some of his ways but surprisingly he is happy to accept change of mind a lot which a lot of people don’t.

I have so many things to write about and share I am excited.

Notice

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Truth is no matter how hard I try , I feel as if no one would notice me. I could dress up and look all nice and proper but there would always be another girl in the room that makes no effort and is just naturally stunning, inside and out. And she has no issues she has no past trauma shes probably not shy about giving blow jobs or hand jobs for that matter and she probably takes everything in her stride.

Obviously if I said that out loud people would think that I was being sh-rude.

Every thing is drama everyone is always up in everyone’s face in this city, it doesn’t matter if you are a Charity worker, or work in a vets you have to be the best and the only. Your vets would be the best one in town no one else, everyone is competitive, liars and fake. Even the hairdressers are fake, do you really think that she cares about your life stories? She forgot your newborns name in 5 seconds.

Worst of all people judge in this town, what you do , where you go , who you talk to. Its depressing, its stressful and its lonely. Being noticed is hard getting published is near enough impossible. I am desperate now, I have so many stories and ideas in my head it makes me proud to be an almost well known famous author….OK im not but maybe one day.

He said out of town shows pay off more people respect you more and want to see you they also want to pay for you to do an act. Why I dont think that he is that known I dont know, or maybe it doesn’t bother me, at least I know it is still safe here writing to you and I can keep telling you about all the secrets and the gossip.

I wont be noticed ever, I wont be noticed for my love of confessional writing or diary style writing, my secret love for drama and movies and made up stories. I will only ever be notices for mistakes, no one remembers my name and no one cares.

Nothing else really mattered

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I did the part I put on a show and I didn’t really feel like it made too much of a difference. I spent 3 months building up to it, I missed important deadlines, I missed opportunities with people and it just felt as though it didn’t pay off.

the darkest day went, and we managed to somehow get over it, but there is something about an angry face that really does stay engraved into my memory, it hurts me it haunts me and it makes me feel like I have done something terrible, when I really dont think I have.

I hide from peoples anger because I have been abused I know what people can get like I know the furthest they could go if they wanted to. I have never been around a guy who can control his anger or his emotions, and turns out even though he should know so much better that he really doesnt. It was ok in the end he apologised and I didnt really know what else to say.

People arent always holding up so well they show that they are but a lot of the time they are cracking up, I have noticed the longer you live on your own the harder it can be you are always functioning and talking and thinking. When there is no one else there to talk to then it just feels like you are isolated and alone. There is nothing worse some days going to bed and laying alone with no one to share it with. I like sharing things I like being around people most the time.

Does this pandemic further make us more apart as humans, will technology drive us further and further away?

I have always wanted someone in my life that can be strong influence on me, someone who can get me and I wouldn’t need to or have to explain why. A guide not a judge someone who cares enough to make sure that you get home safe not shout at you because you wanted to go home.

For people in the end I think it always boils down to safety, if you’re insecure anyway it is even harder to allow yourself to feel safe when you are letting your guard down. I have my guard up all the time and it is the worst, but I have been hurt so many times now, I can not risk another trauma.

I love this man and it pains me that there are so many things so many things I cant do just now and wont do just now im not prepared to.

I dont even know what im saying anymore, I am so tired, so fed up. I have my couselling session tomorrow so lets see how that goes.

For now, thanks for coming back and reading, do you really think that everyone has their purpose in life?

I do.

Darkest day

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This probably has to be one of the darkest days, I have never been out on a night out and been told how cold I am. I’m not one to withhold affection and I really did / do care about him. He knows im not ready for anything physical. He was over the drinking limit and I said to him to just walk home which he said he would do. I think he was hoping to stay at mine but I am not ready to share a bed.

I really feel torn, I followed him home at 1am because I was worried with his drink driving home. I fell asleep on his sofa and left at 5am because I couldnt sleep and this made him really angry.

Why do things like this keep happening?