So, I have come to a place where I feel in the middle, I am nor happy or sad today however having been able to purge my thoughts out to you in the last few days I feel like I am starting to feel a little warmer.

In fact the whole idea of dating or being with someone again really does put me off. I do think about how all the men in my life have treated me up till now and if men are even really worth the effort.

I wont die without sex for a few years I will managed without having someone to love as I will always have the children to love, it would be nice to meet someone one day that will love and respect me all the same. But seriously I dont think that time will come for a long time, and I am sick of meeting sad desperate people who are really just after sex its horrible feeling. Especially when these people have not got their own shit together and cant be bothered to look after themselves. I am also talking body image, these men cant be bothered to brush their hair or clean their teeth or change their clothes yet they want me to jump all over them and give in.

No one makes the effort anymore people just think that you should do what ever they want if they give you a little something or make a little effort. Next time I dont want that I want effort at all times not just when they feel like it because they might get some sex, or they have managed to get me drunk enough so that I dont give a damn. I have become a boring stubborn woman. But I have to be, I have children now and no man is good enough unless they are able to care for themselves and have a fucking back bone, I cant deal with more people who have mummy issues and are unable to wipe their own arses in their late 20s.

I am pretty sure I will be absolutely OK, it does feel a shame when I see all young women my age in their 20s with gorgeous boyfriends that treat them and take them away and get nice selfies together and family portraits. Its even more annoying that they are starting to buy houses and new cars, I cant even drive yet!

But I am nearly through a law degree which a lot of people I know dont have so I really need to stop looking the other way and focus more on myself. Its the hardest thing to do in life focus on your own goals whilst everyone else seems to be so far in front and put together in their lives. Also some people are only just having their first born, I have done that so long ago now.

So where I am right now is a muddle. I have a slightly older man whos double my age talking to me, he also runs a group I joined a year ago. I also have baby daddy hanging around because he collects our daughter weekly. It has become too much of a muddle that I feel I can no longer involve myself with this older man, he has started to ask for more like he says he wants sex and he wants me to kiss him, I am not ready for a physical relationship and I have things I need to do for myself before I do enter into one.

He does not appreciate this thought and a fair few times he has now lashed out at me, he gets angry about Facebook statuses I write. Look I am a writer I like expressing my feelings on social media, who doesn’t?

He also had ago at me this week and said that I am too obsessed with my exs, I have had 2 relationships in one year that is a lot to deal with especially one that had lasted almost 5 years.

So I come over here on to my secret blog that no one has a clue about and I feel free I can write about what I like and not feel scared about someones reaction, not feel like I am doing something wrong, I am able to be myself and tell you about the things I have been through and learn with you about the way in which relationships start last and end.

You are a voiceless audience you dont have any ill judgement of me you dont know where I live or who I am. You are kind and listeners and that is all I have ever wanted in my life people who listen and care and reach out to one another not have ago or tell me what I should and should not being doing.

I want this to be true and honest writing and feelings and thoughts about things and people that I probably yeah wouldnt always say to the people but I damn well think it, as does anyone we all have people in our lives we cant stand but still love them to death.

And that is the issue this man I have been talking to I mean I know I have feelings for him and I would like to think if he needed to talk he would, I would stay and remain his friend, but the thing is he told me he never wants to be just friends and he will always want more, I mean I have only known him a year and he is very forward he seems to know what he wants. But I suppose I have to be more tough and care more about what I want and right now I do not want a relationship no matter how alone I feel. Because waiting and working and being who I am and working my self out first is what matters.

Not only this we are still in the middle of a public health crisis, there is no greater time then to take care of yourself and your family more, men can wait, relationships can wait right now I need this time for me to heal the mental scars and stress I have gone through over the last 9 years.