even back then, 7 years ago, I would have never imagined my self where I am now. I feel like a prisoner in my mind, if I express how I feel it could cause problems for me. Big problems.

See I already tried to leave him last year , and as soon as the new guy broke it off with me and broke my heart. I thought taking him back would be safe. I was in a terrible place, I thought he was being genuine and maybe part of him was being. But soon after the new guy left he was bringing up his name constantly, “no wonder he left you, no wonder noone stays with you, no wonder your alone”.

You get the point, and this just caused me to fall into a trap of mental torture. Crying and crying unable to eat. I went back didnt I and my reasoning ?

He is my youngest, father, maybe I do love him maybe he loves me.

But the problem is he hasnt been the kindest to me 4 years, I met him around the same time I met Zac. The issue is I cant really get out of it. I try and then he says or does something that makes me feel uneasy. Scared worried. I suppose I will explain more as the story progresses but for now I am the same cycle.

Loud words, anger tantrums, car swerving , knife holding, furniture smashing cycle. Even if it’s not esculated to that point yet, there is always a fear that it will. The could bes and would bes.

Most of my friends cut off too so I am in pure isolation.

See, I thought I had friends I could rely on. But they let me go and walk away. The new guy too, even after months of ressuring and building me up. They walk away. I still cant get my head around it.