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He was lying

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Turns out my other ex knows how to play games also, the other week I was just laying it out there saying would he ever get married? and would he meet someone? and asking about his work.

I know that when we was together he would flirt with people from work and then lie about it when he got home, he would always have secret girls on his phone and if I caught it or saw it then I would normally ask. (most people have ago at me at this point asking why I would look or how I would see)

Well when you have children I occasionally would ask to use his camera, I was a huge camera fan at the time and he broke one of my phones to the point where the lenses didn’t work anymore. Also being in a committed relationship I assumed there would be nothing to hide.

He would open up snapchat and talk to the girl out of Hull and talk about secretly meeting her, he would say that he liked her when they first started talking and that they had a good bond. All the usual bullshit,

Thing is this guy seemed smart, he would tell me things I would like to hear and this is the issue when I just threw it out there last week, he was a bit weird about it. Granted was probably weird that I asked but I was just curious as he has always been a great liar and he manipulates me in many ways I can never know what is real or what is false, also I wanted to see what his intentions where. After months and months of him saying he wouldn’t ever be or get with anyone else and that he was desperate to be with me if that was all just a game or he was being genuine.

Why did I end it anyway?

He wasn’t ever affectionate with me, he would lie about things, he was controlling, he wouldn’t stay in my house he would say he hated my home, which was a huge one and it meant I would have to stay at his mums as he lives with his mum. I wasn’t happy about this because every time I went he would be playing games until the AM and would have the TV on. This would be one of the things that hurt me the most because it would have been a great time as a couple to settle down and go to sleep. It was hard to maintain a relationship and be at uni and I feel very bad now that I didn’t do more, like when he would take me to uni he would want to kiss and I never kissed him. But at the same time , I just felt it wasn’t ever enough, he wouldn’t get a job, also I was scared that that people would see me in a relationship and make lies up to the government. I had to claim and live alone because he wouldn’t get a job.

I felt bad because I wanted a unit I didn’t want to live separate lives and him be at his mothers, but he was unwilling to help pay for bills or help maintain the home. I also had fallen into a pocket of writing, so I would write and write and leave notebooks around the house about past things and that guy from last year and he would invade my space and read them and over look into it.

Maybe I was the heartless one, maybe I could have done more. But I was too angry at the abuse he gave me when I was pregnant the refusals to help me when I was in pain and then me having to get emergency surgery because he didn’t want to listen to me. After almost dying I thought that all he would want was to be close to me, to make sure that I am ok, make sure I didn’t get hurt again, care about me, be a partner, I expected to come home after surgery and be held and looked after especially after only just given birth 4 weeks prior.

Thats the worst, going home after horrific week in hospital and basically becoming a housebound child minder whilst he played video games I laid in agony breastfeeding a baby on the bed.

He couldnt look at me he wouldnt lay with me he treated me like I wasnt in the house, he didnt even make the effort to talk to me and make sure that I was ok. He wouldnt get the food shopping even though they told him I was not to lift heavy shopping after having surgery for 6 weeks, he was told to claim benefits and care for me for at least 2 months, and his family would blame me and say that I was doing it on purpose, when the fact was I nearly died.

He didn’t stick up for me, he didn’t talk to me, and he refused to spend time with me, so I wandered away and I met someone else and he left me so I thought I would give us a second try. But that didn’t work too, he became possessive and aggressive, I tried to love him but I couldn’t knowing that all that time ago he didn’t love me at my weakest.

I also think that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been there for him ran him baths made him food cleaned the house, got him back into the world and helped him socialise. He let me rot and let me get worse and deteriorate as his family would call up the phone and bully me.

I had to have a nurse come and see me weekly to make sure that I was ok because all he would do was play video games, and I am talking about a mid 20s man not a teenager.

So why do I feel bad now?

Few weeks ago he was going on about how I was his first love that he will always love me, and I went back to 5 years ago and I remember how he was when I first met him he was kind and quite and shy. Then he became this monster, and I can never know what he is if he is real or fake or a liar. And this is why I have come to the thought that he is a liar and he was lying a few weeks ago because if it was true , I wouldn’t be feeling so sad and unhappy, people who love each other dont try to make you feel sad or unhappy.

Im sure.

Even now that we are not together he manages to control my weeks with childcare, he doesn’t stay consistent and his mum is in control of taking and having the children who is able to go and who isnt. I am sure he spends most his week on games and flirting with women on the internet. I cant wait till the days I no longer give a shit.

Chapter 1 … Jelly

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And thats when I wanted to kill myself, yeah. That was the end that was all I could think about and the only thing that took over my life, constant anxiety , why this why that how come. Or as he would call it, self pitying feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe, maybe not.

Look im a 25 year old woman and only recently in the last year I have noticed since I stopped breast feeding that I sweat more than normal, my pubic hair grows back within hours and I now have more UTIS than my Nana. Its depressing my tits sag I live in Primark leggings and now I have gone back to remaining inside the house and not for anxiety reasons, well not solely. I mean its been since March since the lock down began and now we are slowly lifting restrictions, I dont see how wearing a face mask is a normal life but I guess this will be our normal life. And now I am having this thought, that I should just end it right he right now.

Quite frankly I am sick of the world I am sick of my community, I am sick of politics sick of worrying about everything and anything all day all night and now even in my dreams.

Why?

I suppose it all started last year when I fell in love with a man who I have spoken about far too many times now but I just love telling the story. All the little glimmers of hope in that relationship reminded me that not all men are evil and complete tossers. But at the same time I think I realised how much of a pretentious bitch I can be and that really was a shame because I blame myself. A lot.

I did the worst thing possible and that was not writing about things, and mainly because I may have met another man this year and he really doesn’t like reading or seeing what I write. So I have this secret account you are now reading from (feel honoured) and well the guy who is baby daddy he, well he abused me so I have had to get an injunction on him during this lock down business which actually ladies was much more easier as I didn’t have to see him in court or deal with him in court as it was all done through the phone, thanks to Covid.

So last year I fell in love with a man who was almost 16 years older than me, and I really liked it. I liked it more that he was more intellect we could talk about so many things that many young men aren’t interested in. Or maybe I was just talking to the wrong young men.

But thanks to my fucking anxiety and hairy chin hairs that appeared every 3 weeks, I turned into a massive piece of jelly that was unable to process and deal with emotions in the moment. Ultimately lead to the end of the relationship after I surprised visited him on his way to work and then read a poem about him on an open mic stage. To be fair to the guy he did call me his exs name in bed. I did have some right to feel the way I felt.

Turns out he didn’t find it as amusing and he didn’t like that I was upset by him calling me Laura.

Yeah, that stung. A lot. I went straight into the shower put music on my phone and I cried, whilst he was still in the house and they kids needed to get ready for school. What the hell was wrong with me? why couldnt I just act like a fucking adult about things. I forgot in the moment that we are all human and we can forget things and do things by accident.

I think it just fucking confused me the whole relationship.

He was 40 and he wore Star Wars pjs in bed? I mean who does that? The whole novelty of dating a guy is being able to wake up in the middle of the night and feel a poke at the back of your bum from his hunky penis? or the slightest warmest touch from his skin on your skin. That is how you bond ? right?

Fucking hell, I had never met a 40 year old that moaned as much as he did about his age. Even more so I have so many painful regrets like not putting love you in his birthday card despite only dating him for a few weeks and not being able to just talk. Like I say I just became jelly, have you ever had that? where you meet someone and they just make you feel and behave like jelly?

….