So I was always taught to follow and trust my heart. But then I end up in situations where my heart has done me no favors.

and I wish I could run with my heart now but I see no realistic situation.

I keep saying I will get this degree, I will get away, I will be with the kids, I will be strong. But then I feel like I’ve fallen 100 steps behind

And noone knows the truth because I cant tell them the ones i told before just vanished and left me behind. So called friends! think it’s simple to just walk away!

And i did … at one point

I fell in love I met someone who treated me like gold for awhile. He was there for me emotionally. Physically maybe not so much so. And he eventually spent less and less time with me. But he understood me we understood each other. We could have had a future and that sometimes throws me off that we was so close to picturing this future together that it felt so right then he took all that away. And left.

And it tumbled from there days and weeks and months I was shouted at about him. I felt punished not only by the man that left but the man who came between and continued to control me I suppose. He was an emotional wreck couldn’t believe I met someone else couldn’t believe that I would do such a thing.

So I asked if he wanted to try again because I needed his support I was broken more broken than before. I thought if he missed me cared so much he would be different.

But then he was shouting all the time bringing him up. I couldn’t get away so again I wrote a blog.

Because I didnt want that memory to become distorted. Filled with his hate and anger.

So im stuck because I have no option right now he helps with school run he helps with paying the fee for the nursery if I walk if I suggest a break again he will take all that away from me. Even the counsellor said I must do what I need to to survive and this doesnt seem that significant.

I mean its not much of a sacrifice. Just I feel alone, I feel isolated, I feel belittled, and theres someones arms at the other side of the road almost wide open. But it cant be him because he has a host of complex issues. But he is offering. I dont want a partner or a man to get me out of this I have to do my time get my degree and leave this city.

This is so hard.