i thought about you today, which is annoying.I thought that maybe it had been long enough time to start forgetting you. Seems I cant ever really get you off my mind. Maybe its because I hadn’t ever had anyone be so kind to me, please don’t look at me whilst i blush. Or maybe its because people I know are ignoring me on purpose and its starting to get to me.

I may come across as a really paranoid person but I really aren’t see if you got to know me and stuck around then you would see. things have changed around here and i wish i could show you. but i guess i wouldn’t have all this creativity if it wasn’t for you leaving me.

You remind me a little bit of my dad, a coward.

I made a huge mistake this weekend you must have blocked me on facebook because when i first had a look at whether I could message you or not. It said I wasnt allowed to reply to your message.

I made a huge error, I started this year on a note that I would not contact you, got really fucking drunk and then he brought you up and I remembered you all over again. I was so drunk I am so sorry. I sent a message saying have you blocked me? and also I have some cigs if you want them, I don’t want them. and then I freaked out and I blocked you. I didn’t think I could send messages so I was a little bit like for fuck sake what have I done and I carried on digging the hole.

The thing is since about October I have been sending the odd message, I have said sorry for writing a poem about you that apparently subsequently made you leave me. I have explained myself. I have been to you given you your shit , in the start of the end.

You read every single one didn’t you and you ignored them, and whilst you ignored them I had the whole wide world telling me that I am crazy that I should get the hint, then I read the other side of the whole wide world saying that if it is something worth fighting for then fight for it.

but there is nothing to fight for when you are talking to yourself. and now i have made the situation 10 times worse. I promise now that I have you (wordpress) to talk to that I will write in here instead then reach out to a fool that doesn’t give a fuck if I am suffering.

its not like I haven’t noticed that it can come across a little bit selfish of me to try to talk to you, i have no idea what might be happening in your life, and i have thought that maybe you will come to me when you are ready to talk but now i am starting to think that it doesn’t matter anymore because the way that i have been after the break up may have made you be even more weary of me.

…

my friend that i don’t really talk to now, wasn’t very kind or thoughtful about this situation see, she said that i shouldn’t say that i miss someone and then say that they hurt me and used me. and i really don’t agree you can love and hate and the same time, i have no idea to think otherwise, when the person i am in conflict with isn’t going to talk to me ever again. when all i can think that is is my fault that they may never ever talk to me. but i have no idea why. its a lot to carry on top of you, especially when you want to move forward and you want to make new friends.

i am stuck, making new friends should be fun but i am scared. he was such a great friend and he was so kind and normal with me and made me think and believe in the world when all of a sudden that false security went, he created a false sense of security from the get go.

he wanted a house with me after 2 weeks, he said that he knew that he loved me just after a week, he said that he wanted me and my family to fit into his car and he was happy to get a bigger car if he needed to, he wanted to take me abroad to see his family, where he grew up. he wanted me to meet his step kids, he wanted my advice he wanted me to cook and clean his clothes, he wanted me at home when he came back from work so he had someone to talk to, he wanted to watch meaningless TV with me then fuck, he was 16 years older and everyone was telling me how safe I was and how I would never be hurt by him, I was all set I was ready to trust.

I knew a huge deal of what he wanted, but when it boiled down when i sat him down after just 3 weeks, i said i want to know your intentions, is this serious ? would you really stick around for this long period of time that you are saying you will? are you sure you want to be with me? I wanted to hear his fight talk, I wanted to see his passion, I wanted to be put on the right track to a successful relationship. All he gave me was that he thought that I was too anxious that I was too worried. But then another 3/4 weeks later he was gone.

So to be insulted and to be essentially be called stupid killed me, when after all my head sorting, he got up and left.

He called me his exs name after a night of almost arguments, he had been staying for a fair few days in a row. He had been going out almost every weekend, and doing the hobbies he liked. We was in a delicate phrase of the relationship, I needed his support, I needed his comfort, and he could not be there for me when I needed him. But I knew that I could forgive him for that, yet I couldn’t that instantly, because he called me his ex’s name, and then I got into the shower and I just cried my eyes out. I knew that something so terrible was on its way. the night before was strange i felt really unwell and not really up to eating and he wasn’t eating very well too… he was starting to complain but my energy had burnt out I just said get some soup or something, and it was awful, he was then prepared to sleep on the sofa but i didn’t want that, I mean he had a flat 5 mins away he could have just gone home.

I never wanted to fall out with this guy, I wanted to be in his life and I equally wanted him in mine, and I didn’t think that a woman in her mid 20’s could feel such intense heart break, almost as painful as the first.

He didn’t abuse me we didn’t have an argument, so I cant understand where I am. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to fight for me, when he said he loved me….